RHOBH Premiere Recap: Carcass Out
Beverly Hills is back and so am I. With all this COVID-19 drama, I've taken a step back from talking shit about middle-aged women to just relax, get drunk and listen to Britney songs all day long. My advice for getting through a pandemic? Drinking cheap wine and slut dropping to Piece of Me on repeat.
To be honest, my focus definitely has not been with Bravo during these rough times and I've spent the last two days binge-watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta and Vanderpump Rules to get up to date with all petty drama we're all addicted to. However, with the premiere of Beverly Hills last night (that featured a Good Tea headline thank you very much) it seemed like the perfect time to get back into the delusional, dramatic world of trash-talking reality stars.
Anyone who's ever read an article on this website knows I can't fucking stand Lisa Vanderpump and without that passive-aggressive, egotistical, British dead weight weighing the show down, this premiere felt light, fresh and fun. If this is the new energy of the show than I am more than here for it. The editor's not so subtle dig at LVP by playing an echoey rendition of her "the crown is heavy darling" tagline while Rinna tried on a Dolce & Gabbana tiara was everything I needed and more to get through this COVID-19 crisis.
The editors definitely had fun with this episode and I hope they can continue giving us this fast-paced energy throughout the season and distance this show from the boring, long-winded "gate" storylines we've been given for the last five seasons. I guess we do have Lesbian Gate to look forward to, but I'm much more into the debate of whether or not Denise Richards flicked Brandi Glanville's bean than I am about talking about Lucy Lucy Apple Juice for 85 episodes in a row. The two bitches from season nine are gone and the show must go one.
Within the first five minutes of the episode, Kyle whisked all the women off to New York for fashion week, which has essentially become an annual pilgrimage for these 90210 bitches. Kim Richards' sister has a new clothing line which she had no fucking control over. None. I guess some company just created a Gucci knock off collection for Kyle to fund and just slapped her name on it, which isn't a bad thing but it's a conversation we need to have. I know lots of people have a problem with Kyle Richards, but I've always been a mild stan of the raspy-voiced Kardashian family friend, however, my only problem is with those fucking bangs. Did Kyle cut the bangs for her role in the Halloween sequel to look like her eight-year-old self? Yes. Are they a horrible mistake? Absofuckinglutely.
Anytime a Housewife cuts bangs during the filming season it's always a cry for help, and I wholeheartedly agree we need someone to come in and perform a wellness check on the Beverly Hills matriarch, because the only thing more polarizing than her latest haircut is Teddi Mellencamp's personality. Actually, perhaps boring is a better word to describe John Mellencamp's daughter. I'm sure Teddi is a lovely person, which is the exact reason she should not be on reality television. Some words that come to mind when I think of the traits of a wannabe reality star are cunty, delusional and alcoholic, but "lovely" definitely isn't one of them. During fashion week, Teddi decided to announce her pregnancy to the group which makes me want to run into ongoing traffic or have a COVID patient cough in my mouth.
I've said it before and I'll say it until Bravo gets the message: nobody likes watching small children on reality TV. Nobody. I get anxiety seeing little shit heads run around and scream in the background of a scene when their mothers are trying to talk shit about their costar. It's annoying, it's distracting and I'm not here for it, so naturally, a pregnant Housewife is the only thing worse. They can't drink, they have an excuse not to get into fights and they're just an all-around boring addition to the group, so I am less than thrilled about spending the next six months watching a pregnant Teddi on my screen. If Teddi is holding a diamond over Taylor Armstrong, Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards then clearly something is fucking wrong.
While in New York, Erika took the women to New Jersey to visit a strip club she used to work in, which is the only acceptable excursion to take to New Jersey. To be honest, it really wasn't that interesting considering the strippers were only wearing bikinis because I'm with Denise, if they're not naked then it's a waste of fucking money. However, the club "Shakers" did look like a Soprano's knockoff and I can definitely picture Erika and her bikini dancing for a real-life Tony Soprano in that cesspit of a strip club. Seriously, I'm surprised those bitches didn't walk out either pregnant or with Chlamydia after sitting on those sticky, semen infused stools.
We also met two new women who "just happened" to be in New York at the same time. Garcelle Beauvais is our very first African American Housewife to mingle with a city full of white cast members, and she's definitely here to stay. The story of her son finding her vibrator was an amazing note to enter the group on and she can drink like a fish, which is the number one quality I need all my Housewives to have. If you're not drinking, then you're not working. She's funny, quick and will read a bitch in 42 seconds, however, I don't think we're going to see Garcelle in action this season.
