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Vanderpump Rules Recap: White Kanye Returns

If you told me two years ago I would be excited to see DJ James Kennedy on my screen, I probably would've gone into the witness protection program, cut off the outside world and taken a very deep look inward, however, here I am saying: thank fuck the White Kanye is back in the game.

Yes, DJ James Kennedy has said and done horrible things to each and every cast member on the show, however, now that the older Vanderpumpers are buying houses in the Valley and getting married, we need as much hot mess we can get our hands on and James gives that to us every single time he pops up to give a drunken DJ set at any of Lisa Vanderpump's establishments. Is he a raging alcoholic? Yes. But is it entertaining to watch? Abso-fucking-lutely. His chronic addiction may be bad for him but it's amazing news for us. I'm not saying I need the White Kanye abusing his airhead girlfriend front and center every episode, but a little background noise is always nice.

This week we celebrated Vanderpump Rules' seventh annual pride and in comparison to years past, it was actually pretty tame. DJ James Kennedy performed a set at TomTom and aside from verbally abusing Raquel over the phone and secretly drinking tequila disguised as soda water, nothing noteworthy really went down. I miss the days of drunken pride fights in the SUR back alley while the cast members are wearing rainbow spandex and glitter, but I guess those days are over. The thought of attending LA pride and being stuck watching Scheana gyrate on a bar while sweaty, glittered people try to move past me in a cramped space gives me more anxiety than Kyle Richards seeing a bee. In fact, I would rather watch Katie knit on loop than "party" in TomTom at 2 in the afternoon while wearing a cheap wig and face paint. Does that sound appealing to anyone?

DJ James Kennedy and Raquel have the worst relationship in the world. Even Trump and Milania are probably more functional. James is obviously addicted to a lot more than alcohol and he treats his girlfriend like a lemon starburst, who takes it because she's so thirsty to be on the show. James could probably run over her mother and have sex with her corpse in front of Raquel and she'd still smile through it for an extra 15 minutes of fame. As long as those cameras are rolling and the Bravo checks keeping coming, nothing is going to break these two idiots up.

I really want to spend one day in the cloud that is Raquel's excuse of a brain, because it's probably a lot more fun than the real world. I'll bet you my house that there's cotton candy, unicorns and a tonne of cocaine floating around where her brain should be and it sounds like a fucking dream. Raquel skipped work to watch DJ James Kennedy's set at TomTom which caused Peter to yell at her in the SUR back alleyway. Aww. On one hand, I'm happy for Raquel, because you haven't made it on this show until you've been verbally abused behind the Sexy Unique Restaurant, but, on the other hand, I'm sorry it had to be done by someone as lackluster as Peter. Imagine being Peter the Pirate and still writing the employee timetables, making out with girls in the bathroom and yelling at DJ James Kennedy's halfwit of a girlfriend, while all your friends have migrated to the valley. Can we set him up a GoFundMe already?

In Raquel's defense, she's dumb! She can't tell time and we can't expect her to, that's just not realistic. I have another major question, how was SUR so understaffed on the biggest day of the WeHo year? I truly don't understand how they were missing so many bartenders and SURvers and why LVP was seemingly okay with it. Either they don't have any employees left to put behind the bar, or people just blew off their shifts, in which case, don't they have to be fired? It doesn't make any sense to me. Something else that doesn't make any sense, is the fact that out of all the OGs who got to quit, Jax Taylor still has to work at SUR. He's like the 45-year-old high school senior who's been repeating the 12th grade for his entire life to stay on the football team, and Jax, it's time to go.

Even though Jax is trying to claim that he's changed, he's still a bigger asshole than one that just got gang banged by eight guys at once. He didn't help set up, he refused to make drinks and looked like he wanted to run into ongoing traffic the entire time. How is Ariana begging for her job back, while Jax is still fake working there? Doesn't it make sense just to swap one out for the other? The producers must hate Jax more than he hates the truth, because he's still being forced to work at SUR against his will and they roast him with flashbacks every chance they get. This is definitely how the conversation goes in the Bravo editing bay:

"Oh, he hates strip clubs? Let's show a montage of him motorboating 8-12 exotic dancers? Oh, he's not attracted to blondes? Let's show three long term blonde girlfriends he's had throughout the years? Oh, Jax hates dressups? Let's show him asking to go down on his fiance while dressed as a rapey old man."

Jax also spent his shift talking shit about Scheana with Dayna. Has Dayna seen the show? Talking shit with Jax is probably the worst activity you can do with him (aside from having sex, of course) because he twists everything you say just to stir the pot to take the attention away from the pathological liar he is. Jax Taylor is truly a terrible human being, but I'm glad we've been given a microscope into his narcissistic mind for the last eight years.

Speaking of Scheana and Dayna, I can't find a quarter of a fuck to give about their relationship. I checked my couch cushions, my wallet, my soul, and I couldn't find one. No one cares. Even though Scheana is at the bottom of the OG food chain, she's right at the top of the SUR one, which she is relishing in. After seven years of being shat on as a Bootleg Kardashian, Scheana Marie Shay is finally the head bitch in charge of SUR's waitstaff and she couldn't be happier. Yes, she's jealous of Dayna for having sex with Max. And yes, she doesn't want another blonde bitch with a dry sense of humor coming into SUR and stealing her attention. Danica and the girl who doesn't eat pasta are little mini Scheana clones, whereas Dayna, who doesn't live and die by her hair extensions and Instagram posts, is more of a mini Stassi.

It's natural for Scheana and her asthma pump to hate any form of competition, especially competition that's sleeping with her former fuckboy best friend, but we're six episodes in and it's time to let it the fuck go. However, that montage of Scheana crying about not being jealous in LVP's kitchen was chicken soup for my black, reality TV-obsessed soul. We all know how I feel about Lisa Vandercunt and her manipulative ways but I've got to give it to her, that new kitchen is fucking stunning. Surprisingly, I enjoy watching LVP on this show far more than I ever did on the Housewives, which is probably because she has the power to manipulate everyone else on the show, give herself a favorable edit and play a maternal role to this band of sexual deviants.

Apart from her beautiful kitchen, something else I noticed about Lisa is that she really wants to fuck Brett. It would actually make me like her more if she rolled around with the 20-something-year-old in the hay and got him to dust the cobwebs out of her VanderPussy. I'm obsessed with Brett, mostly for his good looks. I don't think we've learned one thing about him, aside from the fact he has a beautiful, tan, six-pack but that's good enough for me. While we're still remotely on the topic of LVP's kitchen, Ariana stopped over to talk about her depression. It was nice to see both of these women bond over their mental health struggles, which is a really important conversation to have on TV, in order to break down the stigma.

Ariana thought her depression would go away after moving out of her cesspit of an apartment, but it's still there even in her Valley Village McMansion. To help keep her mind busy and away from dark thoughts, LVP offered her the opportunity to work two days a week at SUR. Who would’ve thought working at SUR would help her depression? I just assumed it would've added to it. Ariana is a bisexual queen and one of the only cast members I can really stand these days, so this progressive queen can do no wrong with me. This wasn't the most exciting Pride episode we've ever had, but it was still thoroughly entertaining and these producers deserve a fucking Emmy for their ability to turn this reality show into a satire. We really are living in the golden age of comedy.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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