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Below Deck Recap: Boats and Hoes

Bookending the penultimate episode with two tragedies, a rogue jet ski and a drunk rich girl was genius editing on Bravo's part. This show delivers on all cylinders whether it's people potentially dying at sea or a bitchy brawl we can all sink our teeth into. As much as I've loved this season and want to be sad next week is our last episode, this crew have given us all they can give and I'm ready for a break from this nautical show.

The rogue jet ski sounds like fun until the saga only lasted 33 seconds and I'm not entirely sure how they even stopped it from its rampage. Captain Lee officially transitioned to Daddy Lee when saving the gays from their aggressive motorbike of the sea and I'm sure deep down inside he would've loved it if the boys repaid him with some kind of bukkake party because Daddy Lee talks about eating ass and swinging dicks way too much to have never actually done it himself. Lee fucking through a boatload of gay men is the one plotline which could possibly make this season even better. Maybe next year.

Just as you'd expect, the gays hosted a wig dinner while Rhylee ran around in the background with glee after finding out Tyler had said that he loved her. Um. Rhylee. You need to chill. Yes, I'm sure Tyler fucked your brains out on multiple occasions and I'm happy someone is getting dick on this vessel, however, Tyler was clearly joking when he said he loves her and Kate was messy by running the information back to her. After the love comments, Rhylee started picking out their forever home, decided on a wedding dress and wanted to talk about their future together while Tyler was just thinking about which position he wants to bust his nut in next.

Instead of letting a girl down easy and carefully saying he only wants a showmance with her, Tyler decided to take the route of saying he wants to know the feeling of falling in love with "the one" because he knows he hasn't yet, which is basically the equivalent of taking Rhylee's heart out of her chest, pissing on it, throwing a match on her urine covered heart and walking away while it explodes behind him like a James Bond movie. Tyler was here for a quick fuck, but the only thing he'll be fucking for the rest of this charter is his right hand, or hey, maybe his left one if he wants to shake things up. Rhylee is looking for love in everything. We don't know too much about her origin story but she definitely has broken bird syndrome and falls in love way too hard, way too quick as almost a way of making herself feel secure.

Adrian also got way too Me Too-y with Laura in a way that grossed me out and almost wanted her to file some kind of sexual harassment suit against him. Adrian sucks. I've said this recap after recap. A namaste, hippie chef isn't someone I root for because he's full of shit. All he talks about his good vibes and other hippie bullshit but he's just as underhanded and sneaky as everyone else on this boat but gets to hide behind his yoga mat. If you're a messy bitch, own it and shout it from the rooftop, don't try to hide it being the disguise of being a good person.

For charters now, Adrian has been making way too many explicit jokes with Laura from talking about her nipples to them fucking and then made a gross comment about her looking for meat AKA his dick. Look, I get that you're sexually frustrated but go masturbate in the back like a normal person and stop trying to hit on the new girl who doesn't want to fuck you. They aren't close enough to have a sexual banter back and forth and nobody wants to think about his pencil dick.

The gays rolled out of the boat as very light tippers and a fleet of basic bitches took their spot equipped with underboob sweat, a bitchy primary and a fuck tonne of middle school energy. So basically a Housewives cast trip but with menstrual cycles. Within a couple hours of boarding the boat, the drunk primary already made her friend, and I use that very loosely, cry. It's hard to follow how or why everybody suddenly hated Chelsea but seeing two people drunkenly fight is always entertaining, even if it is the guests. You don't realise how much you miss the sounds of someone screaming off camera before slamming their bedroom door so the cameras can't get in until you see it again. The primary is basically Regina George and everybody else had to fall in line because it was her daddy's money who paid for the trip. Um. If I had to get berated by a drunk rich bitch to be able to travel the world on a luxury boat, I'd definitely take that opportunity. Where can I sign up?

The primary AKA Crystal AKA Regina George AKA the Devil's spawn got wasted during dinner service, mumbling away and finally falling asleep under some sad shame cocoon while all her "friends" tried to wake her up. Instead of waking up and walking to her comfortable master bedroom to rest her rich little head, she decided to stay on the deck, punching her friend in the arm and rambling drunk to no end and before I decided to pass judgement on her, I remembered this would literally be me on a boat and the realisation was an eye-opening moment. One by one she insulted all her friends and one by one they all decided to go to bed while she stayed rolled up in her shame cocoon and instead of Kate staying up to keep a watch over Regina George, she declared Josiah bring on the hose.

Now, for a while, I thought she meant to get the hoes before I realised she wanted to spray the bitch down with an actual hose. Hoes and hoses may are homophones but they both squirt when you turn them on. Of course, Bravo decided to end the cliffhanger with them contemplating hosing this annoying bitch down and for the sake of my sanity and this show's ratings, I pray to the Bravo Gods (Andy Cohen) that they drench this bitch because it's the public service this show needs to give us.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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