All these women are way too image aware to get into a feud with the first black Housewife on the show, so they're all going to put on their fake Beverly Hills smiles and not ruffle one of Garcelle's feathers, however, maybe next season we'll get to see Garcelle throwing glasses and outing someone's personal issues like the rest of these gals.
Garcelle is an excellent addition to the show and I'm happy we have an outspoken queen who knows how to handle herself. She's confident, sexy and has everyone's number from the get-go, so I'm ready to see the journey she takes us on. Did I know who she was before Housewives? Fuck no, but her acting career is a cute background story to have in her pocket. Obviously, it's amazing to finally have a cast member of another race on this franchise, however, Garcelle's energy would be much better suited on New York or Atlanta and I'm worried she won't shine as bright as she can in a cast of women who are too scared to tangle with her. Eh, I guess we'll see.
Sutton was the other new addition and I have a stan card ready to go for this one. She's a filthy rich Southern belle with her ex-husband's money and an obsession for Dolce and Gabbana birthday tiaras, so she is going to fit in perfectly with this crew. Sutton seems loud and opinionated with a touch of weirdness, which is always vital in finding the perfect Housewife and how she managed to miss out on a diamond over Teddi I have no idea. Enough of this "friend of" bullshit, you're either in or you're out, so Bravo needs to hand this bitch a diamond and call it a day. Sutton is a messy queen and I'm ready to see her scrap with these bitches like cats in the street.
Kyle's fashion show was cute and fun, most of the women, including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, strutted their stuff in the cute Gucci knockoffs and managed to give us a pretty fierce performance while Garcelle and Sutton talked shit on the sidelines. The only one who walked like a disabled baby horse was of course: Teddi Mellencamp. Teddi trying to look sexy while walking down the runway was more butch than Rosie O'Donnell wearing a strap-on, and the editors trolling her with Kyle's impersonation was everything I needed and more. In times of COVID-19, the only thing we need (apart from liquor and a Britney Spears playlist) is Bravo editors who aren't afraid to drag their talent across hot coals.
Kyle's "niece" Paris Hilton always managed to show up to help her aunt promote her new clothing line on Instagram and words can't describe my almost orgasmic response to seeing the one and only Paris Hilton being described as "Kyle's niece" on primetime television. What kind of post-2006, Kardashian-centric world are we living in?
While Kyle watched other people take over her fashion show and Erika reminisced about her days in a seedy New Jersey strip club, the ladies spoke to Denise about her lawsuit with Charlie Sheen. He doesn't want to pay her child support and she doesn't want to hire a lawyer to deal with the issue. Um. Does she want the child support or not because if she doesn't show up to court then she can kiss those Two and a Half Men royalties goodbye.
All the women were genuinely trying to help Denise with the problem and she was not having a fucking bar of it, which is just a glimpse of the actress trying to hide her real-life from Bravo cameras. I get it, she didn't want to talk about her legal drama with her coke-head ex-husband on camera, but if that's the case then don't go on a reality show about your life. It's that fucking simple. And also, the ladies probing you about whether or not you hired a lawyer is no excuse to be a complete cunt to the waiter. Just drink the tequila and shut the fuck up Denise.
Don't get me wrong, I love Denise and her messy bun, but when Housewives run away from their problems and hide the truth on reality TV it makes the show stagnant and stops anything from developing. If you put your tongue inside Brandi's kitty cat then just say that, don't run like Usain Bolt out of a party whenever it's brought up. However, in saying that I am so fucking ready for all the fourth wall breaking content we're going to get when Denise tries to control this narrative. The two-minute montage at the end of this episode was bone-chilling and that's the precise reason you don't refuse to film and then send all your costars (and the network) a cease and desist. Whenever you fuck with Bravo, they fuck with you twice as hard.
If Denise doesn't want to talk about the problems or secrets in her life, then the next best thing is watching her avoid it while giving the producers enough erratic moments to play with in the editing bay. No one is more savage than a Bravo editor and I'm ready for Denise's inner mega-bitch to come out and give us a show. Saint Denise is gone and the Casamigos guzzling, pussy eating vixen is rising from the ashes to take her place. In the meantime, let's all say a little thank you to Brandi Glanville. If she never opened Denise's cookie jar and told the world about their now-iconic lesbian tryst, we'd probably still be talking about that fucking dog.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies