RHOA Premiere Recap: Barbie Baby Boom
Ever since Bravo took away Kenya Moore's peach I campaigned in every single recap of the last season to bring her back and finally, order has been restored to this world and Miss Twirl is back in the ATL looking down the barrel of a Bravo camera. It really feels like Kenya never left and season 11 was just a weird dream with NeNe assaulting the crew and some random girl running around with a rat on her head. Calamari who?
NeNe may be the OG of this franchise, but Kenya is definitely the queen and this show does not work without her. Period. End of story. Kenya is to this show what a flame is to a cigarette. Sure, you can spend $10 on a packet of Marlboro but if you don't have a lighter, it doesn't work. This woman was born to be on reality television and if the entire franchise goes to shit once you leave and then magically becomes good again when you return, then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who is bringing the most to the show. I'm just so happy Kenya is back because it's hard to think of a time when she wasn't holding a peach.
In her time off Kenya gave birth to her daughter, which overshadowed last season's premiere because even off-camera Miss Twirl knew how to bring the drama. Brooklyn is the cutest baby I've possibly ever seen (sorry PJ) and it's so surreal seeing Kenya become a mother after years of everyone making fun of her for being the single one. Somewhere Phaedra Parks is convulsing in a corner knowing that Kenya has a healthy baby and husband (for now) while she's still trying to divorce her felon husband. Seriously, fuck Phaedra, karma's a bitch and she doesn't play. Having a baby to Kenya would be so important considering her own mother never acknowledged her, so you can already see she's going to do everything in her power to give her daughter the mother she never had.
I just fucking love everything about Mrs. Kenya Moore-Daly, she's my favorite peach holder, she's messy as fuck and isn't afraid of confrontation but also has a sweet, endearing side to redeem her bitchy qualities. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Twirl is an All-Star and she's here to stay.
It took me until Kenya's Barbie Party to realize NeNe wasn't in the episode and I do not miss the Rich Bitch at all. Linnethia is just a hypocritical bully who carries more anger around with her than an ax murderer spending life in prison. Seriously, have you ever seen someone angrier than NeNe? This bitch needs some Xanax, a reality check, a dose of humility and a well deserved time out. Thank god, the producers made NeNe sit out for the first few episodes because with Kenya back, NeNe's presence is not missed one bit, and she definitely deserves to be punished for, you know, assaulting a cameraman. If Kenya had sent one of the crew members to the hospital she would've been given a pink slip so fast her edges would've fallen off, but of course, the golden child NeNe can continue to act like a cunt and still cash million-dollar cheques at the same time.
While Kenya was relishing in her new role as a mother, and foreshadowing her divorce from Marc, Porsha was locked up in her palace barely getting out of bed after she found out her baby daddy Dennis was cheating on her, when she was carrying their baby. That is 50 shades of fucked-up. What the Tristan Thompson is going on? So much would be going through Porsha's head in that moment: anger, sadness, betrayal, grief, humiliation, but also still love for him. I can't wrap my head around someone putting their dick into someone who isn't the person who is carrying their fucking child. Porsha made the ultimate sacrifice by destroying her body to have his baby and he repays her by getting his dick sucked by the first THOT he sees.
No one deserves to be cheated on, well maybe Shane Simpson, but we can't ignore that the writing was on the fucking wall. Obviously, Porsha was swept up in love, however, this is a perfect example of why you don't get pregnant and engaged with someone you met 38 seconds ago, who also has a long line of infidelity. Porsha can't say Kandi didn't warn her. At least she got a baby from this messy situation.
It's so weird seeing both Kenya and Porsha have newborns considering they were the single girls with fake boyfriends for the majority of their reign on the show. It's no secret that these two hated each other more than NeNe Leakes hates accountability, however, seeing them bond over their children and profess their love for each other warms my fucking heart. There's nothing I love more than two arch enemies, who can make up years later because they respect each other. You can't feud with someone for seven years and not have some level of respect, especially in the Housewives game because those two made each other WORK for their cheques.
Everyone on this show is having a baby. Who knew there was an ATL baby boom? Kandi is expecting her third child via surrogate which is such an important storyline to show on reality television and ten years ago it wouldn't have even been a thought for someone to open up about their surrogate journey. In fact, it would've been taboo, frowned upon and all the trolls would've come out to throw shade, so I'm glad we're at a place in the world where this surrogate journey can be praised. Apart from that Kandi's life is pretty much the same, she's still hustling, cashing cheques and looking after her kids. Also, Ace is the cutest thing I've ever seen (aside from Brooklyn obviously) and he's Todd's mini-me in every way.
Eva is also pregnant, which brings the baby count on this show to four, and I already don't give a fuck about the "top model" or her child. How the fuck does this woman still have a peach and why does anyone think we actually care about her life? Eva is the worst and her "I'm above the drama" attitude is just exhausting because the only thing Eva Marcille is above is the height restrictions at Six Flags. Eva sucks more than an industrial vacuum cleaner and her monotone voice is like listening to a boring librarian tell you where to find a book. I've said it before and I'll say it again, pregnant Housewives are the worst Housewives. They can't go on trips, they can't drink and they have an excuse to stay out of the drama, which are all things you literally need to become a successful peach holder. Eva was boring before she got knocked up and she'll be even more as boring with another human inside her. At least Kandi had the decency to outsource her pregnancy so that it didn't affect her Housewives' performance.
In addition to the ATL baby boom, 52 Cynt is also thirsty to get engaged to Mike Hill. I am all about CHill and we've never seen Cynthia happier than when she is around her sexy new boo. These two are one attractive couple and it's so cute seeing Cynthia constantly talk about getting engaged, however, Bravo needs to hurry up with the episode where Mike pops the question because I don't know how much longer I can hear 52 Cynt talk about wedding rings. This is a woman who literally turned up to a barbie party dressed as Thirsty Bride Barbie which is one of the most iconic things we've ever seen, at least she knows what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about making it happen. Also, Cynthia sliding that wig off was EV-ER-Y-THING, that's when you know she's in love.
Before we dive balls deep into the Barbie party, Eva, Cynthia and Kandi were eating at OLG and Dennis' alleged mistress, Sincerely Ward, just happened to be there eating at the bar. Ugh. I hate when the producer's do this messy VH1 staged bullshit and somehow they always manage to throw Kandi under the bus with their antics. Obviously, a messy producer gave Sincerely the time and place and ambushed all the ladies in the process. The viewers can see right through that contrived bullshit and it's about as natural as Kim Zolciak's face. I just feel bad for Kandi because her relationship with Porsha is already on rocky grounds and it just puts her in a bad position. However, as far as what "the mistress" said, I believe every word. If this girl is thirsty enough to wait around in Kandi's restaurant awaiting producers' instructions, if she didn't have an affair, she would definitely be thirsty enough to admit to being Dennis' side hoe, if he had been inside her.
Seeing Kandi, Cynthia and Eva at OLG would be like running into a princess at Disneyland and you could see the line of people with their phones out filming the ladies every interaction to send out to the blogs. Also, Atlanta is purely my favorite franchise for the fact that they always find a way to reference "the blogs" whenever anything happens in their lives. Iconic. Eva tried to be the funny pregnant girl by ordering everything on the menu, but this bitch is obviously just ordering a bunch of production paid food and putting it in a doggy bag to take home to her rented behind the scenes condo. I can see right through that pregnancy schtick.
I love a theme and Baby Brooklyn driving her barbie car into her premiere party proved she is Kenya Moore's daughter. Only babies with mothers on reality TV would have a "premiere party" because these women need to constantly think of dumb excuses to keep getting together. All the ladies attended, even Porsha, which is nothing short of brave considering she can't even leave the house most days. There was no drama as the party was full of little snot-nosed kids running around, however, Eva didn't bring her children because she didn't know if Kenya would act crazy around them. What the fuck. Does Eva hear the words that come out of her mouth? She knows Kenya isn’t going to scream at her daughter's event, Eva is just dramatic in the most mundane way possible and it's just an excuse because she couldn't be bothered to strap her kids into the car and bring them along.
Even though Kenya didn't act too crazy in front of the kids, she proved she was still messy enough to tell Porsha about Sincerely gate crashing the OLG to get on camera. Although it is positive tea, it doesn't help Porsha one bit because she knows Dennis' affair was with another THOT. Everybody's individual storylines are all so interesting (apart from Eva) and I am so excited for the rest of the season to play out. Season 12 already feels fresh and funny but with enough darkness and drama to keep us entertained. Bravo, bring it the fuck on.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.