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Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: Eeyore Energy

Normally I love Vanderpump Rules but I’m so happy I won’t see these SURvers until December. This season obviously wasn’t their best because everyone likes each other with the exception of DJ James Kennedy and although this reunion was great, I need a break from the hypocrisy of this show.

To kick off the third hour of the reunion, everyone discussed how Schwartz was a little bitch by pawning off the inviting James to Mexico situation onto Sandoval. How does Tom Schwartz go through season after season unscathed? Can we see his dick though? Does it work? Is it a classic cock? Does it tilt to the side? Is he circumcised? I need answers and a leaked dick pic is what we all need from Schwartz. He always ends up as the loveable puppy dog mainly due to everyone hating Katie so much that he gets a free pass. Katie sucks to the point where even if she makes a good point, I still can’t bring myself to actually tolerate or side with this woman.

Katie has what I like to call Eeyore Energy, which she shares with Robyn Dixon in Potomac and, to a degree, Shannon Beador in the OC. They all carry a negative dark cloud over their heads at all times which makes them more unlikeable than a paper straw. I understand we have to save the turtles but why do I need to consume my beverage through a sad, flat straw to do so?

Like most reunions, nothing was actually solved but Ariana and Tom Sandoval came off as the MVPs because they treat everyone the same across the board and seem to be the only ones who aren’t consumed with rage every single time James Kennedy opens his mouth. James is a dick, everybody knows this, but he’s reality TV gold and he’s here to stay, especially now that Raquel secured her job as a waitress at SUR. But the problem with James is that he’s doing his costars job all by himself. By shouting, yelling, getting mad and texting during the reunion, he’s proving everything everybody has to say about him. He couldn’t find his way out of a plastic bag and although he’s entertaining, I don’t know if I have it in me to watch an entire season of everyone continuing to hate him while they all stay friends.

I love Beau and he and Stassi are beyond couple goals, but does he really need his own segment at the reunion? Is that necessary? Stassi gets drunk and projects all her relationship issues into her boyfriend which isn’t fair, but how many times can we talk about it? She swore of Adderall and has officially made a change for the better but we all know there’s going to be at least one dark passenger reemergence in the upcoming season.

Stassi can’t go one season without having a freakout, mainly due to the fact that her birthday always happens to fall during the filming schedule. Some other tidbits we found out is that Patrick cheated on Stassi but she stayed and she made up with her mother after she humiliated her on Stassi’s own show. Dana needs to be a Housewife but she’s definitely not rich enough to qualify for a Beverly Hills diamond, so why don’t we do the next best thing and make a show starring the Vanderpump parents?

This show is growing up and maturing, so why don’t we transfer over into a spin-off starring the mothers to keep things interesting. Stassi, James, Katie, Kristen, Jax and Brittany’s mothers could all make their own Housewives-esque show called Pump Parents and I would be there with popcorn in hand to watch that mess hit the ceiling. Could you imagine those women on a Miami vacation together? Magic.

The end of the reunion dissipated into Andy just asking random questions to fill the hour, however, they also touched on Kristen’s relationship with Carter. To keep you up to date: Kristen and Carter are broken up, however, they still live together, have had sex twice and he’s the only person she would ever marry. So basically Kristen is copying Scheana’s tactics of being together but not being together at the same time. She also told the story of her dog being malled by a pit bull and how she needed Carter, who probably gave her the emotional support of an eraser. Carter’s an asshole and Kristen deserves a lot more than a video game addict who doesn’t pay the bills and yells at her.

The other side of this relationship is Katie and Stassi. Kristen obviously vented to her friends about her fucked up relationship and they had enough and although Kristen is my lord and saviour, I can see both sides of the argument. We’ve all had those friends who bitch about their asshole boyfriends but stay with them like nothing ever happened and just expect us to shut our mouths. There’s only so much you can listen to before you’ve had enough.

However, Kristen is still IN it and can’t see out the other side so she doesn’t see how annoying it is and still has some weird love toward her boyfriend which she can’t explain. It seems like there’s a happy solution though, Kristen can keep bitching about Carter to the other girls on the cast before she finally breaks up with him and moves on with her life. Hopefully this relationship comes undone soon because I can’t even bear to hear this bullshit carry on and I’m on the other side of the TV. I’m just glad Kristen finally received the airtime she deserved, even if it was because she fell over a table and jumped down James throat whenever he tried to open his mouth.

Some final moments of the reunion involved Tom having to apologise to Katie about their Mexico blowup even though she said equally as fucked up things, the entire cast confirmed they had anal leakage after their trip, Lala announced she was officially added to Brittany’s bridal party of 12 people and Scheana gleefully told the group about how Adam finally went down on her after she gave him the penguin.

Honestly, good for Scheana Marie Shay who is lowkey carrying this show on her back with help from her desperate need to be loved by fuck boys. Oh, and I finally worked out where I recognised Ethan from. He was the model on the WWHL LA special who Brandi Glanville and Scheana Shay both admitted to having a crush on. Wow, these girls really love their Latin men, don’t they? Jax also cried about his mother not talking to him and although their situation is very, very deep on so many different levels, as the parent she should really reach out and at least try to mend fences with her children because you can’t come back from not going to your only son’s wedding.

And that’s it! Just as James was flipping off the entire cast while Jax was crying, Peter brought out the blowjob shots and got everyone to take them back while they all tried to chew down Mamaw’s beer cheese. This officially marks an end of an era. This is the last season before Jax and Brittany officially get married, before someone ends up getting pregnant, the last season Stassi will use Adderall and before we see all the cast members in their million dollar houses, so let’s all take a moment to thank the SUR back alley for all the iconic moments we’ve been provided with for the last seven years. Amen.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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