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RHOC Recap: Life's A Bowl

Emily performing a sexy dance on her anniversary for her in-laws and TV friends is one of the most tragic things I've ever seen and just showcases how much of an asshole Shane Simpson really is. However, I'm glad the lawyer by day turned party planner by night managed to turn lemons into lemonade and not let her gerbil fuck of a husband ruin her fun. Emily scored an amazing Vegas penthouse suite which looked like Liberace had an orgy with Roman soldiers and honestly, if you're in Vegas, you definitely want a hotel room that looks like an extravagant gay pianist threw up everywhere.

Emily invited Braunwyn and Kelly on the trip because she really isn't friends with any of the OC blondes. Yes, it was 100% a bad look for Gina to go to Vegas after getting a DUI and skipping court. Logistically, Gina wouldn't have even been able to go interstate without a license or passport which makes me question how the fuck the ladies managed to smuggle her into Arizona. As insensitive as Emily was being to Gina's dumpster fire of a life, the Long Island import bitching about their issues to women who already hate Emily is not the answer.

Gina is Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls, ditching the goth girl for The Plastics and as cunty as that is, I totally understand the hustle. Also, why the fuck did Emily invite her in-laws to watch her in a Burlesque show? Budget Mama Elsa is willing to be anywhere that will get her in front of a Bravo camera, even if it means watching her daughter-in-law run around with a stage full of naked women.

In Vegas, Emily fucked up her sexy dance on stage but she was way more Sexxy (get it?) in the rehearsals. It took me this long to realize but Emily Simpson is so fucking sexy and it's too bad her curves and sex appeal are being wasted on a gay Mormon. Braunwyn and her traveling chalkboard did manage to make the small girls' trip fun and she reminds me of Teddi Mellencamp on Adderall but with the ability to actually consume alcohol and have fun. Teddi wishes she was Braunwyn, if Vicki dubbed the OC newbie Boring-wyn, she's obviously never hung out with the accountability coach. A Housewife drinking, cartwheeling and asking the butler to take sexy photos of her stretched out on a piano, is exactly what we need.

The day after her sexy dance, the rodent that is Shane Simpson strolled into Vegas with baggy jeans and flowers in hand. I have four words for the dwarf: too little, too late. Why should everyone be happy Shane decided to show up when he should've been there, to begin with? It was an anniversary trip, so Shane showing up isn't a nice gesture, it's a requirement. The Little Bitch definitely only decided to come because he heard about their crazy suite and I'm confused about who was looking after their children? Shane still sucks and he doesn't even have enough respect for his wife to let her speak, he always shuts down any chance of a conversation which could inspire growth. Emily calls it sarcasm and I call it being a cunt, the first rule of sarcasm is that you have to be funny. I'm telling you, Emily is going to kill the little rodent in a fit of rage one day and end up on Snapped. Mark my words.

Back in Orange County, Gina had a meeting with her new lawyer who had to explain the legal system to her like someone explaining the alphabet to a preschooler, or personal space to Thomas Ravenel. Has she never seen Law & Order? Gina is still a hot mess express and I'm happily sitting in premium economy enjoying the ride. Her plea deal includes her license being taken away for a year, which sounds more harsh than the weather conditions in Miami during a tropical storm. I guess most of Matt's child support is going towards a year's worth of Ubers. As much as Gina is in a bad place right now she hasn't turned to drugs, taken up smoking or started sleeping around the OC, so that's a relief? I guess? I'm just pissed we still haven't seen her mugshot.

Side note: I’m obsessed with Tamra's mother. Sandy is a fun time, she’s always down for a drink, she’ll say it straight to your face and has many stories to tell. Sandy is a good time and could definitely whoop it up harder than Vicki any day of the week. You can tell that the great grandmother has 100% jumped naked into a hot tub or two in her time which makes me respect her so much more. Where else do you think Tamra gets it?

Kelly decided to start pushing a new product because her divorce lump sum is running out and she can't rely on her Bravo paycheck forever. The resident cunt caller of the OC's new hustle is selling sparkling water. It's not the greatest idea ever, but she's only an investor and she's got to pay off her $30K American Express bill every month. Seriously, how the fuck can anyone spend that much money on a fucking credit card bill every month and still manage to go traveling around Europe every other week on Instagram? I don't understand. That's like skinny dipping in a snow jacket. It just doesn't make sense.

To end the episode, all the ladies headed to Arizona for their wellness retreat and, of course, it gave the women anything but wellness. A wellness retreat sounds like the most boring vacation idea in the entire world and I’d rather watch paint dry while being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Kelly started the trip ready to be the class clown the teachers always send home from school camp early. The alleged train conductor obviously didn't want to be there and had anxiety over spending an extended amount of time with a woman who accused her of drug use and being plowed by an eight-man sex train, so of course, she was acting out and trying to bring some light-hearted fun to the boring yoga retreat by talking about dongs. Would it even be an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County if Kelly wasn't making sex jokes while everyone else was being serious?

The ladies went into a yurt to cleanse their auras which makes me want to fist myself with a blunt spoon. A yurt sounds like a millennial nickname for yogurt and anyone obsessed with their aura needs a mallet to the head. In the yurt, all the women threw flowers into a bowl to declare what they want out of life and while some of the ladies wanted to get rid of their anger (yeah right), Kelly just used her time to promote her business. Same though Kelly, same. Did she get this business advice from Bethenny Frankel? Kelly obviously wasn't taking anything seriously and took away from everyone else's speeches, however, as much as she was a nuisance to the group, we wouldn't have anything to watch if Kelly Dodd didn't act like an eight-year-old.

Shannon then decided to have her aura cleansed while standing in a bowl and wearing another one on her head, while the weird yogis lightly tapped them. The word aura makes my brain feel like it’s in a coma and this procedure literally looked like an exorcism. If anyone on this show needs an exorcism it would be Tamra's aggressive son Ryan, everybody's least favorite rodent Shane or Vicki Gunvalson, but definitely not Shannon. While the quasi-exorcism was being performed, Kelly had the bright idea to smack Shannon's bowl with a mallet.

Naturally, Shannon got a bump on her head and blurry vision which caused her and Tamra to go to the hospital. It really wouldn't be an OC vacation if someone didn't end up in the ER. Shannon was acting as if Kelly pulled chunks out of her hair and gouged her eyes out, however, after hearing Tamra's horror stories of her ex-husband's spinal cord leakage she was completely justified.

This fight was fucking hilarious. Kelly hit Shannon in the head with a mallet and sent her to hospital, it's pure comedy and both women deserve an Emmy for their work. However, in reality, you really can't fuck around with a head injury, even if it was caused by her friend trying to be funny. Telling Shannon about spinal cord leakage after being hit in the head would be like telling Jax Taylor that women are not just pieces of meat. Pure horror.

In the end, Kelly laughed off the issue which definitely won't go down well with the Tres Amigas and their hot mess of an intern and I can already see Shannon bringing out her medical records in a manila folder at the reunion to prove Kelly actually harmed her. The nurse asking Shannon if she wanted to press charges against her costar for banging her in the head with a mallet was wild, however, nothing was crazier than the idea of Shannon Beador calling the OG of the OC on the way to the hospital. If you’re in pain, why the fuck would you ever call Vicki Gunvalson?

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!