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Southern Charm Recap: Dirty Madison

I feel like I say this every week, but I'll say it one more time. I love Southern Charm and it's wildly entertaining but there's never much to report back. Everyone mostly gets along except for the occastional couple drama, Shep deciding to hate Craig every now and again and Kathryn with her rotating adversary each season. Also, I know I also say this every week but is Eliza on this show? I'm still confused about it, I didn't even realise she was still around until the "next on" and if I can't even notice her absence then obviously she shouldn't be on this show.

Chelsea is still in love with her race car driving boo but he just signed a three year contract so they can only communicate through email when he can be bothered replying. Couldn't they just table it and possibly come back to each when the three years is up? Long distance does not work, everyone can say their cousins friends made it work but long distance is never, ever going to fucking work. Are they supposed to masturbate for three years whenever they get horny? I love Chelsea and Nick looks like a cute guy but it's hard enough making it work with someone across town let alone on the other side of the country.

Cameran is complaining about something to do with her baby. I think. To be honest I wasn't really listening but I can only guess she's struggling with a work life balance. She had the baby and now she's stuck with it, you can't have both so Cameran could at least wait until the baby is in pre-school before she starts up her real estate career again. What's the need for her to rush back into it so quick? She could take a few years off, sell a house every now again and then jump back into real estate with two feet while her kid is learning her ABCs. I like Cameran being much more involved this year and it doesn't even bother me that we don't see her husband because he seems more boring than Elvis the dog.

Kathryn has a new man in her life, a senator from Florida, so she has a type. Joe is 38-years-old, a disgraced politician who was accused of physical violence by his wife as well as cheating on her while his dick was splashed across the internet, so I guess she really does have a type. And not for nothing, he had a nice body for a 38-years-old wife beater. In Kathryn's defence she said Joe had told her his ex-wife was some crazy woman with a mugshot, which is exactly the same way T-Rape would've described Kathryn to all the new whores in his life over the years.

Kathryn has come a long way from being the 20-year-old angry pregnant girl and she's grown so much she doesn't need to be sucked back into a toxic relationship with a dirty politician, but for her sake I hope all the rumours are false. Why are politicians always the worst kind of people? Has any politician had a career where they didn't have their nudes leaked, cheat on their life, get arrested or get caught doing it with a transexual hooker? Seriously, are these the only people we can vote for?

Also, everyone is so in awe of Kathryn living a luxurious life from her $6,600 rent each month to her new Rolls Royce which she just had repainted because she didn't like the colour. This girl either got a raise in her Bravo allowance or her new senator boyfriend is showering her with gifts. Who are we kidding? There's no way she's earning enough from this show or Flat Tummy Tea that she can lead such an expensive lifestyle and no amount of savings is getting her a Rolls Royce. Kathryn has a sugar daddy from Florida and even if he does turn out to be a cheating wife beater, let's hope Kathryn founds that out after she's milked him for all the money he's worth.

For some reason Shep wants to adopt a puppy which is the worse idea I've ever heard. Why would he want to do that to a poor puppy? That thing would have a diet of bong water and Doritos while Shep would forget he even existed and find a hard, dead dog in the corner of his room when he realised the smell wasn't the pizza that's been in there for a month. Shep couldn't even look after a plant let alone a dog, so why don't we table the idea of him owning a living creature until next season? Apart from Kathryn's new senator sugar daddy, the only controversy happening right now is Austen's toxic, dysfunctional relationship with Madison. For some reason he wants to marry this girl which I can't quite wrap my head around.

They both cheated on each other, something the producers remind us about every week with that threesome video, and once that trust is gone there's no point even attempting to continue. What are they proving by staying together? They obviously fight all the time and it seems like she hates his guts so the only benefit of this situation would be Madison's thirsty little ass getting all the Instagram followers and media attention she can before Austen has to break up with her for good. They are the new T-Rape and Trashley, except Austen doesn't assault women and Madison is more annoying than crazy. I'm so over this Austen and Madison story I can't even try to get into it and unless she cheated on him with a girl, I never will.

To add insult to their already fucked up relationship, Danni, who's been in the background for the last six seasons, came out with the piping hot tea that Madison had been DMing her boyfriend Gentry on Instagram. Instead of straight up messaging him and risking Austen finding the reciepts on her phone, Madison got her friend to DM Gentry for her, who then showed Danni, who then told the group. Madison's a cunt. How many times are these two going to cheat on each other? If she's DMing men looking for a hookup and doing it through her friend, then why the fuck would Austen want to marry this psycho bitch. Also, if she was going to cheat, couldn't she have messaged someone who isn't linked to someone on the show? She obviously wanted this to come out to give her more airtime and attention, which is why the thirsty trick needs to go the fuck away.

Shep and Craig were enlisted with the responsibility to tell Austen what happened and did so with the most awkward delivery in history. If there are two people who are going to drop a bomb, don't let it be Craig and Shep. They decided Austen shouldn't confront Madison straight away but rather wait until Tuesday to talk to his cheating ex when Shep had to remind the group, the today is Tuesday. Do these people have that little to do with their days that they can just walk around not even knowing what day it is? Because that's a goal right there. To cut a long story short, Austen got drunk, called his girlfriend who admitted it and then hung up the phone acting like he's going to break up with her when we all know they'll be back together in two episodes.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.