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Shahs Of Sunset Premiere Recap: Naked Jenga

Words can’t describe how happy I am that the Shahs are back after over a year without them on my Bravo screen and this was the best premiere I've seen in a long time. We got to catch up with our old friends, attend a glamorous party and learn about some juicy, potentially life-ruining, gossip. What's not to love?

After a dull season 7, the producers aren't wasting any time which I'm so grateful for. I don't have the time, patience or need to spend 4 episodes watching these people do nothing, so thank fuck the Shahs got the drama snowballing from day fucking one, in the form of a messy queen looking for his 15 minutes of fame. A lot of catchup went down this week but the biggest thing you need to know is about Reza's husband playing a game of Naked Jenga. And yes, I'm 100% serious. While Reza was throwing a house warming party that looked like a wedding in his backyard, organized by Lisa Vanderpump's party planner Kevin Lee mind you, Destiney decided it would be the perfect time to tell him about his husband's alleged nude game night behavior.

This is a quintessential reality TV move. We've seen it thousands of times before and I'm sure we'll see it thousands of times again. If you're on a reality show, you can never throw a nice party without someone telling you a rumor about your man cheating, and it's always in the weirdest way possible. Whether it's Vanderpump Rules, Southern Charm, Shahs of Sunset or any of the Housewives cities, none of the men ever cheat by simply putting their penis where it doesn't belong. No, no. They have to take it to the next level for dramatic effect whether it's a game of Naked Jenga, being caught having a threesome by your girlfriend or fucking a THOT in a bed adjacent to an elderly woman, these men always need to make the story that much more interesting when cheating on their significant others.

The thirsty gay in question, who goes by Ali, sat down with Destiney on camera to tell her Adam played a game of Strip Jenga with fellow gays while Reza was out of town, sent him a string of nudes and wanted to fuck him. What is up with thirsty background characters coming out of the woodwork lately to reveal juicy information and get their 15 minutes of fame? Ali is thirstier than a camel in the desert, however, I believe every word. Adam definitely seems like a closet whore and after Reza said he wanted a divorce only five months earlier, it's no surprise Adam started having naked game nights and sending nudes to other Persian gay men. I'm not saying it's okay, it's just not surprising.

Reza got mad after Adam said he doesn't want to have kids anymore. Is he really surprised? If their relationship was on the brink of divorce a few months earlier, why the fuck would they want to bring a child into that mess? Especially a child you have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for.

I've never really been here for their relationship. Adam is more dull than an overcast day and Reza is a raging narcissist who makes everything about himself. I don't care about their relationship because neither one of them seems happy and they've definitely both cheated on each other several times throughout the years. Period. End of story. Do you really think Adam is the only thing Reza's dick's been inside for the last five years? Plus, watching the "happily married" token gay couple mow their lawn in sandals made me more anxious than a rookie Housewife going into her first reunion.

Along with Strip Jenga Gate, we caught up with the rest of our old Persian friends. MJ was MIA during this week's episode as she was 36 weeks pregnant on bed rest, however, all her costars didn't disappoint. Golnesa is trying to have a baby and as much as everyone wants to shit on the aggressive, violent member of the group, I am a loyal GG stan. The rest of the group calling Shalom before the reunion to try and fuck with her was just cruel and I don't understand why they all enjoy being such assholes to Golnesa. Yeah, it's fun to push her buttons and watch Locknessa come out to play, but it gets to a point where you look like the idiot. I'm looking at you, Reza.

Even though Golnesa was basically on her own little island after the reunion, she managed to reenter the group without too much drama. (Just kidding). GG went to lunch with Destiney, who I'm also fucking obsessed with, to hash out their issues from last year. Somehow Golnesa went from apologizing one minute to screaming in Destiney's face (in a restaurant) the next. People always talk about 0 to 100, but I literally couldn't even track the progress of the conversation before GG was yelling at her costar in bike shorts in front of scared and gleeful onlookers. Seriously, what a gift it would've been to have brunch in that weird LA cafe and see the performance live. You can tell GG really would scream at her friend during brunch on a Tuesday, cameras or no cameras, which is exactly why she's made to be on reality television.

I can't stress enough how glorious it was to see Locknessa verbally assault her friend, storm out of the restaurant, have a marijuana cigarette, and then come back cool, calm and collected to make up with Destiney. It was everything I needed to see and more. Obviously, the weed calmed GG the fuck down and helped her fix her issues with Destiney. Thank fuck for the pot, however, I have no clue how she's going to stop smoking it while she's pregnant, but having Golnesa go through withdrawals on camera is going to make for an excellent season. Even though Destiney is one of the newer Shahs, she really is the cheerful glue who keeps everyone together. She's fun, sassy, bitchy, emotional and brings the perfect flavor as a latecomer to this cast, she's like the Dorinda Medley of Shahs.

While Reza's husband was throwing nude game nights and GG was raging in a lazy cafe, Mike was introducing us to his latest girlfriend Paulina, who he claims is the love of his life. We've literally heard Mike claim he's met "the one" 85 times by now. Every season he brings another bootleg Kardashian wannabe THOT around and brags about how much he loves them, how great they are and then they vanish off the face of the Bravo universe. Although we've seen this scene play out many, many times before, it does feel serious and I'm sure Paulina will make a great second wife to Mike, along with her boatloads of money.

The last Shah we caught up with was Nema who is back in the form of a massive glow up. Nema's got new teeth, new clothes, a freshly tinted moisturizer and I'm not shy to say that I'm attracted to the white-washed Persian. After all the shit I talked about Nema last season, I truly never thought this day would come, but here we are. The best part about reality stars returning for a second season is seeing them get their glow up, and Nema definitely did his right. However, the thing that gave me even more life than the rosé connoisseur's new look, was the old Fat Nema photos. Fat Nema was iconic and out of everyone on this show, Nema was the last person I expected to have a chubby origin story.

I'm so fucking excited for this season and although it may not seem like it from all the shit I just wrote about these people, I really do like each and every one of them separately because they all have juicy, interesting dynamics to bring to the table. Everyone is getting along for now, but I give it three to four episodes before they start throwing drinks and engaging in Persian warfare once again.

Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!

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