RHOA Recap: Bravobait
Just like the second half of all "to be continued" episodes, this one was a total flop and the big fight we all tuned in to see was over after about five seconds. This is Bravo's version of clickbait so I guess it's Bravobait if you will. This episode (the eleventh one in a season slower than Sheree Whitfield's ability to release a product) had its moments but I'm still struggling to enjoy this season, it's definitely looking up but it's been a long road to enjoyment and whatever crawled on top of Calamari's head to die doesn't help.
Following Kandi and Porsha's big blowup over the resident street fighter's potentially violent behaviour at Todd's birthday party, Marlo arrived looking like a black barbie and for once her presence didn't aggregate an ongoing fight amongst the group. Fighting on someone's back deck is very Atlanta and it wouldn't feel like a true season of this show if we didn't have at least one boughetto brawl. That's why I love the Atlanta Housewives, their lifestyle is attainable, we all have a stable aunt who probably could get on this show if she knew the right people. Their wealth and lifestyles aren't as unreachable as Beverly Hills but they aren't as accessible as the Married To Medicine crew. It's the perfect in-between level of slightly relatable but not completely.
The ladies went down into Tanya's hibachi room, which was random and chic at the same time, to eat some Japanese food while Calamari ate the rice off her plate like a dog because she couldn't use chopsticks. Oh, Calamari, now she's definitely the straggler out of the bunch and no that's not shade, it's facts, we've seen her house and hair. Instead of taking her food up onto the deck like literally every other person there, she stayed downstairs eating her food trying to look for some kind of moment, when she could've brought her food upstairs and eaten with a spoon instead of her face.
Like clockwork, the usual conversation of Eva forgetting her shade came up again. This is literally the FOURTH time we've had to hear the ladies keep Eva The Diva accountable for her shade and I have bags under my eyes because I'm so tired from this. If you can't stand in your truth (and your shade) then you have no business holding a peach. Can Eva and Shamari hand their peaches over to Tanya and Marlo right now because whoever was handing out peaches this season was obviously sniffing glue, or whatever Shamari's husband gets up to? Eva sucks. If you're going to throw shade, own it, and if your storyline is the group constantly talking about how you're a flip-flopping dud then you obviously don't deserve those Bravo checks you've been cashing.
Oh, I almost forgot, after Porsha and Kandi started fighting, Calamari ate her dinner like a chihuahua and Eva had another dinner full of denial and deflection, she finally "invited" all the ladies to Tokyo. She could've done it at the start and got the fake surprise over with because we all know everybody at the table already had their scheduled cleared and flights booked weeks before this ever happened. Kandi Burruss is one of the biggest business women on Bravo and I'm supposed to believe she just has a random week spare to fly to fucking Japan? Uh, no. Tokyo is an odd choice, especially for this group but I'm here for it, I just hope that the ladies being in international waters gets the drama started once again instead of this boring display of faux sisterhood they've been trying to shove down our throats.
NeNe's house makes me sad. Yes, I know Casa Leakes was probably a lot of money over in Buckhead but it's so hollow, clinically white and empty. I know we all learnt last season never to come for NeNe's house (RIP Wig) however, couldn't she at least add a throw rug, colourful painting or at least furnish her house because it looks emptier than Porsha's brain. That's the problem with huge mansions with high ceilings and marble floors, they look amazing but it's so hard to effectively fill the space, just ask all the Jersey Housewives with McMansions full of marble monstrosities. The other problem in NeNe's life, aside from her unfurnished home, is Gregg's cancer. He no longer has cancer, however, he's trying to get his health in the right place and in the process he's been mean and short with NeNe.
Cancer is a struggle, especially for the ones closest to the person with the disease so I can feel NeNe's pain through the TV. It's not like she can clap back to someone with cancer but what is she supposed to do when her husband's being a dick to her? It's a very prickly situation and the scene of him interrogating the natural food chef because she didn't strictly prepare vegan food was rough. If you want someone to serve you grass for dinner then that's your choice but don't take a job away from this girl just because she also knows how to cook meat. This cancer storyline is rough and considering Gregg no longer has any cancer cells in his body I'm questioning how long it has to go on for before we're over this hurdle.
Apart from Gregg's cancer struggle, Kandi also invited Calamari to a lingerie shop to try on outfits for her sex dungeon variety show. If there's one thing Kandi Burruss can do, it's branding and making a business opportunity out of anything, so if you're going to accuse her of having a sex dungeon she's going to make money out of it and have the last laugh. She's Atlanta's Bethenny Frankel and if you balanced their books I think the only Housewife with a Grammy may come out supreme.
51 Cynt also introduced the ladies to her new boyfriend Mike Hill and gave them all three minutes to ask whatever messy and shady questions they wanted which is a smart move because it gets all the future scandals and drama out of the way. I'd recommend this strategy to the Housewives in every city but if they were proactive about their boyfriend drama then we wouldn't have anything to watch.
The invite list for the questioning of Mike Hill was odd. Were Kandi, Eva and Marlo the only ones who RSVP'd for this fun event or did production just want to shake up the group? I love Mike Hill, he seems grounded, secure, genuine and above all else, I love how much Cynthia loves him. Her eyes light up whenever he opens his mouth, even if it's to yawn and that's how you can spot when someone's in love. Also, I don't know why everybody keeps saying his full name but I'm not against it because he's already infinitely better than Papa Smurf and her made-for-TV boyfriend last season. The ladies all had their own turn to ask him as many questions as they could. Eva has been around for 33 seconds and secretly shades Cynthia whenever she's not looking, so she doesn't matter but Kandi quickly found out Mike Hill loves to make love unless he has ten minutes then he's tearing up 51 Cynt's ass up from behind. Spoken like a true gentleman.
If you're dating a guy and his answer to how you have sex isn't to tear your ass up then run for the fucking hills because if you're able to walk the next day then he's not the guy for you. Marlo also asked him about his STD history and I'm sorry if a messy friend like Marlo can't ask your man about if he's been wrapping it before he's been tapping it then who can? And I'm sure Miss Hampton asks all her clients the same question before they start paying her for the hour. Mike Hill was a trooper and a stand up guy for taking their questions on the chin, so let's hope (and pray) and he doesn't turn into a fame hungry, controlling, abusive asshole like the many House Husbands who have come before him.
Ugh. Porsha also had a scene where she cried about her past relationships where she had to hide the truth from everyone and how her finding out that her hot dog mogul boyfriend lied to her about texting his exes chipped away at the trust she has for him. It was a truthful moment and probably the most honest scene we've seen from Porsha in a long time. It was great because she finally stopped overacting for the cameras to try and be funny and was instead just vulnerable but I really don't have anything else to say about it because I am in the middle of a heat wave and sweat is coming out of every and any pore right now.
Thank fuck for Tokyo next week!
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.