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RHOD Recap: Tragedy Train

D'Andra Simmons canceling a business meeting at 1.30 am on the morning of due to a hair emergency is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. Do you need any more proof why Little Miss Trust Fund sucks? Travis took time out of his busy schedule to sit down with his wife's TV friend and talk about her shitty business but D'Andra didn't even care enough to show up. Do you really think Travis wants to spend his day with cameras in his office having a pointless conversation with a spoilt brat? Fuck. No. He has a million more important things to do and this bullshit meeting with D'Andra was only a favor to Stephanie.

D'Andra blamed her hair for the reason she couldn't attend the meeting, which is typical D'Andruff because nothing is ever her fault. It's her mother's fault she has no money, it's LeeAnne's fault that she accused Rich of cheating and now I guess it's her hairdresser's fault for making her tardy to the party. If the hairdresser accidentally dyes your hair red, wear a fucking hat. Print your business logo onto a sports cap and wear it to the meeting like every other Housewife with a sense of marketing. If she wants to improve her business, wearing her company's merch on a reality show is much more effective than a dumb meeting with her friend's husband. She clearly didn't think the meeting was that serious if she blew it off at the last minute and thought a text at 1.30 am would suffice.

There was no reason for this meeting to happen in the first place. What is Travis going to do? Teach D'Andra how to run a business in 30 minutes? Even with his help, nothing will improve D'Andra's company because that thing is sinking faster than the fucking Titantic. Well, actually that took ages to finally go down, however, D'Andra is stuck in Economy with the other poor people and there's no way she's getting out of this alive. The company is doomed and Mama Dee doesn't give a quarter of a fuck about the pile of flaming shit she handed to her daughter.

The only thing worse than D'Andra missing her meeting because she looked like Annie, is the fact that Stephanie has a life coach. All these made-up job titles need to fucking stop. Call her your therapist, your psychologist or even your shrink, I don't give a fuck, but let's stop pretending life coaches do anything besides sit there in silence with a passive-aggressive stare, counting down the minutes until they can rob you blind. Stephanie was depressed after fans reached out to her with their own suicidal stories which caused her to get overwhelmed and go on antidepressants. I really don't care about seeing Stephanie make her mental health her storyline for the second year in a row, but I am glad the Bambi of Dallas is opening up and showing us a deeper level, underneath her Jesus Juice obsession and high pitched voice.

LeeAnne hustling to get a discount on her wedding dress was the most awkward thing I've ever seen. I put no blame on LeeAnne because we stan a frugal queen, however, the sales assistant had no soul in her eyes and didn't understand their subtle hints about getting the dress for free. Either this bitch doesn't barter, or she just doesn't understand when somebody wants a dress for free. In the end, LeeAnne managed to talk her down from $10,000 to $0 and that is the ultimate finesse. The resident carny's wedding is shaping up to be fucked expensive, however, she'll probably end up paying nothing for it because all the vendors can have their businesses advertised on an international television show. If I ever get married it's going to be on TV because even if the marriage implodes within three months, I'll get a storyline and a highly discounted wedding out of it. Where's the lie?

D'Andra's husband Jeremy is still disgusting to me. He's loving the limelight just as much as his thirsty wife and all his sexual behavior towards her makes me want to throw up in a bucket and send it to their Highland Park home. Last week he was fiddling with her taint and aggressively poking around her vaginal walls and this week he was joking about smelling her underwear. Ew. First of all, those panties probably smell of dried sweat and disappointment, and second, his little jokes aren't cute or enduring, they're just pervy and gross. Get a fucking job Jeremy and stop trying to convince the world you have a wild sex life.

Any couple who always have an intense sexual banter on reality TV, definitely sleep in separate beds and have sex every six months. Between the sexual innuendos Jeremy managed to sneak into every scene, D'Andra also berated him for doing laundry. Why the fuck wouldn't her deadbeat husband be doing the washing? He walks around his wife's home in longjohns and a sense of entitlement, waiting for her to come home with KFC for dinner to feed his unemployed ass. His only redeeming quality is that he did the laundry, even if it was only for reality TV purposes.

