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RHOD Recap: Roast Beef

D'Andra Simmons has the sense of humor of a rock and the sensitivity of a South American dictator so that fact she wanted to have a roast for her 50th birthday means she's either delusional or was just paying people to say nice things. If D'Andra really wanted a roast, she should've just invited her mother to lunch and called it a day.

Nothing happened in this episode but also everything happened. It was one of those ones. LeeAnne and D'Andra still hate each other but they decided to move forward for the sake of their old friendship. This relationship is like burning Swiss cheese because there are way too many holes in it and it fucking stinks. We all know this truce won't last five episodes but I'm happy to sit by idly and watch their dynamic implode once again. Can we all agree Rich didn't cheat on LeeAnne? At this point, D'Andra needs to own that she lied and if she didn't, then show us the receipts. If you're certain Rich sticks his pirate stick into everything that moves than show us the fucking proof. You already fucking said it so just say why you said it. It's not that hard. I'm over Little Miss Trust Fund pretending like she told LeeAnne he was cheating to be a good friend. Do we need to roll the tapes back?

Well, thankfully Bravo actually did. D'Andra was angry at LeeAnne because she believed she knew Rich was cheating but wouldn't tell her and then she brought it up in her CONFESSIONALS as a jab. D'Andra never actually said it to her "friends" face, so if she was so concerned she should've pulled her to the side and dealt with it instead of maliciously speculating about it on a reality show for the world to see. D'Andra is more fake and phony than her new cameral hair and she's so devoted to being a reality star that she will do anything to stay on the show to keep it up, which means even apologizing to LeeAnne to keep attending OK! Magazine parties and selling Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram.

A Housewives apology is like watching a kindergartener learn how to read a sentence, they just put shit together and see what sticks. Once D'Andra murmured out a few words that sounded like "I'm sorry," she was trying to shove that apology down LeeAnne's throat to make her accept it. There's truly nothing more aggressive than a Real Housewife forcing their friends to accept their apology they don't mean. The problem with this apology is that she said sorry but she doesn't mean it. They're just words for D'Andra to help her keep her job. LeeAnne shouldn't have to accept that D'Andra has changed and actually feels bad for what she did until she proves it with her actions. Ugh. The only thing this woman brings to the table is Mama Dee and even she can't be bothered dealing with her daughter.

I'm still not feeling Kary. At all. I don't like my Housewives with accents because I don't want to be reading subtitles unless they're about Mark getting his dick sucked at the Roundup. If I wanted to read I'd open a book, not turn on the Housewives. I don't care about this woman and her scenes drain me more than an infected swimming pool. I do not care. I don't care for all the staged sex jokes about multiple orgasms, I don't care about her hearing the specials until she's done with her appetizers, I don't care about her daughter finding roommates over an app and I definitely don't care about her marriage. I don't give a quarter of a fuck about anything that comes out of this womans mouth. The only thing I mildly give a shit about is her mansion in Mexico and only because I like seeing my Housewives in the sun and that's the perfect excuse for it.

I'm also done with seeing weird work out techniques on these shows. If I wanted to see a bunch of women harnessed into electrical suits to try and lose weight, I'd go to the fucking gym. In my heart, I think Kary is trying to be funny but it's just not translating. While I pretended that Kary wasn't actually a Housewife on this show, LeeAnne had dinner with Rich and they'e such a nice couple together. Hearing that LeeAnne cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had but chose not to fuck around on Rich and his eyepatch was romantic? I think. In a season where everyone is so distraught over cheating allegations, it was weird to see LeeAnne actually own her cheating ways. The only thing more romantic than hearing that, was LeeAnne knowing he was the one after only giving him head on the first date. That's true love y'all. Because who the fuck wants to suck someone's dick on a full stomach if you don't love them. Or want jewelry out of it.

Brandi and LeeAnne are friends this season which is wild. I enjoy seeing them together but it's fucking weird considering they hated each other two months earlier. And can they stop saying they made up at "their friends" baby shower when we all know it was Andy's? They've broken the fourth wall so many times that there's no reason to keep building it back up. After watching these two have dinner together, you'd never think that a year ago they were calling each other alcoholics and stealing each other's phones. That's call progress people.

Brandi is also dealing with her daughter who she thinks hates her. Brooklyn doesn't hate Brandi she's just an eight-year-old. She doesn't mean half the things she says and probably doesn't even know what they mean, she's just being sassy for the cameras but doesn't realize it's hurting her mother's feelings. End of the fucking story. Brandi should really just yell at her back or ignore the annoying things she keeps saying.

We ended the episode with D'Andra's roast where nobody in the room actually roasted her. All her weird Dallas society friends (and employees) just sucked her asshole and told her how much they love her. Does that sound like a roast to you? Mama Dee says more cruel things to her daughter on a daily basis than 30 people on a microphone did at a party designed to make fun of her. Also, why the FUCK was John Blizzard in attendance? In case I need to refresh your memory, Blizzard is one of LVP's gay minions who texted Teddi about the Dorit dog drama. I didn't enjoy seeing him in Beverly Hills and I definitely didn't enjoy the quick glimpse of the thirsty Vanderpump Dogs employee in Dallas. Which producer is he fucking to get an invite to this thing?

Nothing happened at the roast. Nothing. Kary invited all the girls on her Mexico trip which they all knew about months in advance. Seriously, are we supposed to believe they are all okay with leaving their families to go on a vacation at a week's notice? Um. No. Bravo can at least do a little work to make these invites seem half believable. Jeremy groped D'Andra's butt when they were walking into the party and was literally fingering her from behind over her dress which was something I never needed to see. In the wise words of Valerie Cherish: I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT.

All the roasts sucked, sorry Stephanie and Brandi, and Jeremy gave his wife 50 donuts of her 50th birthday present. What the actual fuck? I understand they have to beg Mama Dee for money but I'm sure he could've found a cute little cubic zirconia for the amount of money he paid for those donuts. Mama Dee (of course) paid for the party and it's so weird seeing a 50-year-old woman thank her mother for throwing her a party and tiptoeing around her for money. But I guess it's a Dallas thing?

The episode ended with everyone thinking LeeAnne was going to grab the microphone and roast her former friend, like no one else did, but instead she gave her two shitty candles named Hope and Forgiveness, that sound like two girls Jax Taylor would've had a threesome with while Brittany was working the late shift at SUR. I don't have any hope that either of these women will actually forgive each other but it's all about showing the world you tried to make an effort before you spend the next three months bashing each other.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.

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