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RHOD Recap: Toxic Gilmore Girls

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't put my deceased pets in the freezer? In the last Housewives year, Tinsley Mortimer and Sonja Morgan both admitted to storing their dead dogs' bodies in the freezer after they passed away and in this week's Dallas episode, Brandi revealed she was storing her dead bunny in her freezer for six months. Six fucking months. In the Real Housewives Handbook is there a chapter on throwing your dead pet next to the frozen peas as soon as it dies?

Six months is a long time to keep a dead bunny in your freezer and it surely can't be safe to eat something out of the same freezer that also stores a dead animal. I may be wrong, but dead animals and food don't really go together unless you're killing the animal to eat it. A two week grace period of keeping your dead pet in the freezer is acceptable and even a month makes sense if you're contemplating what to do with the body, but nobody is storing a dead animal in the freezer for six months unless they're waiting for Bravo cameras to show up and film the dramatic bunny funeral. It doesn't take six months to plan a human funeral, let alone one for a glorified rodent.

The one and only Housewives pet funeral I've ever cared about was Sonja Morgan's because we saw her dramatically spill her dog's ashes all over a Manhattan sidewalk, but I don't give a quarter of a fuck about Brandi saying goodbye to a bunny we never met. The entire ceremony seemed staged for TV and if there weren't Bravo cameras present there is no reason why a group of grown adults would be dressed in black watching her put a box into the ground. Also, the easter bunny man running into the funeral two seconds after they buried their pet rabbit was not only morbid but insensitive to poor little Bun Bun.

As you guys know, this is my first Dallas recap in a month, read my break down on why I can't find a fuck to give about this season here. I realized one of the things I hate about this show is the fact these women are so reliant on their husbands for money. In the other cities, most of the ladies are single and they have side hustles to keep them busy if they ever get fired from the show, however, in Dallas these women are purely wives and rely on their husbands (or their mothers) for any drop of money they get in their lives. It's sad to watch and Kary is definitely a divorce waiting to happen.

When she's not talking about LeeAnne, Kary's storyline is bitching about having no money of her own and it's clear if she had one nickel in her name she'd be out of her marriage faster than Brandi can chug a bottle of tequila. New Kary and her subtitles definitely joined the show in the hopes of earning enough money to support herself, which is a rite of passage that strangely no other Dallas Housewife has followed, because if her Etsy jewelry line made her any money she'd already be out the door. It makes me sad watching this franchise because Kameron and Kary's husbands, in particular, don't want them to work, however, they love to belittle them for not making their own money. It's some sick twisted trust fund baby mentality and even though New Kary isn't my favorite Housewife, it makes me sympathize with her.

If I have to hear Court Westcott make one more passive-aggressive comment about Kameron spending his money I'm going to fist myself with a dull butter knife, enough is enough. He married this woman, forced her not to work and didn't even support her when she tried to start her own business, so he can shut the fuck up and go count his money in a corner somewhere. Does Kameron's hobbit husband gross anyone else out? He's like a mini Shane Simpson, but Kam isn't openly depressed about their marriage enough for the producers to make it a central storyline.

Mama Dee and D'Andra's relationship is fascinating to me and I could watch these two go at it for hours. Literally, just give me some popcorn and alcohol and that's all I need. D'Andra Simmons is the worst, we've already established that, however, Mama Dee fucked her daughter harder than Ray J fucked Kim Kardashian's 2007 pussy. I know I use that analogy all the time, but it will never not be relevant. Basically D'Andra wants to move her business into her house, however, she can't break her lease and has to pay it for the rest of the year and Mama Dee won't give her the money to do so. Little Miss Trust Fund Baby won't take herself off salary to keep costs down, however, if there's no money going into the business then she won't even be able to pay her own salary. D'Andra, finance your life with your Bravo paycheck, take yourself off salary and make your husband get a fucking job. It's not that hard.

The Simmons matriarch carries all the power in the relationship, so she knows she can be as cruel and cunning as she wants with her comments towards her daughter and D'Andra can't say one thing. It's so fucked up but this mind game between the two relatives needs to be studied by trained professionals, it's that complex. Mama Dee basically gave her daughter a burning dumpster fire of a company and won't contribute any money to keep it alive which is the most sadistic thing I've ever seen, especially from somebody's own mother, however, if D'Andra wasn't such a whiny brat I may have more sympathy for her. They're just a toxic, elderly version of Gilmore Girls.

