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RHOBH Recap: Dirty John

Just like Denise Richards, I am so fucking confused. Are we watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or Pretty Little Liars? Did these ladies kill someone and bury their body in Villa Rosa because to the untrained eye you would think a major crime was committed in all of this mishegas, I'm enjoying this season but I feel like I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle and the producers are only giving us one small piece at a time. I've never been an LVP fan (don't @ me) however, I'm not opposed to being on her side, I just know everything out of her mouth is as authentic as most of the cast's breasts.

Before we dive into all the dog drama let's start with something a little lighter: Denise Richards. Charlie Sheen's long-suffering ex-wife is a breath of fresh air on this show. She's relatable, fun, wears jean shorts and eats chicken nuggets from the kid's menu, what's not love? Denise is a great escape from the heavy, contrived Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy drama and she represents us all by never what the fuck any of these women are talking about. Denise Richards is the newbie Teddi wanted to be but with way more confidence and a strong threshold from years of dealing with Charlie. This week Denise woke up and decided to marry her boyfriend Aaron in ten days time after his divorce with Nicollette Sheridan was finally finalised. How are the divorcees of Charlie Sheen and Nicollette Sheridan such well-rounded people? I don't understand.

Denise's fiance Aaron is literally perfect. He's a daddy with a capital D, a great stepfather to her children, loves her in an authentic way and truly seems to be a genuinely good human being. Wow, she really doesn't have a type. Aaron is into all that zodiac, energy healing, kale eating shit but as long as he's fucking Denise all the live long day I really don't think she's listening to anything that comes out of his mouth. Aaron decided to have their wedding on 8/9/2018 for all these mathematical zodiac reasons which really did not make sense but as long as Denise has a ring on her finger and a shotgun wedding storyline under her belt, who the fuck is complaining? Even if she's only in this thing for one season at least she got a Bravo funded wedding out of it. #Winning.

Someone else I'm obsessed with is Lisa Fucking Rinna. No one has better energy than her, she's ALWAYS ready to go and is so much fun. How can so much fun fit into such a little package? Lisa is like a bullet vibrator, you turn her on and she starts taking you on so many directions you can't even remember how you got there. Seeing her pose for a gardening magazine in couture was truly unstoppable television and if she ever leaves this show I'll riot until the cows come home, so when does LVP finish up at SUR? Around 5 maybe?

Seeing Kyle's daughter leave for college on today of all days, you know when Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin along with 50 other wealthy parents were arrested for being involved in a cheating scheme to get their children into college, was troubling to see but there's no arrest warrant out for this Housewife's arrest and that's all that matters. Fate really has a way of working in Bravo's favour because after seeing the 780th storyline of a Housewife taking their kid off to college, I would've been far less interested if this cheating scandal wasn't all over the news. I don't even have anything to report. They took Sofia to Washington, the whole family cried, Alexia was drunk, Mauricio curled his wife's weave for her and I realised Kyle and Mauricio KNOW how to procreate. This is a very attractive family, especially when you consider Kyle's old nose.

Now to the dog drama. Teddi strolled over to Erika's Pasadena estate which looks like the inside of a coffin to confess to her part of the Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy set up. While in her chapel, which I really hope Erika has fucked in because if not that's more than a missed opportunity for her and Mr Girardi, Teddi admitted she was told about the dog drama by Blizzard at the request of Vanderpump and decided to go along with exposing Dorit for giving away the dog. Teddi was set to talk about the dog during the awkward Vanderpump Dogs scene but ultimately pulled away when she saw LVP screeching "I don't want to talk about it" when she was the one instructing Teddi to talk about it. Let's look at the facts. Lisa informed her henchmen to tell Teddi while she simultaneously texted Dorit saying "Teddi knows" and encouraged the Accountability coach to bring it up only to retract herself and put the focus onto Teddi. Yes, it sounds fucking crazy because IT IS fucking crazy but that's what 10 years on a reality show will do to a gal.

