RHOP Recap: Squeeze And Suck
I love a late in life gay and it seems like Potomac is going to be the first Bravo franchise to have one of its characters finally give in to their love of dick. Michael Darby loves dick more than a fat girl loves cake and more than the Vanderpump Rules cast loves cocaine, so it only makes sense that he confessed he'd love to suck some guy's dick when he was wasted at his wife's family gathering.
Robyn and Candiace managed to hear his slip up about deepthroating a BBC, however, no one wants to bring it up to Ashley out of respect for her marriage. Uh, what? Why are they trying to respect their marriage, when Michael, someone actually participating in said marriage, doesn't respect his wife enough by blabbering about his love of penis to his wife's costars? What's worse telling your "friend" about her husband's love of cock or letting your "friend" get pregnant to a gay guy, only for her to find out six months later from watching the show that everyone knew the whole time and didn't tell her. Robyn and Candiace just hoped the other was too drunk and forgot, however, can't they do their job and repeat it? It's the right thing to do, especially when they are already talking about it in their confessionals.
Ashley sucks. She's still trying to get pregnant to secure a storyline, however, she's doing everything she can to have a baby, except having sex with her gay husband. No amount of yoga, oils or vegetables is going to help you get pregnant if you aren't having unprotected sex with your husband, which probably isn't the best idea for Ashley because who knows where Michael's been throwing his boomerang. The best part of this entire show is everyone knowing this secret about Michael, except Ashley, so she's just left in the dark until she watches the show back and has to think of some lengthy lie to try and explain it away at the reunion. As much as I'm over her need to be as messy as humanly possible, without Ashley being in the dark about her husband's love of dick, we wouldn't have a lot happening.
For some reason, Gizelle decided to take all the ladies to New Orleans, which only fuels her ego of being the star of the show. The excuse for this vacation seems a little more plausible than excuses for past trips in the Housewives universe, as Gizelle stated her father is turning 80 and she wanted all the girls to come along as part of her new therapy storyline. Is anyone buying Gizelle's quest to be a better person because it's as believable as Michael Darby pretending to be straight? Green Eyed Bandit #1 is also trying her hardest to "be friends" with Karen after Sherman ghosted her for the second time, however, they weren't even out of the gate and they've already hit a weird, unnecessary bump in the road.
Gizelle was hawking her makeup line at some convention which she invited Karen to attend. She introduced the Grand Dame to the person who helped her launch Every Hue Beauty in Target, which made Karen light up at the thought of this same woman helping her in the same way with her Grand Dame perfume, which she is selling for $80. I love Karen and her receding hairline, however, who the fuck is buying an $80 bottle of perfume from Karen? I don't see this working but apparently, the House of Huger is happening whether we like it or not. As per usual, Gizelle decided to make this interaction about herself and got upset when she heard Karen talking to a stranger about her business when she doesn't tell her anything.
Ugh. Gizelle. When is she going to learn? These two went through an entire year of Gizelle pressing her for questions about her financial problems, made fun of her countless times and came to her house dressed as a pizza delivery guy just to be messy and see if Karen actually lived in her Great Falls estate. The lengths the Green-Eyed Bandits and their messy assistant went to just to keep pressing Karen was beyond sad, so why would Gizelle think Karen would be comfortable telling her anything? I'm confused. They have to build that friendship and trust back up, not just jump in with no lube, and Karen was talking BUSINESS with this businesswoman, not her friend. Of course, Gizelle took someone that had nothing to do with her as a personal attack.
This New Orleans trip is the first actual event of the season. Yes, we had Candiace's wedding but everyone had to play nice there and not everyone turned up to Ashley's party, so what better way to truly kick off this season than by locking a group of woman who hate each other in a confined space for four days? What could be better than that? For some reason Robyn is late which baffles me because why does she think anyone would want to wait for her? Karen has diva energy so I can understand, but nobody wants to be kept waiting on the tarmac for the Eeyore of the group. She made it just in time and the Potomac Housewives + Katie made their way to The Big Easy. I've never been to NOLA, however, through all the Bravo trips I've sat through, there doesn't seem to be a place more fun, energetic and weirdly educational.
Candiace was talking about being scared of kids and needing a therapy session when Ashley piped in to ask if it was going to be with her mother. Ugh. Can someone keep this messy bitch locked up in the corner because she's so desperate to get into everyone else's business that it looks more inauthentic than Karen's braids? The moment anyone talks about Ashley's coked up mama or gay husband she jumps up and goes crazy, so I don't understand why she thinks she can do the same thing with a weird cheeky grin. Candiace is sitting on the dick sucking secret about Michael and I can't wait until she lets the cat out of the bag when Ashley's messy antics become too much.
And for the record: I'm over Candiace's mother. That's her mama so I don't want to be disrespectful but why are we still making this a storyline? She's a budget Mama Joyce and her stupid threats about selling Candiace condo is just another attempt at trying to control her 30 something-year-old daughter.
To kick off the NOLA trip, Gizelle had no voice but that didn't stop her from telling all the girls what to do but not telling them what night everything was going to happen. I'm confused. Why all the secrecy? This isn't a nuclear bomb, it's a girls trip, can't she just tell them what night they're doing what? Before everyone decided to go out for night one, Katie decided to smoke a cigarette in a Mardi Gras mask which everyone was horrified by. It's a cigarette, not a crack pipe, Robyn, close your mouth and beg your husband to love you. I am all here for free spirit Katie and if she wants to run naked with a cigarette in every one of her holes, then more power to her. Everyone doesn't know how to make of her but I think she'll fit into this group great by calling everyone on their bullshit and sprinkle the show with a layer of her zero fucks energy.
All the ladies went out for dinner, however, instead of a restaurant, Gizelle booked them into a cooking lesson. I understand New Orleans has great seafood, however, I'm not going on vacation and dressing up nice just to learn how to cook. It's not happening. The ladies sucked on some crustaceans, cooked some crepes and fried up some alligator while Katie ran around the kitchen with a wig so synthetic I thought it was going to catch on fire.
When everyone sat down to eat, Gizelle couldn't help but bring up Karen telling a stranger about her business but not her, which went exactly how you think it would go. Karen already does not trust Gizelle and her bringing this up in front of a table of people is only going to make their trust issues worse, so the Grand Dame and her braids stormed off while Gizelle acted pretend confused as if she hadn't instigated the entire conversation.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.