RHOD Premiere Recap: Pretty Jessica

Words can't describe how happy I am to have the Dallas girls back. Everything in this city feels fresh and fun with just the right amount of drama hanging over from last season to kick start everything, but not too much to make it dark and repetitive. These younger franchises know they have to bring their A-game every season to avoid being canceled and I appreciate everything they continue to give us.

The former besties turned sworn enemies, LeeAnne and D'Andra, both separately decided to dye their hair to a cameral-blonde color as if they were performing in the stage adaptation of Single White Female. Seriously, these two didn't get their hair done on the same day, so one of them would've seen the other post their dye job on social media and still decided to change their look, even if it meant looking like twins once again. LeeAnne looked like a Bond villain with her dark hair and an elementary school teacher who bakes warm chocolate chip cookies and sings to birds in those blonde throwback photos, so this cameral hair is the perfect meeting ground between the two extremes.

It doesn't take a genius to know I can't stand Bravo weddings, but LeeAnne Locken is the heart of this dysfunctional show and without her wedding taking center stage, who knows if they even would've gotten a fourth season? Hearing the cost of this wedding made me want to take a nervous poo, douse my body in gasoline and set myself on fire. I will never understand how someone can literally buy a house or go on a six-month vacation with the money they spend on a fucking wedding. It's a six-hour party. Six hours. Let that sink in. The girl at the wedding store said she'd give LeeAnne a discount for her big day because they've been friends for so long, which is reality TV speak for giving her free shit to promote their business on the show.

When is D'Andra going to find a storyline that doesn't revolve around her mother? Ever since we met D'Andra all she's done is complain about her mom refusing to hand over her to company and now she finally has the keys to the castle and she's still complaining after she found out the company is in worse shape than Mama June. If D'Andra is so sick of being on the hamster wheel that is the toxic relationship with her mother, then she should find a fucking job, get out from underneath her and be an independent woman instead of relying on Mama Dee for everything.

As much as she complains about her situation, D'Andra's definitely got a case of Stockholm Syndrome. She's been under Mama Dee's control for so long she obviously doesn't want to stop their toxic cycle. Seriously, you're 50 years old and you're scared to rock the boat with your mother because she's in charge of your trust find? What the actual fuck. D'Andra admittedly would rather keep playing the manipulative mind games with her mom, if it means she can keep her trust fund, so she's basically gold-digging off her mama.

The only thing D'Andra knows how to do is complain, so if she's not complaining about her failing business, she's complaining about her strained relationship with her mother. How are you supposed to grow as a person if all you do is blame your mother for your problems? One way to fix the clusterfuck that is their relationship would be to remove the financial control from Mama Dee. That would fix everything because Dee would have nothing to manipulate D'Andra with but she said herself she'd rather have access to her trust fund then a healthy relationship with her mother, which is beyond fucked up. If D'Andra wants to keep playing these games so she can get money from her mother, that's her choice, but I don't want to hear her spend the next season bitching, moaning and complaining about something that can so easily be fixed.

In all of this, it's clear Mama Dee doesn't give a dog's rip or a fuck. Seeing Dee Simmons drapped in a fur coat and massive sunglasses while sitting in a cemetery berating her daughter was the most Dynasty thing I've ever seen. I know I said it all last season but can we seriously give D'Andra's star to her mother because, without Mama Dee, this privileged trust fund baby wouldn't have anything worth watching. Dee definitely knew the company was falling to shit before she gave it to D'Andra because if it was successful, there's no way she would've let it wind up in her daughter's grubby hands. Mama Dee didn't want to go down with the ship so she threw the company keys to her daughter and hightailed it out of there to live her best life in fabulous retirement with fur coats, caviar, and housekeepers while her daughter is stuck with a business she's been wanting for years. Well played, Mama Dee, well played.

In other news, Stephanie's husband is going through a mid-life crisis filled with sky diving, working out and manscaping which are all telltale signs of someone having an affair. I really don't see Travis cheating on her beautiful wife, however, I can see the producers playing back this clip in two seasons when she finds out he was fucking her best friend's sister. Also, Travis made $75 million in lockers, which is astounding. Who knew there was so much money in fucking storage? How is this a thing?

Meanwhile, the cameras brought us into Brandi's house with two kids and a baby which isn't cute, funny or endearing, it just made me want to take a Xanax and have a nap until it was over. Brandi's life is birth control and it gives me hives to think about small annoying children running around, however, the producers are definitely trying to made her oldest the Milania Giudice of Dallas, so I have a feeling we have a lot more challenging scenes of visual birth control to sit through this season.

Kameron didn't do anything aside from brag about going on an expensive cruise but I could watch her mannerisms and vocal range all day long. The Nicole Kidman doppelganger is literally a cartoon character with the self-awareness of a sponge but I cannot get enough of her pink obsession, her pronunciation and the subtle need to remind us she's the richest one on the show at all times. Kam is the Dorit of Dallas, without the legal issues.

While Little Miss Sparkle Dog packed for her vacation, we met the new Housewife and I'm already sick of her accent. Bravo replacing Cary with another Kary is one of the shadiest decisions ever and probably the only thing the newbie has going for her. All we know about Kary is that she's Mexican, has an annoying teenage daughter and loves to talk about having sex with her husband. I was intrigued with Kary saying they fucked in a bathroom when they first met, but we don't need her throwing in a bad sex joke at the end of every sentence to remind us her vagina is still active. I also really don't want to imagine the Cabbage Patch doll getting plowed. We discovered she hates LeeAnne for spreading the iconic Roundup rumor, and for storyline purposes, New Kary is trying to avenge a two-season old feud for the woman she replaced. How poetic.

Finally, the episode ended with Stephanie and Brandi bringing LeeAnne and D'Andra together for a Friendtervention. After hating the resident carny since the show's inception, Brandi suddenly decided to move on with LeeAnne at Andy Cohen's baby shower. This is the exact reason why that event should've been televised, who else knows what we missed? It's odd seeing the two enemies get along like nothing happened but I think the redhead finally realized she was on the wrong side of history with D'Andra and that she could never overthrow LeeAnne from her position as the star of the show.

The two newly blonde Housewives sat down to discuss their differences when it was revealed Rich texted D'Andra's husband after the reunion saying he would tell D'Andra about his affair with "Pretty Jessica". I believe every word. Rich texted Jeremy in an off-camera man to man conversation which is way more authentic than D'Andra using cheating rumors to blast her friend on a reality show. Little Miss Trust Fund can say she did it out of care and concern until she's blue in the face but she was using it as a jab to get back at LeeAnne's $200 comment, and as a way to secure her storyline for the season. How can D'Andra be so shocked and hurt about Rich accusing her husband of cheating when did the same thing? Pot, meet kettle.

In what world is talking about someone's finances the same as your husband having an affair? D'Andra was just thirsty for attention last season which was driven by her ego to be the "queen of the show", however, when you're as close as LeeAnne and D'Andra were and you betray someone like that on a reality show for a storyline, there's no coming back. She doesn't even deserve LeeAnne as a friend and is only trying to make up with her because it's their job as reality stars. Even though they both said sorry to each other and agreed to move on, this truce is going to last three episodes until they're screaming in each other's faces again.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.