Vanderpump Rules Recap: Spaghetti Falling
James Kennedy and his brother have definitely played with each other’s pickles. I’m not saying they are the second coming of Games Of Thrones, however, those two aren’t strangers to each other’s English McMuffins. They have more sexual chemistry than 70% of the couples on this show but just like LVP’s son Max and Teddi’s brother Hud, I’m not interested in any Vanderpump adjacent family members busing in the background of the show. If I wanted to watch busers do their job, I’d go sit outside one of LVP’s restaurants and heckle from a distance, I don’t need this inbred, buck-toothed freak taking up my airtime. No thank you.
I love a Kristen Doute episode. Yes, they are few and far between these days because Bravo thinks we care more about TomTom and/or Jax and Brittany planning their engagement party when all we really need to see are drunk messes falling over tables and that’s what Kristen gives us. Kristen “Suck A Dick” Doute is a social justice warrior who stands up for women maligned and personally victimised by DJ James Kennedy. She isn’t still in love with the incestural twink. No fucking way.
Do you really think Kristen Doute spends her days fawning over someone who spat on her door and fucked her atop his Beamer? No. As much as I’ve sympathised with James this season, mainly due to Katie being completely insufferable, he’s a skinny pencil dick of a human being and Kristen Doute not only holding him accountable for his actions but driving a plot line in this show is why I have so much love and admiration for the wine-drinking harlet. And I use that word with love, it’s like being a slut in the 1800s, the classiest time to be one.
No, Kristen doesn’t care about James, she cares about being edited out of the show she helped shape bit by bit every season and having her screen time diminished while DJ James Kennedy continuously is allowed second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth chances when she’s the reason he’s even on the show. If Kristen didn’t decide to fuck James to fuck with Sandoval, we wouldn’t even know his name and the White Kanye would still be stuck in theSUR dumpster with that blonde Gayasian, Scheana’s bareback barback and Billie Lee. And the fact that LVP blames Kristen Doute for James Kennedy's drinking is more than fucked up.
We all make our own choices. Sure, Kristen may come into a place where James is working from time to time to fuck things up because that is her job, however, James should have the self-control to not, you know, get blackout drunk and go on a tirade that will get him fired and blaming Kristen for his drinking only validates and condones his shitty behaviour. Chalk that up to reason #897 why I despise Lisa Vanderpump.
The entire Solvang trip, which consisted of a day, was odd. Kristen is not only the star of this trip but the entire show at this point. If you are wine tasting for an entire day, why is everyone shocked Kristen would be drunk? Isn’t that the point? Apart from eating flowers, slurring and stumbling around the streets of a small European-esque village, Kristen’s breaking point was finding out James got a gig at Pump. Who cares? Nobody does, except once you’ve started drinking wine, it’s going to transform a normal zero fucks situation into a full-blown meltdown.
Kristen doesn’t love James and have some weird Fatal Attraction obsession. No. She’s mad that he’s winning in the world of reality TV by being given an 85th chance to redeem himself and that is the whole dilemma behind the issue but of course, she can’t really articulate that out of fear for breaking the fourth wall. Also, 63 different wines in, not even Kristen knew what the fuck she was thinking so how the fuck are we supposed to know?
After ditching her friends who spent way too much time walking around a toy store, Kristen Gone Girled herself and disappeared into the streets of Solvang which looks like a weird Dutch cult full of munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz. Who knows where she went, but the producers should’ve strapped a GoPro to the drunk cast member and let her roam the town at her leisure while her friends talked shit about her over dinner. These bitches were all definitely doing Adderall because no one can attend wine tasting after wine tasting and not be on Kristen Doute’s level of fucked up. I don’t understand people who go to wine tastings but aren’t willing to get drunk, why waste the time and/or the money?
I love Drunk Kristen and she’s definitely up there with the greats. Drunk Dorinda, Drunk Brandi, Drunk Lu, Drunk Vicki and the list goes on. Without Tequila Katie what other drunk alter egos do we have to root for besides Crazy Kristen on this show? After they somehow managed to calm down the inflatable used car dealership balloon that is Kristen Doute, the conversation shifted to Scheana.
