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Shade of the Week: D'Andra Simmons

Dallas' most annoying trust fund baby is the fucking worst.

I'm honestly shocked to think about how I view D'Andra Simmons nowadays, considering, I crowned her as the Best New Housewife of 2017 across all cities, however, her behavior and thirst for fame over the last two seasons has become so painful to watch. When D'Andra first burst onto the scene in season two she had so much to offer us. An entertaining mother, a beautiful home, a hot husband and a real friendship with LeeAnne Locken, all wrapped up in her zero fucks personality. However, after the trust fund baby turned Housewife got an inkling of fame, her true colors came out.

The only reason D'Andra is feuding with LeeAnne is because she wants to take her spot as the star of the show. D’Andra got a taste of attending OK! Magazine parties and selling Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram and she decided she was going to stay in the spotlight as long as necessary, even if it meant taking down her best friend on international television. To some degree, I can respect her hustle to do whatever it takes to hold onto the small piece of fame she has, but on the other hand, she’s also just a huge asshole who let a Bravo reality show ruin her 10-year friendship.

As soon as D’Andruff heard LeeAnne had said she only had $200 in her bank account, Mama Dee’s daughter had an orgasm because she knew she had a slightly believable reason to wage a war against her friend. I am so sick of hearing about Rich cheating. It’s boring, it’s uninteresting and clearly not true but the entire situation has nothing to do with Rich’s pirate stick and everything to do with D’Andra bringing up this dirt for attention.

This woman claims she told LeeAnne out of compassion which is total bullshit. She used it as a dig in her confessionals and continues to stand behind the allegation even though she has no fucking proof. If you’re going to hide behind your evidence, then either show it to us or be ready to be called a liar. It’s that fucking simple. Pull out the screenshots or bring Rich’s alleged affair on the show. Do something to prove to the world that you’re more than a fame-hungry back stabber.

Everything about D’Andra’s life is so annoying to watch. All she’s done since her debut season is complain that her mother wouldn’t hand over her own company. Why does Little Miss Trust Fund feel so entitled to having her mother’s company anyway? Instead of spending years bitching and moaning over her mother refusing to hand over the keys, she should’ve found another job, made her own money and shut the fuck up. What 50-year-old woman has to thank their “mommy” for throwing them a birthday party? That’s just sad and if I was ever seen kissing my mother’s ass for money, at 50 years of age on international reality television, I’d mix some Xanax with white wine and take a long nap to forget the shame of letting the world know I’m financially dependant on my mother.

After years of complaining about not having the company, as soon as this woman finally has the keys in her hands what does she do? Complain. Surely, she had some inkling the company was going downhill before her mother gave it to her, so her blaming Mama Dee for handing her a flaming pile of shit, is just another excuse for her not to take ownership of her actions. How can D’Andra be halfway to 100 and still blame all the trouble in her life on her mother? I will never understand this.

The only thing sadder than D’Andra sucking her mother’s feet for any money she can get her hands on, is the fact that her mother is more of a star that she’ll ever be. Can you imagine becoming a Real Housewife and your mother just has to come in, say three words and immediately take the spotlight from you? Mama Dee is the Queen of Dallas and she’s not even holding a star. How tragic. The things keeping D’Andra on the show is her beef with LeeAnne and her mother. If Mama Dee refused to sign a release, do you really think D’Andra would be here three years later? Fuck no.

Every D’Andra and Mama Dee scene is literally like watching a prostitute grovel to their pimp for the smallest amount of money or attention, and if I wanted to watch that, I’d tune into The Deuce. Mama Dee is definitely living off D’Andra’s trust and when she passes, her daughter will be left penniless, which I’m not even mad about. If D'Andruff earned her own living then she wouldn’t have to compete in this toxic mother/daughter relationship just to access her trust fund. This is literally a twisted Gilmore Girls spinoff, built off guilt, money and way too much Botox.

Aside from her beef with LeeAnne and the twisted Gilmore Girls dynamic that is her relationship with her mother, the only thing left to shade D’Andra over, is her husband. Jeremy went from being a rugged hunk to being a sad gold digger who wakes up at noon, watches daytime TV in a sloppy sweatshirt and waits for his wife to come home with KFC for dinner. There is nothing more unattractive than a man that doesn’t work and yes, photography may be his passion, but if they have no money to pay the bills then Jeremy needs to get the fuck off his ass and start contributing to keeping their fraudulent lifestyle afloat. I’ve never heard anyone complain about money as much as D’Andra does. We get it. You’re broke, but funding a lazy, layabout husband is not fixing the issue.

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Jeremy giving his wife a box of donuts as a 50th birthday present was truly one of the most tragic things I’ve ever seen and that includes car accidents, the Madeleine McCann documentary and any Housewives’ first season appearance. Surely he could find a cute little cubic zirconia for the amount of money he paid for that travesty of a gift. It would be one thing if he wrapped it up nicely, but the donuts literally came in a cardboard Amazon box. I understand this man has $30 in his bank account, but one Flat Tummy Tea ad could help him afford something better than a box of stale baked goods. Also, I never ever needed to see Jeremy shove his fingers all the way into D'Andra's taint at her own birthday party. I'm 80% sure I could've successfully gone through life without seeing this man mildy sexually assault his wife.

I can’t stand D’Andra. All her scenes are way too contrived, she complains about money like a bitchy midwestern mother complains to the store manager, her husband sucks more than she does and her only redeeming factor is her own mother, who is probably the one person who can’t stand D’Andra more than me.