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Shade of the Week: Teddi Mellencamp

Whose idea was it to put this woman on reality TV?

Today Us Weekly broke the news that Teddi Mellencamp is expecting her third child. Yawn. Pregnant Real Housewives are the worst because they can't drink, go on cast trips or perform to the best of their abilities, and they're even worse when they were boring before they were even carrying another human being inside them. We need our Housewives drinking in excess and showcasing all their mental instabilities, not on bed rest.

For some reason, Bravo has a weird obsession with casting thirty-something women with a brood of annoying young kids and nobody wants to see that. People with children want to escape from their kids and people without children definitely don't want to unwind with a glass of wine by watching snot-nosed brats cry whenever their parents have to leave the house. In the wise words of Valerie Cherish: I don't need to see that! It would be one thing if Teddi was like Monique Samuels in Potomac and came to play before she got knocked up, but Teddi was dull to begin with, so a pregnant Teddi will be like watching beige paint dry while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. Riveting.

This is coming from someone who actually likes Teddi. I think she's probably one of the most genuinely good human beings on Bravo and I'm happy she's expanding her family, but that doesn't mean she should be doing it on reality TV. I'm thrilled she helped in the takedown of Lisa Vanderpump because she was a vital part in exposing the manipulative wench that woman is, however, aside from her involvement in Puppy Gate, I can't think of one thing Teddi did last season.

Boring people and reality TV are like Vicki Gunvalson and telling the truth, they just don't mix. Why was she even cast in the first place? What casting producer found Teddi and thought "wow she'd be a great Housewife." Seriously, who was it because I hope they think about their mistake every single day. The only reason Teddi would've even been a suggestion to join the show is because of nepotism, what else was she bringing to the table with that casting reel?

It would be one thing if the nepotism actually worked for the show but we don't even get to see John Mellencamp or Meg Ryan. This woman has had two full seasons on the show with legendary resources at her fingertips and she won't use them. Her dad could be a garbage man in Detroit for all we care because we've never seen the guy and it doesn't change what she brings to the show. Honestly, I don't understand how you can have celebrities for parents (or step partners) and not exploit it on your reality show. Teddi is social climbing off her father in the worst way possible because she's dangling who her father is in front of us but then doing nothing with the information.

There's just not a lot to Teddi as a character. She's way too stable, has a nice husband, who's not an asshole, a beautiful million dollar home, she texts for a living, works out excessively and drinks green shit like it's going out of style. Where's the intrigue? It would be one thing if her husband was a scumbag, if her house was in disrepair or if she walked around with bad wigs because then we could find something to love to hate about her, but her life is way too perfect which just leaves boring as the only adjective to describe her. Butch is way too mellow and even-keeled to be a Housewife and she's just holding a place that could go to someone way more deserving like Brandi Glanville, Tori Spelling, Nicollette Sheridan or someone who doesn't speak in a dull monotone voice while keeping themselves accountable for eating an almond on the wrong day.

Even this article is tough to write because she's so boring there's not even enough to shade. I really do like Teddi, I just don't like Teddi as a Housewife and selfishly, the thought of seeing her pregnant and raising a baby while her other two kids run amuck in the background is the last thing I ever want to see. Last season, seeing her kids cry whenever she left the room made me want to spend an evening working for Ramona Singer while on vacation, because even that sounds more enjoyable than being a parent to walking birth control. This isn't Teddi's fault, it's Bravo's fault because they never should've exposed us to her in the first place. It's time the network stops giving us thirty-somethings with a house full of kids and starts casting in the right age group.

The perfect Housewife is someone 45 and over, with grown kids that can choose whether or not they want to be on TV, at least a divorce or two behind them and enough pain in their life which causes them to get drunk and lash out at their costars. That's what we want and that is what we need.

Dorinda Medley, Sonja Morgan, Lisa Rinna, Luann de Lesseps, NeNe Leakes, Margaret Josephs, Tamra Judge, Vicki Gunvalson, Karen Huger, LeeAnne Locken, Ramona Singer. What do they all have in common? They're over 50 and have already lived full lives, so they have enough wisdom and life experience to know who they are and deliver that to us with hilarious one-liners, messy antics and drunk moments. When was the last time one of these new Housewives did something you remember in three years time?

New York is universally the best city in the entire franchise and do you know why? Because all the women have children that are outside of the house and they are living their own life as divorcees drinking their way around the city. As a semi-logical person, it doesn't make sense to me that if Bravo knows New York is the crown jewel of the franchise, why wouldn't they try to replicate that format across all the cities instead of giving us Teddi adjacent characters like Gina, Emily and those new girls from Jersey. I don't understand and I never will. Be better, Bravo.

It may sound like I'm bashing Teddi, and well I am, but she doesn't need to be on reality television. Period. End of story. Congratulations on the baby and I hope she has a safe pregnancy but it is not something we need to see.