Vanderpump Rules Recap: Boys II Old Men

The breakdown of the Witches of WeHo is sad to watch but Katie Maloney is also an insufferable asshole. I’ve never seen a more depressing human being who sucks the energy out of everyone around her and it’s time for Bubba to go bye-bye.

Seriously, who the fuck is a Katie stan? She’s whiny, annoying, overly dramatic in the worst way possible and just a massive bitch. I don’t even listen to most things that come out of her mouth because she sounds like a dying seagull with an opioid addiction. Every friendship has issues, but I don’t understand why Katie and Stassi are always so quick to be mean to Kristen, if that’s your friend you don’t talk to her like a dog. It’s not what you way, it’s how you say it, and Katie during that dinner was just being plain cunty.

The main thing this boils down to is that Katie and Stassi have always liked each other more than they’ve like Kristen, and now that they’re buying houses and getting married, they think the wet noodle of the group is below them.

Kristen has stayed by them during ALL their relationship drama. Stassi and Patrick broke up every second week and Kristen was there holding her hand, so I don’t understand why they’re making such a big deal out of it. Brittany, Ariana, Scheana, and Lala are all irritated with the Carter situation, however, you don’t see them belittling their friend while on a bachelorette trip. If Katie and Stassi were good friends they would stand by Kristen no matter what, but they obviously don’t have that ability.

Yes, we’ve all had situations where we’ve been annoyed at our friend for getting back with their shitty ex-boyfriend. It’s frustrating, it’s repetitive and it’s annoying as fuck, however, there’s no reason for them to throw their 10-year friendship away over a deadbeat video game addict. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Katie is the Eeyore of Vanderpump Rules and the nail in her ass is obviously her shitty relationship with Tom.

First of all, I have no fucking clue what he sees in this woman. Nothing. Nada. She’s annoying at the best of times, so the fact that they walked down the aisle and are three years into marriage blows my fucking mind. What the fuck? I’ll say it again. What. The. Fuck. The reason Katie got so fired up when Kristen talked about Tom fucking around on her, is because he definitely did a lot more than kiss those girls. I know they’re leading us to believe that all Schwartz’s indiscretions were just blackout drunk make-out sessions, but let’s use our brains here, especially since we know the Bubbas don’t fuck all that often.

The thought of TomKat having sex scares the shit out of me and I don’t even know who would be on the top or the bottom. Picture that for a second. Actually on second thought, do not do that unless you have a really good therapist on speed dial.

While the girls continued to fight about Kristen’s relationship status, all the men got dressed up in elderly drag. Movie level makeup artists came to turn the boys into old men and what we saw was fucking terrifying. You all know, I love a costume which is why Sandoval is such an asset to this cast. Even if he behaves like an egotistical dick in one episode, by the next he’s getting everyone dressed up in costume to give us a show. While they all had elderly alter egos, Jax’s persona Hal, who had borderline personality disorder and owned a string of strip clubs in Fort Lauderdale is literally him in 10 years. Maybe 15 if I’m being generous.

Following all the old men whooping it up at the strip club, everyone came back to the hotel absolutely shit faced, which of course was the perfect setting for a drunk, in-costume fight. Is there any other kind? Reality shows are at their best when they feature drunk people having ridiculous fights in elaborate costumes, I mean, what more could you ask for? I don’t know who’s side I’m on in Book Signing Gate and I don’t really care. Sandoval definitely shouldn’t have sent the text to Stassi, because it wasn’t her fault they didn’t have bartenders. I’m sure if one of LVP’s friend’s booked out TomTom for the day and they were short-staffed, Sandoval wouldn’t have sent them a rage text. His problem should’ve been with Schwartz, Lisa, and Max.

It was bad communication all round and I do think Sandoval knows more about TomTom’s day to day than Schwartz does, however, the only reason Sandoval sent the text was because Stassi didn’t kiss his ego and ask him to have it there. End of fucking story. We can go round and round in circles, but the anime character was having an ego trip in the form of a rage text. Are people really still sending rage texts in 2020? Aren’t those trademarked by Tequila Katie? In the end, of course, the Toms made up. It was a boring fight and I really don’t want to talk about this stupid book signing any longer, or I’m going to run into traffic.

The only thing weirder than the old man makeup is the fact that Scheana and Peter are sharing a room with twin beds. What the actual fuck? Do production really hate Scheana that much that they just squeezed her in with fucking Peter? Although I like how they’re giving us new messy cast members, there are way too many people on this show and the OGs are having to fight for camera time. Lala, Ariana, and Scheana barely got a word in this week, and DJ James Kennedy’s been MIA for this entire season. I’m all for bringing in fresh blood, but not at the expense of our elder SURvers. We’re seeing less and less of all the cast members real lives every week and it feels like it’s turning into The Hills, which is basically the kiss of death in reality speak.

Back in LA, the newbies were trying their hardest to drive a storyline and make their mark on the show. I love how these people have never seen LVP in their lives, but now she’s pretending to know them and be involved in their love lives because they're on the show. Something else I love is the new girl, Danica. She seems violent, funny, bitchy and like a heavy drinker, which is exactly what we need in any and all new cast members. However, if she says woman to woman one more time I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a blunt butter knife. Danica decided to tell the other new girl, Dayna, that the guy she’s been seeing Max, has a track record of cheating on SUR employees.

Of course, like all fuckboys, Max denied the claims and made it seem like Danica was only being nice to Dayna to tarnish his reputation. I don’t know who I believe and I don’t really give a fuck. Yes, Max probably ghosted that girl after fucking her best friend and yes, Danica probably only told Dayna to be a bitch. 100% but in the spirit of Mariah Carey: I don’t know these people. Even though I don’t care about anything these guys are fighting about, it’s important to have fresh background noise to give us the ratchet drama the older cast has stopped giving us.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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