Mama Dee obviously won't loan D'Andra any money because there is no money and she's spending her daughter's trust to keep her lifestyle alive. When Dee dies she's going to leave that trust emptier than the Hard Night Good Morning office, and all D'Andra's years of sucking up her mother's ass will be for nothing, which is the ultimate checkmate in the chess game that is their toxic relationship. D'Andra only wants to keep this company to prove her mother wrong because she knows if it crumbles Mama Dee will hold it over her head for the rest of her fucking life. I love Mama Dee more than a sex addict loves ejaculating, however, the shit she says to her daughter is brutal. D'Andra wanted a roast for her 50th birthday but she got it during this sitdown with her mother.

D'Andra tried to explain her situation to her mother and she replied by saying things like "I didn't know they gave loans to people with no money" and that D'Andra's best gift is asking for money. Mama Dee doesn't give one fuck and she hates her daughter more than LeeAnne Locken ever could. I'm sick of seeing D'Andra complain about this stupid company, if she wants to keep it open she needs to take herself off salary, attempt to get a loan and maybe she'll be able to make it last, however, she needs to stop blaming her mother for the being the reason she sucks at finances. This woman is 50-years-old, it's time to take a look inward, take ownership of her actions and stop relying on her mother for an income. This relationship is built off money and manipulation and like a five-car pile up, I can't look away if I tried.

The final act of the episode involved invitation etiquette, yes this is what it's come to in Dallas. To sum it up, Kameron decided to host an outrageously expensive wedding shower for LeeAnne. The amount of money she spent on that one party could fund a child’s college education, but I guess everything’s bigger in Texas. Two days before the party, Stephanie and Brandi decided to drop out of the event and both said they couldn’t attend because their children had things on at school. While that is a plausible excuse, it’s just bad manners to say you can’t come two days prior, especially when you’ve known about the event for weeks and Kam has already spent time and money on food for them. It’s just rude.

The shower was beautiful and it had the same flurry of people we’ve seen at all 30 of LeeAnne’s previous parties. Yep, that’s right, Old Cary and Season One Tiffany managed to crawl their way into this event as well. Those two ex-Housewives always manage to get their fix of Bravo limelight. During the shower, Kam broke the news New Kary had invited her to a girls' night, that very evening, and she conveniently left LeeAnne off the guest list. This is why Kary sucks, it’s beyond obvious she wants to start a feud with LeeAnne. First, she confronts her over not inviting D’Andra to her bachelorette party and then immediately contradicts herself by not inviting LeeAnne to her own drinks.

If every cast member is attending the event, Kary and her subtitles know leaving LeeAnne off the guest list will cause a problem and that’s exactly what she wants in order to stay relevant and fight with the Mouth of the South. And plus, Kary just wanted to talk trash about LeeAnne to the other ladies. In true Housewives fashion, LeeAnne, Old Cary and Kameron all decided to crash New Kary’s event, however, it’s not like they just stopped over after they were done with LeeAnne’s party. No, no. All the ladies went home, showered and Ubered all the way to Kary’s ladies night five hours later, which is a hustle I can respect. If you’re going to be messy, you need to put the effort in.

When the uninvited ladies waltzed into the rooftop bar, New Kary went so crazy over their surprise arrival that even her subtitles couldn’t keep up with her. The newbie Housewife needs to chill the fuck out and take several seats because two women crashing your girls night is not the same thing as crashing a party for your wedding. Also, her saying they “ruined” her event was more dramatic than a bad telenovela. The episode ended with all the ladies arguing over invitations which was as interesting as it sounds. Kary can't go on a crusade demanding D'Andra be invited to all LeeAnne's parties and not invite LeeAnne to her own, and it was disrespectful for the Jesus Juice sisters to bail on Kam's event at the last minute. Period. End of story. Also, Kameron and Stephanie found themselves in another winding conversation with no end which I literally don't give a quarter of a fuck about.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.