RHOP Premiere Recap: Mommie Dearest

The Potomac Housewives are definitely not my favourite franchise. It’s just not my show, mainly due to half the cast being insufferable to watch, however, I am HERE for this season and it looks to be the best one yet. Gizelle pretends to be upper class and hood at the same time, Ashley is too annoying to be enjoyable and Robyn is just sad, which really only leaves us with Karen, Monique and Candiace who can actually help raise some kind of serotonin levels for the viewers watching this show.

To kick off the season premiere Candiace got a massive glow up. Yes, she’s always been a pretty girl but the newest member of the cast had her hair blown out and eyeshadow on fleek at any and all times. The main thing going for the show at this time is Candiace’s wedding and if I haven’t said it enough in the last year of Bravo, I’ll say it again: I hate weddings. Not the actual I dos themselves but the dumb behind the scenes bullshit of the bride complaining about spending money she doesn’t have and acting like a bridezilla for dramatic effect. However, even though Candiace gave us a percentage of this behaviour, she wasn’t almost as bad as Danielle Staub or Eva Marcille, and even if she was, the wedding will be done by next week anyway.

Apart from Candiace talking about her wedding, it looks like she also mastered the art of folding up a napkin and putting it in the corner of her eye to stop her tears from ruining her makeup. This is when you know she’s become a Housewife because she can cry while still looking cute, plus, everybody knows that’s the best way to fake cry if you need to bring the waterworks even if the dam is out of water.

The main reason Candiace is crying is due to her mother paying for most of her wedding and feeling like she has no room to say anything to her because she’s the one writing the check. What does Dorothy do for work anyway? How is she rolling in so much coin? And isn’t Candiace’s Bravo paycheck big enough to pay for some of the wedding? I’m beyond confused but this is the situation we have to deal with. Their problem is the fact that Candiace’s dad had a love child seven years before she was born and she invited him to the wedding without telling her mother until three days before she was set to walk down the aisle.

I feel bad for Dorothy because her husband was running around knocking people up, however, she needs to be mad at him and not the son. The love child didn’t choose to be a love child so he doesn’t deserve any shit from Dorothy just because he happened to come out of her ex-husband’s ball sack at the wrong time. And the one person who really doesn’t deserve any of this drama is Candiace. Why should her mother be mad at her for inviting her own brother?

It’s Candiace’s wedding so as far as I’m concerned, Candiace makes the rules. The whole fight was hard to watch from the napkin folding to the deep-seated hatred to Dorothy trying her hardest to be Potomac’s own Mama Joyce. I’m so sick of Housewives mothers thinking they can come on and be beloved, it’s doesn’t work like that. Not everyone can be a Mama Dee or even a Dale in the same way that not everyone can be a Beyoncé. In Housewives mothers terms, Dorothy is a Michelle and unless she attempts to be somewhat likeable, she’s going to stay that way. There’s not much else I can say besides cut the fucking purse strings. Candiace finally feels like she graduated into a full-blown Real Housewife and not their little sister. She gave us the most real scene of the episode and was more mature than a 35-year-old roll of cheese. Candiace shows growth which is more than we can say for Gizelle and her messy antics.

Karen is still grieving her parent's death while being held up in her Great Falls estate with her sidekick turned lawyer turned friend turned accountant turned assistant Matt by her side. Why is this man on TV? Matt got a whole lot more gay in the offseason with his rainbow slides and bitchy commentary from the sidelines and if this is the gay best friend Potomac has to offer then I don’t want it. Matt’s presence on the show and in life confuses me, however, Karen needs someone to film with and she’s literally the HBIC of this franchise so we can’t complain. While Matt was getting wet being filmed, Karen got a call from Gizelle who “just happened” to be driving around the area. Did this bitch really drive an hour out of her way just to deliver Karen some cookies? What the fuck? Does she have nothing else to do with her day?

That’s not a thing and just proves everything Gizelle does is contrived and messy for reality TV purposes. She doesn’t want a friendship, she wants a storyline and bothering Karen to be her friend is the best way to do it. However, like the pro she is Miss Karen “The Grand Dame” Huger barely let Gizelle on her property, stating “I don’t want conversation” and basically opened her door just because she knows the Green Eyed Bandit makes some killer chocolate chip cookies. She may be a cunt but according to Karen (and Matt), Gizelle Bryant can bake. Oh and Every Hue Beauty is back with Sherman is anyone cares.

Speaking of something not one person cares about, Ashley and her kangaroo of a sugar daddy literally had sex for us on TV. I understand Bravo needs content but nobody wants to watch Gary the Groper licking whipped cream off Ashley’s boobs or see her straddle him in the hope of getting pregnant. The producers are really playing up this whole “felony assault” mishegas and every time they even flash over to Michael they can’t help but remind us in five episodes he’ll be grabbing some big old black booty. However, in the meantime, Ashley is hell-bent on getting pregnant with holistic remedies. Um. Why doesn't she ditch the fuzzy socks, massages and yoga and just fuck her husband? I’m pretty sure actual sperm is a far better way to conceive than eating right and going into downward dog.

I love pregnant Monique. There’s not much to talk about besides her strolling around her Potomac house with a baby in her stomach and two by her side but Monique is giving me life, even if she doesn’t have the energy to actually converse with anyone on this show. Pregnant Housewives are the best because they can sit back and eat salsa without having anyone come for them, because they are with child. Also, seeing Monique actually admit to being messy by talking to Sherman’s ex-wife was a relief in a show where everybody pretends they're doing everything to look out for their “friend” when they really just want to embarrass them on TV.

While some cast members were dealing with pregnancies, marriages and the death of both their parents, the biggest thing to happen in Robyn’s life is her haircut. We get it, you chose to have the same haircut as a 12-year-old boy, that’s fine but why shove it down our throat. I actually prefer Robyn with shorter hair but what I’d prefer even more is for to attempt and have a storyline that doesn’t revolve around her ex-husband or her new do.

In other news, Robyn and Juan are fucking like rabbits, something none of us needed to know. Does she think she’s cool because the guy she’s been chasing for 4 years finally decided to fuck her? Are we supposed to be happy for her spending years upon years going to bed with a vibrator only for her ex-husband to finally decide to have sex with her again? Robyn’s relationship is so weird I can’t even try to care about her strange home life but if she’s happy going to the spa with Juan and having him give her an ounce of attention then let her carry on, but a haircut and some dick won’t change the fact that she’s a human yawn. Unless Monique chokes her with an umbrella, there’s really no need for Robyn Dixon to be apart of this show.

All in all, I’m excited for the new season which looks like it will have more than enough drama and tea to keep us occupied, even if the Green-Eyed Bandits and their messy assistant make it almost impossible to watch. Potomac is where it's at bitches!

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.