In a shit stirring smirk, Katie decided to ask Scheana about having sex with Adam. I literally hate Katie. She has zero personality, an insufferable baby voice and definitely wouldn’t have gotten this far without marrying Schwartz and climbing inside Stassi’s asshole. What importance does Katie Maloney play on this show besides resembling Eeyore? And no that’s not a fat joke, it’s a boring joke. The way she tried to give Kristen a takking to for the entire episode and her words with Scheana were just sad. For once in my life, I am #TeamScheanaMarieShay. None of these girls care enough to be close to her, yet they prey into her business to talk about her sex life so they can bitch about it behind her back. Yes, that’s what all sensible adults do, duh, however, I can’t blame Scheana for not wanting to talk about it because Katie is the WORST.
She doesn’t care about being friends with Scheana or about her “hurtful” comments from over a year ago. They both said fucked up shit but Katie will dig up anything to play the victim and keep a feud going. Lala said FAR WORSE things about Katie and her relationship but somehow she managed to forgive her and suck her dick for PJ flights. Seeing Scheana cry about being rejected for asking her costar to literally braid her hair was delightful. Braiding someone else’s hair is literally the most intimate thing you can do, more so than oral sex which we know is like shaking hands in this group, so I’m confused why Scheana thought she could ask that question and have it answered with a positive response.
While all the girls bonded in Solvang, the “men” of the show, and I use that term very loosely, decided to throw their own gender themed night. Jax, Sandoval, Schwartz, Beau and Carter all met up for drinks before a very coked up Peter rolled in to get the party started. I’ve never seen the pirate lookalike have more energy in the seven years that we’ve known him and I think Colombia’s gift that keeps on giving was the main reason behind his sudden positive outlook. Oh and James also managed to tag along but he was just happy to be included. Somehow, Peter (and the producers) managed to bring three girls back to the hotel room to drink while Jax and Beau hid on the balcony like scared little bitches trying to call their significant others.
Are you fucking kidding me? No wonder Jax’s acting career never took off because he is a horrendous actor. We all know if there weren’t cameras he would’ve been 5 inches deep in at least two of the girls an hour into the night. Stassi and Brittany wanting the hoes to leave is ridiculous. The whores don’t need to go anywhere, their men just need to control their urge to fuck them while cameras are present. It’s that simple. Don’t blame the whores, blame the sacks of fat that sleep next to you every night.
Peter may or may not have entered one of the women in the bathroom but the only sex I want to see in this hotel room is between Tom and Tom. Gay all the way. While everyone partied like they were at a 2009 fraternity party, Carter decided to fuel Kristen’s fire by telling her James was invited to the boys night. Really? Let her enjoy her night Carter, what was the need for this information to be relayed back to Kristen while she’s on a girls trip? I’m confused. He can’t tell Kristen James is invited to another event but then tell her not to let him control her thoughts, does he know who he’s dating? As a result of a very intoxicated Kristen receiving the unsettling news of James Kennedy receiving even more camera time, she decided to go on a confusing, inaudible rampage which resulted in her falling over a coffee table like a piece of spaghetti. Bless her heart.
That fall would’ve hurt, thank god the wine broke her fall but instead of getting up and dusting herself off, Kristen just stayed down for a while before crawling out the door and wandering through the night leaving her friends to shit on her relationship with Carter. Obviously, everyone has known about the fuckery going down in Kristen and Carter’s relationships for years but are only now discussing it. Apparently, he refuses to pay any bills, won’t go to therapy, is mean to Kristen and has been behaving this way for over a year.
Why are they even still together? Kristen’s rage is a direct cause of her relationship drama, there’s definitely a lot more to this story that we don’t know. However, through a series of flashbacks, we see Kristen talking about her relationship issues, even in Mexico last season which means she has spoken about it on camera but the producers just aren’t showing it. Why? Why??? Note to whoever the fuck is editing this show, Kristen’s relationship going downhill faster than a fat kid is more optimal television than seeing Jax and Brittany pick out an engagement party venue and I'm disgusted that this is the first we are hearing of it.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!