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Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Recap: Alcohol Abuse

You guys. This show is everything I needed it to be and so much more. Yes, it's trash television and Brent is a dumpster fire of a human being but I couldn't take my eyes off the screen for the full hour and isn't that the hallmark of a good reality television show? When Lindsay Lohan is the voice of reason and source of wisdom amongst a group of twenty somethings, how can it not be entertaining?

Lindsay's everchanging Madonna inspired Middle Eastern accent is the backbone of this series. Following her accent change from one scene to the next is fascinating and nobody even seems to notice the disparity between her traditional raspy, cigarette-stained voice and her saying "fuck off" like a Middle Eastern dictator. It's thrilling. Lindsay's main concern isn't her inconsistent accent or the extended amount of time her fair skin spends in the sun, no, it's whether everybody is "here for the right reasons" which is reality TV speak for if they are thirsty or not.

News flash, none of these "kids" travelled to Mykonos for the summer to work for Lindsay Lohan's company so they can use her as a reference on their resume. No. Everybody is here because they want their fifteen minutes of fame so they can move out of their shitty studio apartments they share with five people and start selling Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram. Nobody is here for the "right reasons" unless the right reasons are to fuck on TV and get invites to OK Magazine parties. Everybody seems to be playing the role of somewhat decent human beings except Brent, who is the love child of Jax Taylor, Mike Shouhed and The Situation in his heyday. Brent is an asswipe and there's no other way to put it. He sucks and everybody including Panos, Lindsay's left-hand queen, can see it

In the matter of two episodes, Brent managed to alienate himself and become hated by all his coworkers and bosses which is a skill he needs to put on his CV. The nerdy school kid turned Vegas douchebag knows how to make reality TV and had no problems coming in to stir shit up and as annoying as his face, behaviour and overall attitude is, I appreciate it because, without an egotistical prick, we wouldn't have anything to watch. The hot Greek bartender, Aristotle, is a dreamboat. He's so hot I can't even listen to the words coming out of his mouth but I did catch that he has social anxiety so immediately he was given the job to look after a gay diva designer who spent the day at the beach doing weird dance moves, making Ari wash his feet and obviously wanting to end the night sucking Ari's American slong.

Ari may be on reality TV but he seems to have a heart of gold, he's hot but somehow avoided becoming an annoying douche like his colleague Brent. As soon as Ari agreed to wash the over the top queen's feet, Brent stormed off because he was so disgusted somebody would lower themselves to wash another human beings feet, yet he was the one who made out and almost fucked his own VIP client only a day before. Does anybody want to wash a stranger's feet? Fuck no. But if your jobs on the line and you need to prove yourself then I guess you need to start scrubbing. I think we are all asking ourselves the same question: is Brent really going to start a beef over feet? Yes, yes he is but it still wasn't the most idiotic thing he got up to in this 24 hour period.

The gang decided to play truth or dare after their day at work, which is the perfect game for a bunch of people who have to be stuck in a house together for weeks on end. Ari had the option to skull a beer or do a lap of the pool naked and like a true team player he did both, I have a feeling his anxiety is going to be cured by the end of the season. My only complaint is how MTV couldn't even show us what he's working with, they even blurred the buttcheeks, Bravo at least shows us the crack and I felt personally victimised by MTV as they robbed us of that eye candy. Following the first nudie run of the season, Billy who I nicknamed the Michelle Williams of this show due to his role as a permanent background player, came out like a sniper from the side in an attempt to start dating Sara after she had already developed some kind of flirtation with Brent.

Billy came to play. In prison, you have to walk in and punch the biggest, baddest person right in their face to show them who's boss and that is exactly what Billy did by stealing Brent's girl. Billy, unlike Brent, seems like a down to earth, level headed human being but he's also going to pursue a piece of pussy if it elevates his reality TV status. All Billy and Sara did was talk but it only took a few rounds of telephone for the message to get back to Brent when he wanted to confront Billy about the conversation. Instead of feuding with Billy over their weird love triangle with Sara, he turned the entire situation around and talked about how all the girls in the house are ugly. Brent proved he is the arrogant, misogynistic, evil douchebag this show needs and as much as he makes my blood boil, I can't look away.

Instead of apologising for calling all the girls in the house ugly, he just kept going saying everybody is a two and because Sara is the one five in the house it makes her look better compared to the others and even elaborated by using the cheerleader effect in his confessionals. Wow. This cunt has balls of steel and finished off his thought by saying she would need to lose seven pounds before he'd even consider looking at her. Wow, wow, wow. Nobody in this house even has seven pounds to lose, the girls are already bordering on anorexic chic. Brent's meltdown was just a little boy having a tantrum because somebody else decided to play with his toy and thankfully Sara poured a bottle of tequila over his head while Jonitta splashed a glass in his face before they walked away holding hands as he sat there stinking of alcohol and arrogance.

I love the sentiment and dramatic effect of the tequila toss because Brent definitely deserved anything these girls decided to throw and/or pour on him, but he isn't worth wasting a whole bottle of tequila on. That's blatant alcohol abuse and I hope they filled the bottle with their own piss instead of letting all that liquor go to waste on an asshole like Brent. As the girls bonded over getting back at Brent for calling them ugly, he spent his night falling asleep under a table and vomiting on the side of the road as he got vomit stuck in his beard. I thought being drenched in tequila would be the low point of the night but having chunks of vomit all over his face definitely took the cake. Couldn't they find a bathroom for him to throw up in instead of the side of the road?

The next morning a very hungover Brent's life only got worse. After he turned the entire house against him for his arrogant and gross behaviour, he got called out by Panos for running away from the VIP guest the day before and instead of sucking it up, Brent did what he does best and got more camera time for himself by complaining to Panos about roasting him in front of everyone while Panos gave zero fucks about their conversation and told him not to bang his hands on the table. Panos is a baller with his colourful romper and rosé and he's definitely not the one to fuck with considering he has Lindsay Lohan on speed dial. To summarise, Brent sucks but I am so grateful MTV found a monster to keep us entertained.

Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club airs Tuesday at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the Lindsay’s Mykonos workers!

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