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RHOBH Recap: Pump Patterns

Only four episodes in and everybody is already over Vanderpump's antics but at least we have the nice backdrop of the Bahamas to accompany LVP's inevitable takedown. Everyone has tried to expose Lisa's manipulative ways: Camille, Adrienne, Kyle, Kim, Brandi, Yolanda, Taylor, Rinna, Eileen, Erika, Dorit and now Teddi is the latest one to wake up from the curse of LVP's dusty muff, but I guess almost every single person Lisa has shared the screen with is lying, right?

In the wise words of Heather Dubrow, when everyone says you're dead it's time to lie down. The thing that annoys me more than LVP is her annoying stans on social media. Calm the fuck down. Don't threaten to kill her cast member's children or post weird screenshots from things the girls have tweeted years ago to try and make a point, this is a TV show for our entertainment and as much as I like sharing my opinion I don't need 85 bots coming after me. Teddi Mellencamp is Lisa's latest Pump Puppet who's woken up to her behind the scenes need to drive a storyline. Don't believe me? Let's go down memory lane.

This is a pattern Lisa Vanderpump has practised time and time again. She'll give her loyal Pump Puppet some information she intends for them to share on camera to hurt another cast member who she secretly hates but doesn't want to be in a feud with and as soon as the respective Pump Puppet does her dirty work, she retreats to the corner, pretends she knows nothing about what's going on and denies any involvement for the entire season. This isn't the first time she's done this. She used Pump Puppet Brandi to try and bring the magazines to Palm Springs to embarrass Kyle. She used Pump Puppet Rinna to talk about Munchausen which they had all been discussing behind the scenes to come for Yolanda. Now, Lisa used her latest Pump Puppet Teddi to talk about about the dog to hurt Dorit.

Lisa has practised this pattern time and time again and everybody has gotten used to. Kyle, Rinna and Erika know who she is but after going against her, only to see her always come out victorious, they decided to get used to it and attempt to stay on her good side, that's why everyone is so fed up with Teddi being set up because Rinna has been in her position and Kyle has been in Dorit's position. Can't this weird shit end? A scene which just consisted of the Vanderpump gay bringing the dog out and LVP saying she "doesn't want to talk about it" has now turned into LVP telling her workers to tell Teddi so she would have the information, so Lisa could then pit Dorit and her against each other and watch those two fight while she was the British comedic relief.

It sounds crazy, right? IT IS FUCKING CRAZY. This Bobby Fischer behaviour isn't normal and there's no way Lisa Vanderpump didn't scheme and set this up, however, she will never ever ever ever ever ever admit it. Never. We've seen her deny this behaviour every single time it has come up over the years, so I guess everyone is just lying? When you're the common denominator of the drama and seem to be blamed for your manipulative behind the scenes behaviour every few seasons then you're the cunt. And I'm sick of the victim mentality. LVP was pulling this shady shit when her brother was still alive, so she can't act like a cunt and then pull the dead brother card. I would have more respect if Lisa told the truth and admitted to it, but we all know there's more chance of another Vanderpump spinoff than there is of that happening.

That's everything you need to know in a nutshell. Teddi has woken up and has screenshots of John Blizzard confirming LVP told him to tell her and after Lisa, of course, denied any involvement the two spent an entire dinner full of scary direct eye contact. Vanderpump's deck of cards is falling and it's falling fast. Teddi is aware of her seedy double handed ways, Rinna still wants justice for the Munchausen drama, Kyle knows LVP's behaviour better than anyone, Erika has been WOKE since she identified her as a shooter from the side, Dorit has some experience with LVP's dark side from the Palihouse saga which just leaves loveable doe-eyed Denise in the middle with no idea what's happening and Camille defending Lisa because I guess she wants to stand out.

Apart from all the dog drama, this episode was F-U-N. I'm loving Erika Jayne this season, she's much more likeable then she was with her icy behaviour a year ago and is just having fun with the girls while also being woke about who Lisa Vanderpump is. She may not be right in the drama but seeing Erika eviscerate someone with her monotone voice and death stare is fucking frightening so I'd rather see her as the Fun Erika she's giving us now opposed to yesteryear's ice queen. Something else I'd rather see was the ladies whooping it up at the club instead of snorkelling with sand. If this was New York the entire episode would've been dedicated to the ladies drinking at the club and the fact that everyone can get drunk together while LVP roams around in her room just shows how she's grown out of the group. Can you imagine LVP flopping around the beach in a thong with a pina colada in her hand?

Dorit also admitted to not only giving one Vanderpump dog away but told the story of how she also had a dog called Maddie beforehand who bit Phoneix which caused her to trade her in at Vanderpump Dogs to adopt Lucy. I've come to like Dorit and I believe her story of giving Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy away to another family, however, in traditional Carrie Bradshaw style I couldn't help but wonder, why couldn't she just give the second dog back to Vanderpump Dogs like she did the first time? Camille was hung up on the semantics of what happened with Dorit and the dog, however, isn't setting up your friend on a reality show worse than giving a dog to another family? If LVP told Dorit to her face she was mad about the dog drama and didn't use Teddi or British humour to punish her I may be on LVP's side, but of course, she can't ever do anything that isn't a planned scheme.

Lisa threw Teddi right under the bus by making her employees tell her the dog information and then texting Dorit with the news that Teddi knows. If these weren't the early stages of a set up I don't know what is. However, to try and get ahead of the gang up, Vanderpump and Ken decided to get Teddi's texts with Blizzard and read them on TV. I'm sorry but as much as I despise LVP and her dusty muff, that's big dick energy. From the reciepts, we know Teddi (allegedly) asked Blizzard to have the dog there so she can say it looks like Dorit's. Teddi is in a shitty situation but I'm ready for her clapback to this complete and utter situation of fuckery.

I'd just like to add Denise Richards not knowing what's happening at any and all times is such a fun escape from the dog drama and she's the down to earth, relatable new girl Teddi Mellencamp wanted to be last year.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

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