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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Thirst Card

There have been many outrageous events to transpire in Lisa Vanderpump's Sexy Unique Restaurant. From Jax and Laura Leigh fucking in the bathroom to Kristen telling the manager to "Suck A Dick" and even Scheana trying to sing on the bar but I've never been as disgusted as I was when discovering Billie Lee has an event named after her. Brunch With Billie is a travesty, and no, not because she's transgender but because she's not a main cast member. Bille Lee has as much clout on this show as the Gayasian or anyone else running around in the background, so I'm confused why LVP is now opening the restaurant up for people to eat brunch with her. That's like Disneyland making an event to each brunch with one of Snow White's dwarfs. It's weird.

Just a heads up, this recap is basically going to be dedicated to trashing/shading/roasting and any other bitchy synonym that applies to Billie Lee. The new girl on the block sucks. And no. For the final time, it's not because she's transgender. I don't give a fuck what her sexual orientation or identity is, it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, trans, Asian, Black or blue, when you're a cunt, you're a cunt and it has nothing to do the colour of your skin or what's between your legs. Billie Lee's main message is about being equal but the first time she has a fight with someone on this show she throws in the trans card. The only card BL has to pull in this fight is her thirst card.

Billie Angela (I have no idea if that's her middle name) Lee is thirsty. She's trying to come out of the forgettable Sur background and finally have her own title card where she's throwing a drink in slow motion. This fight wasn't about trans, it was about thirst and that's the main thing we need to remember. Billie thanked her lucky stars when she discovered Katie didn't ask her to help organise Girls Night In because it meant she finally had a reason to get some kind of camera time, she should really be thanking Katie, if anything. Billie Lee isn't having these "brunches" to raise the profile of the LGBT community, they're for raising Billie Lee's profile. Billie all of a sudden hates Kristen. I don't know why and I don't care but she passive-aggressively strolled over to their table to passive-aggressively create some kind of beef with them by bringing up James.

Nothing good can come of bringing up James Kennedy's name around the females of this show. Nothing. And if anyone wants to talk to the ladies about how they feel about DJ James Kennedy, it should be DJ James Kennedy, not Billie Lee who's hovering around in the background trying to shout loud enough to be heard through the boom mic because the producers didn't care enough to give her her own microphone. She tried her hardest to find a moment and Katie and Kristen couldn't have cared less about her quest for thirst.

In the middle of this Bille Lee drama a few other noteworthy things occured:

Stassi got a national holiday (National Outfit Of The Day Day) which is basically a holiday dedicated to people taking a selfie of their outfit and post it using a hashtag. Who did Stassi have to fuck to receive her on public holiday because National Good Tea Day has a certain ring to it? Aside from dick punching her boyfriend, Stassi has been pretty grown up this season and purchasing herown national holiday is another example of that. Until her boyfriend ate a burger from her mouth while they were kissing, now that's the Stassi we know and love.

Scheana and Lala attended an acting class because the bootleg Kardashian wants to start acting again. Um. Excuse me? What does Scheana Marie Shay mean again? The most she could possibly do with her acting career is star on a sad "funny" Disney Channel sitcom or have a "celebrity cameo" in some random cable show. There's not a lot of range or hope for Scheana Shay's acting career. If we can call it that. Instead of "acting," Scheana spent the lesson just being herself and having a pornstar level orgasm. After admitting she spent a decade without cumming, she delivered the fake orgasm of a lifetime. Fuck acting, Scheana needs to do porn ASAP. It's her true calling and she already has the name for it. Who wouldn't watch Scheana have sex on camera, for the memes if nothing else?

Brittany had a meltdown because she was sick of everybody questioning her relationship. Ugh. If she loves Jax and is happy with him shouldn't that be enough? She doesn't have to prove her relationship to anyone else on this show, so sit back, shut the fuck up and enjoy yourself instead of having weird Tasmanian Devil rampages about your friends discussing your relationship on camera. That's the real Brittany went crazy, because she didn't want to have another season revolving around her fucked up relationship and had a walkout to prove it. Stop trying to shove your "happiness" down our throats and just be happy. And Katie was relishing in shitting on Jax and Brittany because like everyone on this show, she brings up the fuckery in their relationship to hide the drunken mess of her own.

And we all know how I feel about LVP, but she wiped the floor with Jax Taylor when he interpreted her conversation with Brittany to control where the narrative was going. Not all heroes wear capes.

Oh and Sandoval also played the trumpet for DJ James Kennedy and it's a moment I'd rather not revisit. Lala thought James played her but somehow convincing her to come to the studio with him but the only people playing Lala like a fiddle and convincing her of anything are the Witches of WeHo passive-aggressively shit talking him right into Lala's eardrums. James Kennedy is a dick but seeing Katie manipulate Lala into ditching his studio session in 25 seconds was rough. I like seeing Lala get along with the girls, however, she had a much bigger gangster dick when she was calling Katie fat, pushing Kristen and only had James to hang around.

Now back to Billie Lee. Without everybody hating James Kennedy this episode, the focus shifted to her. The only thing that makes me sadder than seeing Tom and Katie's apartment is Billie Lee. They didn't exclude her because she's transgender, she was excluded because she's not a main cast member or their friend and there was no reason for her thirsty ass to show up to plan. Fighting with Katie and liking comments calling the other girls transphobic was pure thirst and if there were no cameras around Billie would never even have stepped into Sur let alone start bullshit fights once inside. Throwing her trans card in was an ugly move and just showed more about her shitty personality. I get it. She was bullied. Poor Billie. But bringing up her past and trying to relate it to this miscommunication was way too far. It's really not that deep. At all.

This feud is about as deep as Raquel's brain, which is the same depth as a shallow puddle. This bitch needs to stop being fake for the camera and maybe if we were introduced to her personality aside from being a thirsty hoe and talking about buying her vagina from Thailand maybe we'd know her, but we all we know about this girl is that she's transgender and is looking for any way to climb out of the Sur dumpster full of Vanderpump background characters and make a name for herself on this show. There are so many background workers at Sur with vaginas and none of them got upset they weren't included in the planning. Do you know why? Because they understand it's a fucking television show. Katie should've pointed out the eight actual Sur waitresses who weren't included in the planning and shown that it was about a TV show and not gender.

Billie Lee sucks and hearing her scream cis-privilege and saying Katie pulls her fat card and needs to put down the food was disgusting. So she wants people to feel sorry for her but she's doing the exact thing every female on this show's arch enemy is doing? This whole thing went way too far and I want to pee on this bitch to quench her thirst. By calling Katie fat she's completely discrediting her namaste attitude and misusing her platform. Somebody calling Katie pregnant and Billie being left out of an event are two separate things and I hope she received enough clout from this entire recap revolving around her annoying, thirsty, shitty behaviour because it's exactly what she was looking for. You're welcome, bitch.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!