Vanderpump Rules Recap: BotTom
TomTom is finally open and we can all take a sigh of relief. I never cared about LVP building her latest restaurant and slapping the Toms name on it for good PR so I'm glad this is one storyline we don't have to hear about again. She never wanted to involve them in the project which just used their personas to build some clout and attention around the restaurant without actually letting them help with anything or respect them as business partners, do we chalk this up to reason 345 why Lisa Vanderpump sucks? In all seriousness congratulations on TomTom and I can't wait till the day where I get blackout drunk there.
Instead of renting a motorbike and sidecar for a one-off event like a normal person, Sandoval decided to spend way too much money on a vehicle to arrive at the restaurant opening. Seriously was there no rental deal available? What the fuck is he going to do with this motorbike now? Nevertheless, Sandoval picked Schwartz up in his matching outfit and they drove to their restaurant opening together while Schwartz sat in the sidecar - he's definitely the bottom in this equation. It was an entertaining arrival which was two seasons in the making but I just can't get over this anime character making such a big purchase for a one-off event. Is anyone going to talk about it?
Seeing the two Toms embrace in their matching white suits over their white codependant motorbike was the most loving moment I've ever seen on this show. All the relationships on this show suck, they all cheat and fight for a living, however, the Toms are definitely the purest couple who need to cut the bullshit and finally be together, this way Ariana can continue her life as a strong lesbian woman and Katie can die alone in a Utah apartment full of cats. Everyone's happy. The opening itself was a little lukewarm, Brittany can't drink or eat spicy food which she did anyway while Jax sat by outraged that his baby making machine could potentially be damaged by one shot of tequila. Brittany isn't a person to Jax, she's a uterus and if she can't give him a child, then she's out the fucking door.
Scheana also drew attention to her relationship (?) with Adam. I'm so confused. They fuck and are together all the time but they aren't dating, yeah, that makes sense. Do you want me to tell you what does make sense? Scheana is a sugar baby. Scheana Shay has a sugar daddy who's paying for her apartment in Marina Del Rey and she can't go public with her relationship with Adam because it would fuck with the 50 something businessman who's paying for her hair extensions and modern apartment. Either she's pulling a Lala and giving BJs to get on a PJ or she just likes attention and having a will they/won't they relationship with the mute barback is the way to get that.
The TomTom opening party also consisted of Lala lying through her teeth to Vanderpump. LVP and her dusty muff questioned Lala over her behaviour at Billie's brunch where she aggressively yelled at Billie, James and Raquel in the entrance of SUR in front of paying customers, however, according to Lala she had a very civilised conversation and said what she needed to say. Lala's behaviour was disgusting, wildly entertaining, but disgusting and if James Kennedy had done that he would've been fired from SUR in 85 seconds. Lala does not need her waitress paycheck and she's an honest bitch so I'm not sure why she felt the need to lie to Lisa but maybe she just wasn't in the mood to get reprimanded about fighting in a workplace that isn't her actual workplace.
Katie and Schwartz's relationship sucks. These two have literally never liked each other, so the fact that they were the first to get married is like an alcoholic attending AA and still drinking. It just doesn't make sense. For a while now Katie has been complaining about Tom not making time for her which I understand, however, the fact that Katie is saying it makes me completely disagree. If Kristen, Lala, Ariana or Stassi were complaining about their men ignoring them I'd support it 100% but Katie has the ability to make me completely disagree with her valid point based purely on her personality. Katie sucks and if I was Schwartz I'd fail to acknowledge her existence as well. Did Katie really think the way to grab Tom's attention at the opening of his bar was to follow him around in her baby voice saying "Bubba" like a three-month-old?
Obviously, Tom should've given her more attention and attempted to value her, however, couldn't she have asked to pull him to the side and have a conversation about how important this night is for them as a couple? Just when their relationship was bordering on unsteady ground, the group took a trip to Mexico and a vacation south of the border always manages to bring out the fuckery in all of their relationships. The entire cast had to board a coach flight to Mexico which is ridiculous. This is one of Bravo's highest rated shows and they are sending them to Mexico for the 800th time in coach? I understand we have to keep up the "they're poor waiters" facade but Sandoval and Ariana bought a $2M house so let's cut the crap. Couldn't Lala have flown them all out on the PJ because she was slumming it in economy with the rest of the peasants.
During the flight, magically Scheana and Schwartz were upgraded to first class and of course, Katie wanted him to sit or swap with her and that didn't happen so she rage texted him for the entire flight. I'm glad Tequila Katie is back because she's been boring as shit for the last two seasons but doesn't she have anything better to do? I understand the rage texts were a result of Katie's feelings of neglect towards Schwartz and his first-class upgrade was a trigger of that, however, due to my intolerance of Katie, I just can't even attempt to side with her. Why couldn't Stassi or Ariana be having this problem? The only thing more annoying than Katie's presence is that we aren't going to get a Vicki Gunvalson cameo. They are in Puerto Vallarta, it almost feels wrong to have Bravo cameras there without seeing the OG of the OC whooping it up in Andales.
While all the couples looked around their rooms to decide where to "feed the hog" Katie and Schwartz dumped their bags and starting fighting about anything and everything in their relationship. These two haven't liked each other from day one so I don't understand how they are still together seven years later. They've fought in every single season since this show's inception and yes, normal couples fight but with these two I don't see any enjoyable qualities in the relationship and flashbacks of their several vacation fights definitely reassured me of this fact.
They hated each other for the first five seasons of the show, decided to "be in a good place" after they got married to prove everyone wrong and now they're back to hating each other. These two need to break up, she feels undervalued and he's over her shit, I really don't understand what either of these two are getting out of this relationship beside a storyline from this show and it's definitely not a wise idea for these two to even think about procreating.
I feel bad for Katie but she's too annoying for her own good and I was weirdly attracted to angry Schwartz, when he's yelling at his Tom Schwartz is a fucking stud. Bubba #1 hit the nail on the head when he said he doesn't listen to Katie because he doesn't like the sound of her voice and that she has the IQ of a 14-year-old. When a flaccid penis compares you to a 14-year-old you know shit is bad. There are no winners in this fight but they both need to break the fuck up and end this miserable relationship, however, I bet Carter was happy to see this troll's relationship implode after she trashed the way he speaks to Kristen only two epsiodes prior, as always #JusticeForKristen.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!