Vanderpump Rules Recap: Mother Fucker
The morning after a Vanderpump rave is always the best part of the party. Seeing everybody dishevelled with their smudged makeup, messy hair and regret from the night before as well as coming down off whatever their body consumed the night before is not only relatable but part of the foundation of this dysfunction Housewives spinoff. You can't have a drunken night without coupling it with a hangover morning and I appreciate these SURvers for continuing this cycle well into their thirties.
After the cameras went down the night before, Stassi apparently came upstairs and yelled at her boyfriend before he started crying. Wow. This is exactly the reason why Bravo cameras need to be rolling at all times because this group never fucking stops. I don't care if the producers need to hook up spyware or baby monitors to the roof, we need to see everything and hearing the group recap the off-camera brawl in their confessionals isn't good enough. Stassi and her beau Beau ended up making up after they both agreed she had dick punched his heart. I'm not sure how one dick punches someone's heart but I guess it's when you drunkenly yell at your boyfriend in front of all his friends at two in the morning because you're drunk and horny.
Side note: did anyone else picture Stassi physically punching Beau's heart with a floppy dick or was it just me because it's a visual I can't get out of my head.
Once again this episode centred around DJ James Kennedy and the group's hatred towards him. Wow, this twink is really driving the show and is the only drama they have right now, everybody is grown up or at least pretending to have grown up so that just leaves them getting mad at James' for things they have all done several times before they started attempting to act their ages. LVP held a staff meeting to talk about James getting fired and unlike the staff meetings in the early days of the show which featured their breakout star Laura Leigh, this one was just fake and contrived for reality TV purposes. First of all, none of these people work at Sur. You mean to tell me they're making around $125K a season but also need the tip money from working Tuesday nights as a waitress? And what establishment sits their employees down to discuss somebody getting fired, getting mad at them when they agree with the firing and then concluding by saying he won't work there anymore.
None of it made any sense. Jax, Brittany, Lala and Katie all got mad because the managers brought up the fact that Tuesdays is Sur's biggest night because of James Kennedy. If he's making your business money, then wouldn't you just roster the disgruntled "workers" onto a different day? The cast doesn't care about working with James they just don't him to work their period because it continues their storyline against him and fucks with him. We all know none of these people actually work there so this meeting was more annoying than Scheana's voice and Jax questioning how many times James has been fired is maddening. Does it not register to Jax that Jax is a cunt? He's probably the only cast member who's been fired more times than James and they are literally the same person just twenty years apart, so Jax thinking he has some kind of superiority over him just because he "changed" after his dad died is so frustrating to watch and just proveshe's the same sweaty douchebag.
I can't believe for the first time in seven seasons I'm not only #TeamJames but #TeamScheana. She the only person with sense in the "staff meeting" and her bachelor date was the best part of this very James-centric season. You would think Scheana would learn something from watching herself be a desperate stalker with Rob for an entire season, but no, she repeated her pattern with barback Adam and his roommate Orange Rob from the Bachelor, who both don't want to fuck her. So, Scheana is now dating two roommates and not having sex with either of them but begging them for some kind of attention or affection in every scene she has with them. Watching Scheana is obviously sad but there's something so entertaining about cringing while she gets rejected by several guys but just keeps going. If there's one thing you can say about Scheana Marie Shay, it's that she's persistent. Which I guess is a compliment?
The bachelor mashup date was beautiful editing, especially while Stassi, Katie and Brittany bitched about her desperate and annoying ways while sitting in that sad low rent rage room. This is an activity we've now seen on the Kardashians and Dallas Housewives, but like usual, the Vanderpump version of the "rage room" was sad and depressing because all they had were weird old printers to smash which really can't feel good. Can we all agree Scheana Shay should be the bachelorette next season? She's barely featured on this show anymore and there's nothing Scheana loves more than Scheana and dating guys on TV. She would be so good at all the dumb Bachelor bullshit and I'm sure she'd find one sucker out of twenty guys to date unless she scares them all off which is a major possibility and a driving factor to why she should do it.
Can Scheana find at least one guy in West Hollywood to fuck her? She's an attractive bootleg Kardashian and although she has the whole personality issue, I don't understand why nobody wants to fuck her. Don't they know the best way to shut someone up is to stick a dick in their mouth? Surely Orange Rob would be down to fuck Scheana unless the real plot twist is that Rob and Adam are actually fucking each other and even so, I'm sure Scheana would still be down to join in. This girl has the self-esteem of a mop but seeing her repeatedly try to make these men have sex with her is my favourite part of the show. Never change Scheana.
Apart from James receiving wisdom from an ice cream man about staying sober and LVP keeping the Toms away from their own business in a very produced scene, the only other thing to happen in this episode was the arrival of Hurricane Dana. Was Stassi's mother overdramatic? Yes. Did she suck the life out of the room? 100% But was she wildly entertaining? Fuck yeah. The best part of this dramatically impaired season is seeing everybody's parents and understanding exactly why they are the way they are. Last week it was James and his trainwreck of a mother Jacqueline (who I'm obsessed with) and this week it was Stassi.
All the mothers were in town for Kristen's t-shirt company relaunch James Mae. I like the designs, she obviously needs some sort of side business to hustle on this show for storyline and income purposes but did she have to make her brand the same name as her ex-boyfriend who she's trying desperately to take down. The producers let Kristen plug her t-shirt line James Mae for five minutes and it still wasn't the most times she's said James in one sentence.
Brittany also felt the need to tell Jax about Katie and Stassi questioning if he has really changed. Why Brittany, why? They are questioning him for the benefit of her and she goes back to him knowing he'll get huffy and puffy over the issue but is the one to calm him down and come out looking like the angel of this show once again. Brittany really is the most manipulative one on this show but she hides behind it with her southern accent and everybody loving her while stirring shit up and creating drama by telling Jax that everybody is still questioning him. I see you, Brittany, I see you.
And for the record, if Jax had become a peaceful, nice and changed human being he wouldn't freak out, have a bitchfit and attack everyone else's relationship every time someone floats the idea of him possibly going back to his old ways. He's a douchebag and if you have to make a storyline out of changing yourself then you obviously haven't changed. He just went from never listening or caring about his fiance to now actually doing what people in relationships should do.
Back to the mothers. Stassi's mother Dana wants to fuck Beau. It's clearer than her boob job and that's okay, she spoke to him about wanting grandchildren and embarrassed Stassi in front of him by pulling a Kelly Bensimon and saying "You're down here and he's up here" which seemed extremely contrived on her part but I love a drunk middle-aged woman who can be messy on reality TV even if it is for the detriment of her child. Why do you think I love the Housewives so much? Dana was wild and telling Kristen she looks up to her and hopes Stassi would be like her one day is not only fucked up in every sense of the word considering Stassi is like only one making money outside of this show with smart business ventures but also tells you so much about Dana.
The mothers and daughters went out to dinner where Stassi was pissy at her mom for the entire night. She could have had a few drinks and laughed off Dana's annoying comments but she was stuck in an annoying bitchy mood which made her lash out at her mom and ended in Dana crying in a backroom of the restaurant with Katie and Kristen's mother's console her while the daughters did the exact same thing. Stassi became Stassi because of her mother. They both know how to have meltdowns and suck all the life out of a room. I felt bad for Stassi because we've all been pissed off at our mother's but Dana gave us amazing TV, regardless if she was right or wrong and if the daughters can't give us drama on this show any more than I'm glad their moms stepped in to show us how it's done.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!