All the ladies headed to Mexico for the first cast trip of the season to stay at Kary's home south of the border. I would have an orgy with her entire husband's family if I meant I could stay in that blue monstrosity. The house is literally outdoors which would be beautiful during the hot Mexican nights and the interior of the home is stunning, however, the outside is an eyesore. It looks like The Church of Scientology headquarters exploded onto a mountain and whoever chose to paint the spiraling Mexican mansion is either colorblind or just has a weird obsession with the Smurfs.

While the house is beautiful, the two-hour drive there would make me want to run into ongoing traffic. On the way, the ladies stopped to go to the bathroom and the only thing available was a dirty, Mexican gas station on the side of the road and it looked like Oscar the Grouch and Thomas Ravenel had a love child. It was fucking foul. Somehow all the women managed to pee in that cesspit of a toilet, but I would rather squat and hope for the best on the side of the road then sit my ass on that diseased toilet seat. Kameron was the one who needed to pee the most but the Elle Woods wannabe and a dirty gas station toilet are like oil and water or D’Andra and independence. It just doesn't mix.

New Kary decided to make everyone share rooms, which is the most stupid idea I've ever heard, next to Brandi getting blind drunk at the dinner table to prove to LeeAnne that she wasn't an alcoholic. This woman has seven bedrooms but only wanted to take up three to make everyone share, and through the luck of the draw, Kary picked LeeAnne's name out of the trucker hat. Naturally, LeeAnne lost it and complained around the entire tour of the mansion until she got her own room.

Was LeeAnne a little rude? Absolutely? But who the fuck wants to sleep in the same bed as a grown woman you barely know when there are four other bedrooms to choose from? I know I failed maths in high school, but this shit doesn't add up. If you're 22 and on a girls trip with your best friends, of course you'd want to share a room, but not when you're 52. Can you imagine changing into your pajamas and tossing and turning all night next to a stranger? That's just violating and the only logical explanation for New Kary wanting to share a bed with LeeAnne would be if she wanted to have a fun lesbian fling on vacay.

LeeAnne is completely justified when it comes to not wanting to room with Kary, I fucking get it, but that didn't stop the Mouth of the South flapping her gums south of the border. LeeAnne complained about the heat, the car ride, walking across a creepy bridge, sharing a room and the dangerous stairs. I am president of The LeeAnne "They're Just Hands" Locken Fan Cub, however, even I have the self-awareness to know she was being an asshole. I don't know if it was the heat, the traveling or if her panty liner was just exhausted but clearly, there was something going on with LeeAnne, other than her childhood, for her to keep complaining until the cows came home. Speaking of, where's D'Andra?

This entire situation just proves it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I agree with every one of LeeAnne's complaints, especially about those stairs because you could have one margarita too many and end up with your head cracked open like a coconut. Seriously, I know they're in Mexico but I really don't think those 15 sets of spiraling concrete stairs are up to code. Although I agree with LeeAnne she could've thought of a more gracious way to voice her concerns.

However, as soon as New Kary confronted LeeAnne over her "negative" comments it was game fucking over. You don't fuck with LeeAnne on a good day, let alone in 100-degree heat. For the rest of the night, the group's carny was combative and didn't entertain anything the newbie was trying to talk to her about. Over dinner, we discovered D'Andra once dated Kary's husband's brother, but he definitely drove around in a broken-down station wagon and lived off ramen noodles at the time, because if he had shown D’Andra one ounce of wealth, Jeremy wouldn’t have a pot to piss in. Kary also promoted her two dollar store jewelry and Brandi just left the dinner without saying anything to take a shit and fall asleep. Same girl, same.

The ladies also had a round table discussion about prenups which quickly lead to children. If LeeAnne decided not to have children, that's her business but it is normal dinner table discussion to ask why, so it is fair game. However, instead of having a normal conversation, LeeAnne and her bad mood decided to talk about being molested for eight years and trying to kill herself three times to make everyone uncomfortable and shut the conversation. LeeAnne's confrontational suicide talk killed the mood faster than Ted Bundy can kill a slutty college girl, but like usual, Miss Locken is doing the lord's work by driving the show's narrative and I couldn't be more proud.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.