RHOBH Recap: Never Ending Story

I’m still so confused.

We are six episodes into the new season and everyone is still talking about this fucking dog. The dog didn’t work out and Dorit should’ve given it back to Vanderpump Dogs but she didn’t, so can we move the fuck on? At this stage in the game LVP is still playing innocent and showed incriminating texts between Teddi and Blizzard but Lisa still hasn’t been vindicated. Everyone knows she’s manipulative and there are years of flashbacks the producers are bringing up week after week. Teddi was involved and was prepared to expose the dog drama but she’s owning it, something Lisa is incapable of.

This is where Beverly Hills becomes redundant. Everyone can admit to their own wrongdoing but LVP simply can't ever own her mistakes, she’ll go to the grave blaming others for her manipulative storyline plans and there’s nowhere we can go with a liar at this point. Are we supposed to believe Lisa that she’s never ever tried to set up a storyline and everyone else on the show has been lying for ten years? Get fucking real. If that “Now we said it” flashback from Camille taught us anything it’s that Lisa has been repeating her Pump Pattern of using a pawn to expose something about her “friend” while she sits back with her tired British humour and denies any involvement when confronted with the truth.

Teddi shouldn’t have been involved in the plan but at least she can look at Dorit dead in the face and own her part. LVP tried to turn the texts on Teddi saying she was “shocked” but we all know Lisa saw those text messages well in advance and was orchestrating this plan through Blizzard the entire time. I really want to take a nap and have this storyline go away, yes LVP needs to be held accountable but she’s never ever going to admit anything, so getting an admission of guilt from Lisa would be like getting blood out of a rock or a normal voice out of Dorit. It’s just not going to happen. And why did they need to make Dorit look bad over this dog situation? Dorit Kemsley does that well enough herself so she doesn’t need anyone else trying to give her the cunt edit.

LVP stans can scream all day about how the other women are “jealous” and want to take down the “queen” but can they look at the fucking facts? Lisa keeps claiming she had no idea that Teddi knew and that she never speaks to John Blizzard, however, on the other side of her mouth she agrees that she texted Dorit saying Teddi knows and said she "of course" knew that Teddi knew. So which is it? If she was able to send Dorit the text, how’d she know that Teddi knew? It’s all bullshit. She was colluding with Blizzard to get this storyline out there and now she’s stuck like a fly in a web that she spun all by herself. The thing that incriminates LVP even more is that not only did she initially lie about any texts being sent to Dorit in the first place but that she didn’t warn Teddi that she had already told Dorit AND if she really didn’t want the dog drama brought up on TV, wouldn’t she have called Teddi and told her to keep the information quiet?

She’s caught. Lisa Vanderpump is caught. There’s no way she can explain her way out this one and there’s nowhere we can go from here because she’ll lie and deflect until she stops showing up, which I’m guessing will be only two weeks away? I can’t wait for the day this bitch stops showing up to work so we can put this stupid dog drama behind us for once and for all.

Moving on from one bitch to another. This episode was about Camille Grammer’s 50th birthday party. Are we really supposed to believe she’s been 49 this entire time? I thought Camille was a young 65 at best but if she wants to throw herself a 50th to make herself feel better then all the power to her. Is Camille on this show anymore because not even she cared enough to stand outside and part take in the dog drama conversation. The friend of has been around the block a long time and even though she has a strong moral dislike for Dorit and all her changing hairstyles she can still see through LVP’s bullshit because she was too a victim of the Pump Pattern. Camille’s main storyline this season along with claiming to be 50 is hating Dorit, even though the two made up after their forgettable feud last season, Camille is still running with shit talking the accent confused Housewife. Can you blame her? It’s the only thing really going for her at this point.

Season One Camille is back and even though it’s only through glimpses and sneaky side conversations, that bitch is alive and well and I expect to see her a lot more this season because if she isn’t giving us Season One Camille then she can stay home, oh I mean stay in her Malibu trailer since her home burned down. Too soon? Apart from everyone still talking about the dog drama and LVP continuing to deny it while nobody believed her, Camille’s 50th consisted of the ladies pretending to eat as well as Kyle doing her drunk splits on a dirty floor with no underwear. Okay, maybe the floor was clean but no floor can ever be clean enough to sit your bare vagina on. Is it even a Beverly Hills party if Kyle doesn’t do the splits?

Someone who is completely removed from all this dog drama is Denise Richards. The actress is getting married to her hot fiancé and spent a large portion of the episode talking about how big his dick is. Is Aaron’s cock sponsoring the show because it should be for the amount it was mentioned? And can we see a photo? How can Housewives continuously brag about their husband’s junk and not show us photographic receipts? Aaron is probably hung like a horse and I’m expecting a lot of length, definitely a reasonable amount of girth and maybe even a circumcised little guy down there. I really can’t picture Aaron having a turtle neck. Why else do we think Denise is so happy all the time, it’s because she’s getting fucked six ways to Sunday with a horse dick every night. Oh, and she also confessed it was the biggest dick that’s ever been inside her so I Charlie will be thrilled.

Amid the dark dog drama, Denise is the shining light through this season and is the addition we all needed. She wears jean shorts, eats with her hands, brags about her husband’s penis over food, never knows what the fuck is going on and planned a wedding in less than a week that Bravo is paying for just because she felt like it. Denise Richards may be being groomed by LVP to do her dirty work next season (if Vandermuff is back) but we all know Denise will be too busy ordering from the kids' menu to carry out Lisa’s latest plan.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies