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RHOBH Recap: Cunty Gate

Why are the most boring Housewives rewarded with the best trips? The Beverly Hills ladies jetted off on their third exotic vacation of the season (camping obviously not included) where they sip on their cocktails, have civilised conversations and go to bed by 11.45pm while the New York ladies fight, party, get arrested, sleep around and fall under tables like drunken sailors but they're stuck going to Miami for the 80th time. Where's the justice?

If I'm devoted to spending an hour of my week watching rich bitches pretend to be friends on television, I'd rather see them jump in with two feet instead of politely dipping their toe in and then giggling about it for the rest of the episode. First of all, that chateau was probably the most expensive boarding house we've ever seen any Housewives cast sent to and it was wasted by a group of women who didn't abuse the free alcohol or fight over their rooms like 12-year-olds. What's the fun in watching five friends travel to France, be polite to the staff, take leisurely walks around the town and not get blackout drunk? Is this even a Housewives show anymore? Am I watching PBS? Seriously, to be a Real Housewife you have to be a loudmouth bitch with a liver of steel and seeing the ladies failing to embody these significant characteristics was more pathetic than LVP quitting the show halfway through the season.

All the ladies went to bed at 11.50pm on their first night in France after having two drinks each and the next morning we are rudely surprised by Erika and her sunglasses sitting through a terrible hangover while Teddi went for a run. First things first, Erika had two Bloody Mary's and slept for 12 hours so the only things those sunglasses were doing was covering her makeup-less eyes in absence of her glam squad. Erika can say she's a lightweight until she's blue in the face but she hates giving up control and the real reason she stops herself at two drinks is to prevent deep, dark Girardi secrets come flying out.

Secondly, YOU ARE ON A FREE TRIP TEDDI. Why the fuck are you exercising? Sleep in and shut the fuck up because nobody likes seeing anyone strolling around in athleisure at nine in the morning when you're supposed to be recovering from a hard night of drinking. These ladies are a bunch of pussies and we really need to bring in Brandi Glanville, Kris Jenner, Tori Spelling, Taylor Armstrong, Heather Locklear and a few more mutual friends to help raise the level of alcohol consumption on this show.

Apart from Teddi admitting her childhood nickname was butch, Dorit claiming her dad thought she fucked in the backseat of his car at 13-years-old due to semen-like stains from melted white chocolate and Kyle confessing she had an eating disorder, nothing else really happened until the last night of the trip. The girls went to the markets and strolled down a bridge that didn't go anywhere, but I'd rather watch a lamb being castrated in Kim Richards' living room than these pleasant moments of friendship in Europe.

So it took nine years for Kyle to open up about her anorexia? I understand she didn't want to give her daughter's any ideas but this is information we find out about Housewives in their sophomore season, not a decade into the game. Anorexia is such a terrible disease and it's great that Kyle and Amelia Gray can open up about it to help people, instead of staying silent and allowing the stigma to grow. However, on a show that's almost been built on quasi-eating disorders through fake eating on camera and pretending to be full because they don't want anybody to see them chew, I'm surprised Kyle hasn't slipped this into the conversation sooner because it's a subject that is always brought up time and time again. Maybe it's because the Wicked Witch of Villa Rosa wasn't there to throw in a jab or use it against her?

As much as I'm over these women behaving like Sober Susans, I'm over the costumes too. Nobody gives a fuck. Can't they just quietly wear nice, expensive clothes instead of turning every single dinner into a fashion show with ridiculous designer clothes, over the top hair extensions and drag queen makeup? Save it for the reunion. Everybody is trying to compete with Erika Jayne to have their own LEWKS but when the only thing you're bringing us is a wildly expensive outfit that looks like a designer circus clown, it's time to mix it up and throw a drink. Teddi majorly stepped up her glam for her second season, so a good portion of her All In money is definitely being given directly to a stylist. She went from being the insecure, bohemian fitness fanatic with a famous father to someone who bought better makeup and designer clothes while still using her dad to earn a place in the group, even though he's never appeared on the show.

I'm sorry but how do you have a father in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and his girlfriend who's one of the biggest actresses of the 90s and not exploit it on the show to try and be 10% more interesting? If we had a few John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan cameos a season I wouldn't have any complaints about Butch. It's not that I don't enjoy Little Miss Accountability but Teddi isn't fun, wild or even entertaining, she's a straight edge health nut who hired a stylist. She's a great person but Teddi Mellencamp was not born to be a Housewife and she's just holding a space for somebody worthy of holding her diamond. In her first season she played the fish out of water card while almost shitting herself when Erika yelled at her, however, in her second one, even though she knows the rules of the game, she isn't a reason I'm watching this show.

We all know how I feel about Vandercunt, but ever since Butch was the one who spoke up and led the charge against her, she thinks her shit doesn't stink because she's a little school girl who was instrumental in getting the queen bee off the show. The only reason Butch won was because all the girls had been victims of LVC in the past and banded together to make it stop, so it's just uncomfortable to see Butch walking around like she has any kind of authority when she's second last on the totem pole. Contrary to this recap, I don't hate Butch but she's just fucking annoying in the context of this show, especially in her attempts to try and stir some drama up while keeping her role as the accountable fit bit owner. Kyle and Teddi, who obviously planned the attack in their rooms, randomly brought up how it was rude of Lisa Rinna to use her Erika Jayne costume to confront Kim and thought Erika should've been mad about it.

The whole thing felt set up and weird and as much as I understand Kyle had to avenge her sister in some way, Butch brought the topic up with her shit-eating grin while her ponytail was hanging out of Kyle's rectum. In the words of Camille Grammer: Teddi has gotten too big for britches, and it makes me cringe seeing her speak in her deep know it all voice as if she has a level of authority on this show when everyone barely tolerates her. Dorit is always three seconds from yelling at her, Erika and Rinna have a nice social rapport with her for two to three minutes over a dinner which just leaves Kyle who's taken her under her wing because she needs a reality TV BFF she can film Lucy and Ethel scenes with. I don't understand why Butch was poking her T-Rex fingers into where they didn't belong.

Yes, Lisa Rinna probably shouldn't have used the word CUNTY but she was being Erika Jayne, a performance persona. No, Erika doesn't go around calling everyone a cunt whenever she gets mad but it's the essence of her sexy, bratty stage character that Rinna was drawing from. The woman has a CUNTY necklace for fuck sake, how could Rinna not use it in her act? If this is the way Erika Jayne acts, then why would Erika be offended? And if Erika isn't offended then why the fuck do Teddi and Kyle give a fuck? Even in the hypothetical situation of Kyle and Teddi being offended by someone dressing up as them, their point doesn't even make sense. They wouldn't use the word CUNTY but Erika Jayne does, so you can't compare the two situations, and sorry to rain on your parade but nobody wants to dress up as you, Teddi. What would that costume even look like? A low pony, some leggings, a fit bit and a deep voice?

This was seriously one of the dumbest fights ever and it was an obvious attempt of Kyle trying to make a problem between Erika and Rinna to get back at Lisa for attacking her sister, but instead it just ended up with Teddi looking like an absolute fuckwit with Erika getting pissed off about a conversation she didn't care about to begin with. Just when Puppy Gate was finally over these bitches had to go ahead and replace it with Cunty Gate. Enough of these fucking Gates.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies