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RHONJ Recap: Teresa & Joe Giudice Unlocked

Apologies for being MIA this weekend. I know I've been pretty absent in the last month due to my birthday and those celebrations, but I used the entire weekend to recover from the disgusting brawl that took place at my Halloween house party, which some of you guys have seen via my Instagram stories. I don't want to harp on the event too much as this is a safe space to snark on reality stars, however, there will be an article coming in the next few days addressing some questions you have and giving me the opportunity just to vent about the trauma of that night.

Strangely enough, I decided to recover from my tragic Friday night by diving into the only thing more tragic: Teresa and Joe Giudice's marriage. I don't care what anybody says, reality television is an escape which allows you to take an hour out of your life and get wrapped up in the problems of other dysfunctional people. Before the special even aired I think it was clear to everyone that this relationship is over. Teresa is happy with her new independent lifestyle and Joe is in Italy, so the only answer is divorce. This entire special was just bizarre, I'm sick of the dangly Chanel earrings every Housewife with a stylist wears and Juicy Joe needs to learn how to look at the camera. Is it really that hard? From the moment the episode started, you could feel the disconnection between these two "married" people and their weird squabbles made me feel like I was watching my parents fight. The whole thing was awkward, uncomfortable and just felt forced.

How did Bravo manage to produce a tell-all special about two morons who can't even complete a sentence? Teresa and Joe both aren't good talkers and I don't want to wait three to five minutes to hear them answer a question. Tre was obviously just trying to remember buzz words her glam squad gave her before she came out and Joe looked more disinterested in talking to Andy than Stephen Hawkins speaking to Kim Kardashian about butt plugs. My main take away from this interview was these two will be divorced within a month and that the ICE facility is a fate worse than hell. I've seen Orange Is The New Black and if their ICE storyline even comes close to depicting the real thing, then that place needs to be shut down.

For some reason, both Teresa and Joe didn't feel comfortable asking Trump to save him from deportation because they didn't want the president to get any negative publicity? Are you fucking kidding? Is this a joke? So Joe will likely never be able to return to the United States and they didn't even try to make a call to the White House out of fear how Trump would be affected? Not to get too political but Joe is an example of the harsh immigration laws and if anything, Trump's laws are making things worse for him and his three front teeth. From the recent photos that emerged of Joe's skinny new figure, I thought he was a changed positive man, but Juicy Joe is still the boring, emotionless, angry asshole he's always been. He also confessed he schemed with a fellow inmate to start their own "sports picking" company which translates to "gambler." Can't he become a painter or something in Italy and leave all these dodgy career choices behind, because we know finance isn't Joe's thing.

I felt dumber as the minutes went on watching these two speak because they don't even have the words to enunciate what they're trying to say, it's like watching a toddler put a sentence together. These two are pushing 50 and have been in America for their entire lives, so let's not blame their Italian background as the reason for their third-grade education. They should've brought Gia out to help translate what her parents were trying to say seeing as both she and Joe graduated high school in the last year. For most of the interview, Andy went over things we already know and tried to push these morons to answer questions they didn't answer. Obviously, we already know Tre resents Joe for losing time with her mother and if he is officially deported they'll get a divorce. Period. End of story.

Teresa is far from my favorite Housewife, mainly because she doesn't know the definition of a verb, however, I'm not angry that she has a new boy toy. Joe and Teresa were apart of a traditional Italian marriage where the husband can cheat and they'll never get a divorce, so when Teresa told Andy she knows Joe wasn't faithful, she's not lying. That slippery fucktard was probably banging other Jersey broads before he even popped the question and never stopped. They're reality TV's answer to Tony and Carmela Soprano. During a reunion, Jacqueline exposed all the stories Teresa had told her about Joe's infidelities and they were too detailed to make up. Joe has cheated on Teresa more times than cocaine has gone up Charlie Sheen's nose and if she didn't learn how to become a strong, independent woman she'd still be stuck in that shit hole of a marriage.

Teresa doesn't want to move to Italy and have her old life with Joe back, she's seen the light and is finally happy with the fun life she's been living. They obviously both cheated on each other while the other was in prison and all those receipts prove it. Does Teresa really think we're that stupid to believe she didn't fuck that guy all over Miami? Come on. I guess "walking someone to their car" is Jersey for blowjob. Seeing this "married" couple fight on television and accuse each other of cheating was more uncomfortable than a pair of Spanx, and things only got weirder when Joe started giving her dating advice. Yep, that actually happened. Has anyone ever given their wife dating tips while they were still married? Joe thinks she should find a nice rich guy to take care of her, which was the final nail in the coffin that is their marriage. These two are over. Joe is going to be deported and Tre will find another man who she can be happy with.

In the eleventh hour of the interview, Andy decided to break out an old chestnut and bring up Caroline Manzo's prediction. Way back when, Queen Caroline predicted Joe would go to prison and that Teresa would divorce him, write a book and show her girls how to be strong and independent. Where is the lie? Almost everything in that prediction has happened word for word. The only thing left is the divorce and this marriage is holding on like Mufasa during the stampede scene in The Lion King. Instead of actually discussing about the prediction, Teresa just talked shit about Caroline and accused her of calling the feds? Really Teresa, really? Is Siggy Flicker responsible for your small forehead? Is Jacqueline Laurita to blame for climate change? Sit down and take several seats, Tre.

Caroline is my all-time favorite Jersey Housewife because she is a logical, voice of reason who can put Teresa in her place and always held her ground. Can we just bring her back to the show and give her whatever they hold in Jersey because aside from Jill Zarin, she's the only OG whose presence is truly missed from a Housewives franchise. In the end, Teresa and Joe expressed (some) kind of hope for their future when they come face to face in Italy for the first time in four years but we all know this relationship is more dead than Danielle Staub's soul. The whole special was sad and although it was obviously must-watch TV, I'm sick of the New Jersey franchise continuing to focus solely on Teresa's situation and her husband's legal problems are no longer an enjoyable storyline. Can anyone else find a fuck to give?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey premieres November 6th at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.