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Southern Charm Recap: Cheaters

Is Eliza like an actual cast member on this show because I’m already over her. She never shuts the fuck up and is just a tried representation of the good old boys club in a younger more nasal form. I don’t really care to get to know Eliza but Kathryn needs someone to yell at when she gets stressed so I’m glad this dumb bitch has stepped in to take over Ashley’s shoes. Also, her dad cheating on her mother by getting another girl pregnant was a riveting backstory and makes me like her a little bit but I really can’t be bothered to see her cry about it as her storyline any time soon.

Shep sucks. He used to be hot a couple of seasons ago but now he’s just a washed up alcoholic who fucks girls 20 years younger than him and is on track to be the next T-Rape of Charleston. Minus the rape, because I really don’t think Shep has it in him to hurt another human being, he just won’t call you the next day. Somehow he rationalised that Madison is in the wrong for cheating on Austen after he already cheated on her. What? Cheating is wrong no matter what order it happened in and she is no more guilty than her threesome loving boyfriend. Shep also defended Austen having said threesome, so everything out of his mouth is just a dumb sexist comment that I don’t even care to dissect. I also don’t care about Austen and Madison’s relationship. They love being the new dysfunctional relationship on this show and I really can’t find a fuck to give about anything going on between them.

Craig seems like his life is together but he really just has an assistant/ mother figure telling him what to do at all hours of the day. However, he has never looked better with his tan, beard and amazingly designed house, so at least he has that figured out, even if he can’t develop an actual sewing company. I’m just glad all the Craig bashing is over because he’s so adorable I don’t want anyone trying to roast him for anything even if he is more disorganised than Shep’s bedroom. Also, that box of beef jerky that was ordered in a drunken haze was wild. Who needs that much beef jerky in a lifetime let alone in one box?

Even though she isn’t on the show, everyone is still talking about Ashley and some award she got for being a good person which is like Casey Anthony winning mother of the year. There’s really not much else to say but I can’t wait for her to make her thirsty comeback on the show to try and get any camera time she can by trying to befriend a group of people who all hate her.

Chelsea threw a house warming party and her new home is so fucking cute. I love the laid back furniture, the blue tiles in the kitchen and her little plant room out the back but most importantly, I love that she did it all by herself. All the homes in Southern Charm are better than those cesspits that the Vanderpump Rules cast call apartments, so they are winning in the middle class Bravo department. Craig’s house is nice and even Kathryn has a great new apartment which is $6,600 a month in rent. Who does she think she is? Everyone was acting amazed that she’d be spending that kind of money but we all know her senator boyfriend or Thomas’ child support is paying for it and that’s fine. More power to Kathryn Dennis as the new lead of the show.

At Chelsea’s party Austen complained about her using a different brand of beer but how can he complain? He doesn’t have any beer to serve because he couldn't afford to make it but it was clear he was madder at himself than he was at the Island beer that was on tap. And how fancy of Chelsea to be serving beer from a keg at her own party. Shep also told the story about how his girlfriend of a week dumped him because he posted a photo with another girl on a couch as well as taking her for a bike ride but not noticing when she fell in a ditch and kept riding. How did he not know his girlfriend was in a ditch? Didn’t he hear her fall? Let’s just add this to the list of reasons as to why Shep does not belong in a relationship, even if he is 45.

Another bombshell dropped was that Kathryn and Whitney hooked up over the summer but he swore her to secrecy not to tell anyone, even though she went and did just that. In this equation why is Whitney the one ashamed to tell people? I just assumed he had a gay lover in whatever city he always travels off to, so I can’t even imagine the two of them boneing. Did he eat her out? What positions were they doing? Did they use a condom? Does she call him Daddy? Does he call her Mommy (we all know he has a mommy kink)? I have so many questions and someone needs to quiz her to get the answers because all we know is that it “wasn’t bad."

They had sex in California and I still don't really know why but if the producers are trying to set them up as star crossed lovers, I'll pass, Whitney's nice and all but he looks like a middle-aged lesbian. And by the way, I ALWAYS believed Craig's theory about Whitney's hatred for being due to her fucking his best friend. It was common sense but for some reason it took three seasons for everyone else to believe it.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.

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