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Vanderpump Rules Recap: It's Not About the Pastor

I didn't know we were living in an alternate universe where Jax and Brittany are the first people to ever get married. Apparently, there's an unwritten rule in Valley Village and the surrounding areas that just because Jason Cauchi is finally marrying his Kentucky muffin nobody is allowed to say anything negative to them because they've come "so far" since he fucked a background SURver while an elderly woman slept in an adjacent bed.

After years of evidently having the most toxic relationship on the show, Jax and Brittany are trying to push their fairytale romance this season by getting married in a castle, having a Disney princess bridal shower and forcing their friends not to say anything bad about their relationship on camera, however, that's not how reality television works. If these two idiots didn't want any negative energy surrounding their big day, then maybe they should've fired their homophobic pastor when his comments first leaked out into the public domain, and maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't be on a reality show.

When you sign up to a reality show your job is literally to talk about your life, the good, the bad and the ugly, not try and manipulate the entire cast to kiss your assholes for three months before your wedding. I am so sick of Brittany saying "this is supposed to be the most exciting time of my life" because your wedding lasts one day. One fucking day. It doesn't last two months, or two weeks, it lasts one day so complaining about Sandoval asking a question two weeks before you walk down the aisle, is not going to ruin your fucking wedding.

Jax and Brittany had six months to fire their pastor after his homophobic comments were splashed over social media, however, they decided to blindly believe he wasn't a homophobe and quietly ignored all the chatter that every Tom, Dick, and well, in this case, Tom, could see online. They obviously just wanted this scandal to quietly go away, so they could have this geriatric pastor bless their marriage and they could ride off into the reality TV sunset as a happy couple. They never wanted these comments being a discussion on the show because it would fuck with the fairytale narrative they were trying to push down our throats, which is the only reason they were angry with Tom. However, if they had fired the pastor when the first round of homophobic bullshit came out, none of this would've happened.

Everything that Kentucky preacher said about homosexuality and transgender people wasn't just taken out of context or overdramatized, it was word for word bigotry and if they needed to call the guy to ask him "hey are you homophobic" it just shows how stupid they really are. That would be like asking Hitler "hey do you hate Jewish people" right after he made a speech about the final solution, but I'm sure that analogy would fly right over Jax and Brittany's empty heads as well.

Jax explained how his brain works best when he said, at the end of the day he doesn't care what anyone believes in because it doesn't affect him. Yeah cool, but that's not the point... At all. If they were the real "allies of the LGBT community" that they pretend to be, they would've read those comments and instantly realized how it would affect "their friends" who happen to be gay, lesbian, bi or trans, but instead, Jax was ready to let a homophobic asshole officiate his wedding, which speaks volumes.

At the end of the day, the only reason they fired the pastor and hired Lance Bass was because LVP (and I'm sure a member of Bravo's PR team) spoke to them about the comments. How can they fire a pastor two weeks before their wedding after his disgusting comments circulated online and not expect anyone to talk about it? Have they read their job description lately? The entire cast was talking about the drama behind their backs, but when Sandoval asked the simple question, that everyone was thinking, suddenly he became the bad guy and I am beyond confused. What's even worse than Jax and Brittany having a tantrum about Tom asking about them firing their pastor, is how everyone else blindly defended them.

Can we talk about that bridal shower for a second? If you've ever read any of my recaps, you'd know I hate reality TV weddings more than Jax Taylor hates accountability and all these "pre-wedding events" are just adding to my intolerance. How many events can you have to celebrate your wedding? Because between the engagement party, the bachelor/bachelorette weekend and this bridal shower I am fucking over it. Isn't it a little narcissist to celebrate yourself so overly in a such short space of time? This latest self-indulgent party for Brittany came fully equipped with toilet paper hanging from the roof and a team of Disney princesses. It was the tackiest thing I've ever seen, which is why it fits Brittany's personality like a glove.

Apart from It's Not About The Pastor Gate, newbies, Max and Dayna decided to be "exclusive" while Max still "exclusively" wore the apple watch Scheana gave him and drank red wine on the couch. 20 somethings casually drinking red wine confuses me more than the thought of these two individuals sleeping together. Am I the only one who doesn't think Max would be a very good lay? This relationship is going to last the same amount of time it takes to boil pasta, but I can't wait to watch this blossoming romance implode like the dozens of employee flings that have come before them. Poor Scheana, even the apple watch she gifted to the fuckboy got more airtime than her "I'm freezing my eggs" montage did. There's not nearly enough Scheana and Kristen scenes on this show anymore and I am not okay with it.

Is there a section in the "I'm Getting Married In Two Weeks Handbook" that says you can't ask anyone a serious question before they walk down the aisle? Clearly I missed that chapter because everyone with a vagina on this show, excluding Ariana, came to Brittany's defense to shut down Sandoval for asking a fucking question. If you're friends with somebody, aren't you allowed to have an open conversation with them about something that's just been all over the news or are you just supposed to sit there quietly and ignore the elephant in the room, and I'm not talking Kristen's fugly glasses. They literally switched the officiator of their wedding from a homophobic pastor to one of the gayest pop stars of all time, but everyone is just supposed to play beer pong and indoor softball like nothing happened? Got it.

Is it just me or is beer pong really just not that fun? If I'm pushing 40 and still trying to aim a plastic ball into a red solo cup to avoid doing a shot, please gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon because that's what I deserve. Once again, Ariana and Sandoval are the only people with working frontal lobes on this cast, however, they're being portrayed as the bad guys by a bunch of straight white people. Does anyone else think it's weird that the most diverse person on this cast is a bisexual white girl? No shade to Ariana, but these people live in West Hollywood (and Valley Village) yet there are only straight white people in their group. Ariana is a bisexual queen who can do no wrong in my eyes, she's also the one cast member who I can actually believe enjoys working at SUR, as fucked up as that sentence sounds. As much as I love her, homegirl needs to furnish her house more than Schwartz needs a divorce.

The biggest hypocrisy out of all of this fuckery is that nobody is allowed to talk about the dysfunctional past this couple has had, however, Jax and Brittany's wedding song "You're Still The One" is literally the epitome of doing just that, but the resident sociopath is too dense to wrap his head around that contradiction. Even though I'm mad at the girls for siding with Jax and Brittany, you've got to appreciate Kristen somehow thinking everyone fighting was about DJ James Kennedy, that little fucker isn't even around and Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute is still looking for ways to take him down. An icon.

Speaking of the White Kanye, he's still on the outs with the entire cast after Peter excluded him from his birthday party because he "takes his role as one of Jax's groomsmen very seriously". Um. What the fuck? So now anyone who has a problem with Jax can't go to any events held by someone in his bridal party? This wedding is getting more ridiculous by the second and Peter really needs to stop trying to be relevant on this show. Even though James wasn't allowed to attend, Peter extended an invite to Raquel which is just cruel. When the airhead told her boyfriend the news, he said he didn't want her to go, but also didn't want her to stay home just because he said so.

Ugh, James, it's not okay to fuck with Raquel like that because her bird brain can't deal with the confusion. Although Raquel obviously wanted to be anywhere with Bravo cameras present, she stayed home to inflate the White Kanye's ego and suck his pencil dick. This show has become way too produced this season and LVP "reprimanding" Raquel for missing her Pride shift was more forced than Beau's puns. Lisa's obviously not going to fire Raquel from SUR and she definitely doesn't give a fucking fly about her missing a shift. Give it a rest, Vanderpump. And in Raquel's defense, she was doing her job and that is drinking on camera.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!