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Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: Beauty Queen

This reunion was aggressive as fuck, obviously, nobody on this show is having sex anymore because if they were they wouldn’t be ripping each other to sheds over sad little tweets. The only thing more depressing than Katie’s overall attitude is how we are seven seasons in and these people are still sitting on barstools for 18 hours. How long do these people have to be on TV before they at least get a comfy couch they can relax into when the conversation isn’t about them?

Let’s start from the very beginning because Andy “switched gears” more time than someone driving a stick. Kristen is officially single which no one seemed to know, Lala is engaged which we all knew and Jax and Brittany are still planning their Kentucky dream wedding after his dad’s death gave them a kick start. Immediately everybody started talking about James’ rap which was the first domino in his firing from SUR. Jax fucked Faith and he rapped about it. Who cares? If Jax Taylor didn’t bang the thirsty waitress then James wouldn’t even have anything to wrap about in the first place. Jax was the number one cunt on this show since day one and now he’s just passed on the reigns to James, however, why is he acting like Jesus and hanging James to the cross when he’s done way worse? Did James impregnate a pornstar in Vegas? Possibly. Did he fuck his girlfriend’s friend? Most likely, but that’s not the point. Seeing Jax act like he has any kind of power over anyone is gross and let’s not beat around the bush: once an asshole, always an asshole.

Everyone is over James, it’s pretty clear but he was never friends with anyone, to begin with. He’s good with Sandoval, Ariana and Scheana but the only person he had a real authentic friendship with was Lala and that’s the only thing I want to be repaired. Lala is James’ way into the group and if he wanted more screen time and a real reason to make amends with everyone to keep his job on the show, he’d reconnect with Lala and work his way up from there. But I guess he’s too stubborn to do that. Speaking of Lala, everyone is pissed her boyfriend, well fiancé, isn’t around and with good reason. As boring as this season was, every one of the cast members on this show bleeds out for it to give us content, so it’s unfair that Lala Kent just gets to hide the biggest part of her life from us. So she doesn’t have to show Randall because he’s a producer? Bullshit.

She knows as soon as the Bravo cameras show up to film them as a couple all their dirty laundry will come to the surface and all of America will give their opinion on their relationship. Lala doesn’t want to face the music but haven’t we come this far in reality TV that Bravo can make a rule, if reality TV stars don’t want to show their reality on REALITY TV then they need to be shown the door because what are we paying them for? It’s like walking across fire, without any fire. It would be one thing if Randall didn’t know any of her cast members on the show but he hangs out with ALL of them. If he is friendly with them and takes them on countless trips then why the fuck isn’t he featured?

It’s fucking stupid and Lala’s entire behaviour during this reunion was pathetic. Whenever she didn’t want to talk about something she shut it down and refused to go there. Um? Who died and made her the queen of this show because although she somewhat became the fan favourite with all her feminist quotes last season, Stassi is still standing and we all know she’s the HBIC. She doesn’t want to talk about anything and she doesn’t want to show her fiancé on the show. What does she bring besides talking about sucking dick for a Range Rover and being from Utah? If you think about it we really don’t know anything about Lala outside of this group and we haven’t even seen her house. I love Lala and she’s definitely one of my favourite Bravolebrities but, come on girl, you need to step it the fuck up.

Andy then “switched gears” to talk about TomTom and LVP lied her ass off to try and make some sort of excuse for her behaviour. According to the old strumpet, she wanted Tom and Tom to show up more, contribute to the cocktails and help Ken plan the bar so that it could include an ice bar, however, there are flashbacks of her not allowing them at the restaurant, using two other people to make the cocktail menu and she didn’t want them to help Ken, so what are we supposed to believe. Lisa is a liar and if the employees of her own spin-off can see this along with her cast members of her other reality show, why can’t her fans?

I literally don’t understand. At the end of the day, LVP didn’t want the Toms help, she wanted to create a restaurant using their names for publicity and money to try and exploit as much coin as she could from this show. However, when she's called out she does what she always does: play the victim. She literally sets them up as her punchline on the show to make them look like blubbering idiots week after week as a weird dominance thing, which is just passive aggressive, sad and weird. Also, why is ARIANA the one standing up for the Toms? Can't those two limp penises grow some balls and actually express how they feel to their boss/business partner? I'm OVER LVP and if you have any more questions about the cow, refer to my Shade of the Week.

Raquel is the herpes of Vanderpump Rules, she's just the gift that keeps on giving. Whenever this show starts to go stale, the producers throw Raquel in to invite someone to a puppy shower, talk about her PTSD from not getting her ice cream scoops in elementary school and walking around absent-mindedly while several woman line up to tell her they fucked her boyfriend. It took a whole season for Raquel to finally admit she doesn't think James was "completely faithful" to her, which makes me realise she's not a complete idiot but the poor girl couldn't even get her thought out. While the Bambi Eyed Bitch was referring to herself as a beauty queen and talking about her social anxiety, Jax Taylor couldn't help but butt in. This isn't about you. Shut the fuck up. I'd rather hear Raquel talk about Graham and sparkles than Jax claim to be turning his life around when we all know he's fucked everything with a hole from here to Timbuctoo.

Why is everyone on this show so pressed about Raquel believing that DJ James Kennedy cheated on her when THEY ALL CHEATED. How many cheating scandals have Jax and Schwartz been involved in? Suddenly they're the judge and jury of people fucking around on their girlfriends? Give me a fucking break. Everybody needs to get off their high horse and shut the fuck up. Of course, James cheated on Raquel but if she wants to stay with him to be on TV then that's her prerogative. Did he suck on somebody's boob in Canada? 100% but if Raquel is okay with looking the other way to sell Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram then everybody else should be.

Jax is such a rude asshole, and James is too, but at least the DJ isn't pretending to be some reformed preacher. Raquel is a queen in her own right and even if she has a pebble and a paper clip for a frontal lobe, her angelic mini dress with ruffles and a sash was by far the best costume on the stage. How can you top that? She may have looked like a discombobulated flamingo but at least she wore someone that wasn't a bright coloured mini dress.

After somewhat gracefully going through the day in some kind of order, LVP walked off the set crying about her brother and the wheels completely fell off. James and Jax started fighting about Twitter from the DJ tweeting about his dead dad to Jason creating a fake account posing as Raquel to try and out James as a homosexual. I'm sorry but how much time does Jax have on his hands to make fake tweets about James sucking dick? And it was linked to his phone number, so he can't lie his way out of this one. Jax and James are assholes. Both of them. They both lie, cheat and act like total fuckwits over and over again but for some reason, everybody always decides to forgive Jax because they've "known him for 20 years," when in reality it's because they're on a show together. If there were no cameras would Sandoval really stay friends with the guy who fucked his girlfriend and had no remorse for it?

The two rivals got up and looked like they were going to fight but I've seen street cats do more damage than those two pussies. If Andy Cohen is able to break you up, then obviously you weren't that intent to fight. I'm over these dumb dickheads pretending like they're going to do something. Seeing them going to fight, isn't the same as an actual fight and unless I see blood or at least someone attempt to start swinging, it's just a waste of time and energy. If everyone hates James, why the fuck do they care what he has to say? If a hobo told me I was ugly or talked about my dad, why the fuck would I let it affect my day? Who gives a single fuck about what DJ James Kennedy has to say? Certainly not Raquel who blacks out every time he opens his mouth. Maybe they all need to channel Raquel and their lives will be so much simpler.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!