RHOA Recap: Fa-SHUN Wars
We may be eight episodes into this season that I have shit on for the last seven recaps, however, something miraculous happened, I actually found myself enjoying this episode from start to finish. I know this show is dying a slow and painful death but I dived right into the sisterhood of shadiness these ladies created on the Destin trip and I'm not ashamed to say I loved it. Do I have high hopes for the rest of the season? Fuck no. Will I start shitting on this show again next week? It's very likely, but I've got to give credit where credit is due, these Atlanta peaches are hilarious and thrive when they're stuck in a confined space together for an extended period of time.
As everybody was starting their day, Marlo Hampton decided to crawl into Calamari's room and give her a makeover. There's no way she actually gives a fuck about the way this newbie looks, she needs a storyline and somebody to get messy with and can you blame her? What else is happening on this show? Calamari needs a new wig yesterday and her fashion isn't the best. I'm not saying she dresses like a troll but at this point, she just blends into the background which is potentially the worst thing you can say about someone holding a peach. Marlo ended up putting her in a colourful patterned scarf as a shirt and a very wide-brimmed hat. I think she looked good but I don't know anymore. This cast specifically brags about their fashions but NeNe walks around the gold wraps on her head and thinks it's a look.
I'm confused what Calamari's storyline is. Her old dated open relationship and looking like a baby prostitute with a dead ferret on her head? But before we could spend too much time thinking about the new girl, NeNe distracted us by giving us a producers game from heaven: Bitch Stole My Talent, where the girls would compete against each other in different areas. Marlo and Tanya in the fashion department, Eva and Cynthia had to model against each other and Kandi and Shamari both had to sing while NeNe and Porsha battled it out for best host. It was genuinely funny, entertaining and only in Atlanta would they be able to play such a fun game without people crying about losing and making it their storyline for eight episodes.
Marlo tried to win by putting her tight, fat, money making ass in labels, however, Tanya came out in a sexy white pantsuit to give the ladies a "fashion tour" with a bathing suit underneath by explaining you can make a look out of anything whether it's a cheap accessory mixed with some labels, it doesn't matter as long as it looks good and goes together. NeNe took this opportunity to get offended because she "shaded" her $120 Swagg Boutique sunglasses. NeNe's ego is so fucking annoying. She talks trash about everybody but can't take it when somebody throws shade back at her. Tanya was simply saying you can make a look out of everything and NeNe doesn't need to make something out of nothing. The newbie won the fashion competition in a landslide vote which obviously shook Marlo to her core.
Eva tried her hardest to be some kind of model. I think? She's spent the entire season shading Cynthia behind her back so you'd think she'd be able to wipe the floor with her "veteran walk" but no. Eva just walked up and down the room with a super serious face thinking she was THE shit. She was trying too hard and Cynthia and her high cheekbones walk looked effortless and it's no surprise she took home the top prize. Hopefully, this will shut Eva and her sneaky shade up once and for all. Calamari sang some religious song I've never heard and was trying to do the most. We get it. You can sing, you don't need to go up and down to try and prove something. Her voice was okay but some of those notes were screechy at best. Kandi stepped up to perform a song she had written and it sounded like it was from deep in her stomach, as well as her getting super high pitched towards the end, for some reason the ladies voted for Calamari but I guess it was the acoustics in the room. I don't know.
NeNe beat Porsha as the host which Steve Wonder could see happening. I'm confused why these ladies went to Destin, Florida and stayed inside for two days. The weather looked like it was raining the entire time so obviously, they didn't really have a choice but couldn't the producers have picked a weekend where there wasn't torrential rain the entire time? I'm not even mad about it because their rain day activities were more entertaining than anything we've seen this season. After their talent show, the Talls got massages where they speculated about Porsha being pregnant because she gained weight, wasn't drinking and ate a pickle at a gas station. Either these are the most intuitive bitches ever or a producer whispered the theory into their ears. Porsha claimed she wanted to wait until a safe point to tell the ladies about her pregnancy but is talking about it on camera? The secret's already out there and her storyline of trying to hide it isn't something we need to see.
NeNe tried to ask questions and Porsha (kind of) admitted she may or may not be pregnant and showed her the Hennessy concoction she came up with which was coke and apple juice mixed together disguised as alcohol. The only thing grosser than the blatant alcohol abuse of Porsha pouring out the full bottle of Hennessey was seeing her choke down coke and apple juice together. I literally gagged. The Smalls also did an aerial pilates class through contraptions nicknamed the Donald Trump because it grabbed them by the pussy. When Kandi said that line I SCREAMED. Normally I don't like when Housewives talk politics but I'll make exceptions for this.
Finally, the time came for the ladies final dinner of the trip where Porsha squashed pregnancy rumours by grabbing her fake Hennessy out her bag and pouring it into her own glass. Wouldn't THAT be the biggest sign she was pregnant because she's bringing her own alcohol and not drinking the one provided by the restaurant? Why didn't anyone give her drink a smell or force her to drink the champagne? Porsha continued lying about the pregnancy through an elaborate lie which isn't hard to believe because if Go Naked is anything she's a consistent and varied liar. Would we expect anything else if she didn't lie about her pregnancy? In no time, Calamari decided to instigate a beef with Marlo because she was mad about her makeover. If she was mad she should've voiced her opinion in the moment not waited all day looking for a moment after a producer got in her ear to try and make her work for her peach.
She called Marlo a bitch and for some reason, that word sent shockwaves through the group. These women have literally dragged one another across reunion floors and they can't say the word bitch in an argument? In reaction, Marlo threw in a yo mama joke, which is straight from the Dr Heavenly handbook. If calling somebody a bitch is wrong, I'm pretty sure it's worse to call their mother a bitch but for all we know she could be a bitch. Then Marlo did what she does best which is hit way below the belt saying Calamari's singing voice is terrible and that anybody in the group could dress her better than she dresses herself. She isn't wrong but holy shit, Marlo Hampton does not fucking play and she needs a peach in her hands. Following her comments, some weird screaming match erupted between the two where Calamari threw off tired old phrases. These women don't care about each other and obviously don't give a fuck about any of the comments made but they were performing for the group and I appreciate that.
While on the topic of fashion, NeNe also shaded Tanya for being ignorant but everybody really knew it just stemmed from her being pissy about her Swagg Boutique comments. After eleven years in the business, you would think NeNe would have thicker skin and a better ego but I guess not. Tanya is my new favourite in the franchise and I don't want to see anyone fighting with her unless it's for an actual justifiable reason. Why are all the fights on this show about fashion? Did I miss the memo? Is this what it's come to because I'm not mad about it. I also wasn't mad with the episode ending with Porsha shading Calamari's husband's nonexistent eyebrows because THAT was the best part of this entire season.
Merry Christmas Bitches!
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.