While Teddi was confessing to her sins, LVP had a meeting with John Blizzard where the Vanderpump gay admitted to lying about Lisa wanting him to tell Teddi. Are you fucking kidding me? Cut me a fucking break? So this whole thing boils down to a dog groomer telling Teddi his boss told him to tell her explosive information about their costar but he was actually lying. Is anyone buying this? First of all, if LVP and Dorit are really as close as she wants us to think they are, wouldn't Lisa be a little more pissed that her employee would not only lie to her friend about her but also attempt to throw her other friend under the bus? Instead, she just told him to stop lying while Dirty John admitted to telling a fib. Are we supposed to believe there wasn't any contact before this conversation about what he was supposed to say?

LVP obviously told Blizzard to tell Teddi and then brought him on camera to make him admit to lying to clean her hands of the situation because if your employee told a lie about you to hurt your friend, wouldn't you fire them on the spot? The Blizzard scene was one of the most contrived things I've ever laid my eyes on but this Vanderpump gay loves being at the centre of a major Housewives feud. This queen is definitely throwing viewing parties every Tuesday, hashtagging the shit out of his social media and living up this bitchy dog drama with the hope of the Vanderpump Dogs spinoff taking off, which nobody wants to watch. If this storyline has taught me anything it's that I never want to hear the term "Vanderpump Dogs" ever again let alone watch a show revolving around people washing dogs and picking up shit.

Although PK has his faults, he was very wise in this episode when he identified how Dorit needs to say sorry to Lisa Vanderpump 156 times when she has done something wrong, however, LVP can never admit defeat or cough up an apology even one lousy time. Being friends with Lisa Vanderpump really would be like playing chess with Bobby Fischer. She's so smart and calculating, you can never just let your hair down and ease into the friendship because there's always something coming around the corner. Even when LVP isn't orchestrating a behind the scenes takedown, she's always jabbing the girls with her British humour to make them look bad for something she already claimed to have forgiven them for weeks in advance. You can never relax with Vanderpump and she definitely loves that about herself.

After filming with Blizzard to clean her hands of all the dog shit, LVP invited Dorit and Kyle around to reveal Teddi's text messages with John Blizzard to them, where the accountability coach proclaimed "Have the dog there and I can say it looks like Dorit's" which Lisa kept referring back to. Teddi is definitely covered in dog shit and lied in the Bahamas when she claimed to have done nothing wrong when she, in fact, did do something wrong, however, the Accountability coach admitted to her bad behaviour of being LVP's pawn in a chess game. Lisa thought she could come in with the smoking gun of these text messages to finally vindicate herself once and for all, however, it only incriminated her more.

The girls know LVP was somehow involved in this situation because are we supposed to believe Teddi and Blizzard schemed to take down Dorit together and LVP had no knowledge of the situation at all? Yeah no. She's far too smart and calculating to have no knowledge of the situation and her Pump Pattern of setting up her friends in the past definitely debunks that theory. LVP claimed she never speaks to Blizzard and therefore had no knowledge of Teddi knowing about the dog drama, however, she also texted Dorit saying "Teddi knows" so if Blizzard didn't tell LVP, who did? How did she know that Teddi knew? Lisa literally got caught in a lie in front of Dorit and Kyle and couldn't find a way out of it. Honestly, we are six episodes in and this has gone too far, LVP should just admit to setting up the situation and apologise to Dorit but she's incapable of admitting she's wrong and will just revert to playing the victim as she's done any other time she's been called out.

The text messages LVP used to push the blame onto Teddi also incriminate herself as the following text from Blizzard after "Make sure the dog's there and I can say it looks like Dorit's" says “If they give us the go ahead.” Well, who the fuck is giving them the go ahead? Was Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy giving Teddi and Blizzard the signal to parade her out or was it the CEO of Vanderpump Dogs and OG Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump? We'll never know but something tells me we have a long time until we can stop hearing about this fucking dog.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

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