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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Witches of Dunzo

I understand we "need" all these newbies on the show but I also don't give a quarter of a fuck about any of them. The ironic thing is the producers introduced them to make a show revolving around Lisa Vanderpump's workers seem more authentic, however, it's done the complete opposite. If the producers want this show to be real they need to split it down the middle with the SUR and TomTom staff on one show and the OGs on another. It's that simple.

It makes zero sense to have the Valley Village crew coexisting with the waiters from SUR and all it does it take precious screen time away from every single cast member. They go from heavily featuring Ariana's depression struggles to only showing three seconds of her getting buzzed at the Witches of WeHo wine event. I'd rather have two shows where all the character's storylines get enough screen time than one show where everything is briefly glazed over for dramatic effect. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I've seen more chemistry between my lamp and my bookshelf in the last three weeks than I ever have between Max and Dayna, so I really can't be fucked to spend another minute on this made for TV love story. They had sex, "exclusively" dated for five seconds and now we have to believe they're jealous whenever the other has a sexual encounter? Give me a fucking break. They were just using each other to climb the totem pole of relevancy on this show and I'm sick of hearing about it. Whose idea was it to cast Max on this show? In theory, it sounds like a perfect plan because he’s fucked everyone with a vagina in Lisa Vanderpump's establishments, but in practice, he has the personality of a house plant. Actually I think my $5 plant from IKEA has proven to be more entertaining during quarantine than Max could ever dream of being.

Obviously, Tom Schwartz is beloved by everyone for his boyish charm and ability to resemble a flaccid penis, however, I don't understand how it's humanly possible to lose a marriage certificate twice, especially after we were made to sit through their second wedding in Vegas. I know Schwartz suffers from a severe case of Peter Pan syndrome, but it's time to grow the fuck up. If he's losing a marriage certificate twice then obviously there's some subconscious message he's trying to send us about the clusterfuck that is his relationship with Katie.

Can we just agree the only reason for that sham second wedding was to promote Lisa's restaurant in Vegas? Is that something we can do? It was a 40-minute commercial dedicated to promoting Lisa Vanderpump and that Scheana doppelganger storyline was a backdoor pilot I am not buying into. We're already overcrowded on this show, we do not need a Vegas spinoff added to our viewing schedules. Lisa, it's enough.

Speaking of something we don't need, Scheana decided it would be a great idea to surprise Dayna with a medium for her birthday present, so she could connect with her deceased mother who she shares the birthday with. I understand the intent was pure, but Scheana, read the fucking room. If you're going to a medium to connect with a dead relative you've got to be emotionally prepared, you can't just be surprised with one in front of a camera crew and Scheana Shay. This medium surprise was probably one of the most cringeworthy things I've ever seen on this show and they had a funeral for a lizard a few weeks back. No disrespect to Daug but that reptile funeral set the cringeworthy bar pretty high. Maybe the medium surprise would've been better suited for Schwartz to reconnect with his dead pet?

While we're on the topic of Scheana, the bootleg Kardashian spent most of the episode angry that Max and Brett both failed to call her after her egg retrieval surgery. Really Scheana, really? I have no idea why she expects anything from these men because all they've done all season is call her middle-aged, make fun of her kissing and cringe at her boy crazy antics, so why Scheana assumed they'd call her after an invasive surgery is beyond me. When is Scheana going to learn that the two 24-year-old douchebags don't give a fuck about her or her unfertilized eggs?

The meat and potatoes of this episode was the ongoing war between the Witches of WeHo with Kristen on one side and Stassi & Katie on the other. This friendship is dead. I don't care how you slice it, Stassi is done with Kristen forever and Katie is just following along with whatever the Queen Bee wants her to do. I would love for Katie to have her own opinion for once in her life, but that would mean we would have to hear it and that's not something I am willing to do. The Witches of WeHo are officially the Witches of Dunzo, because if Kristen is being included from Katie's "second wedding" and Stassi's engagement party over such a small issue in the scheme of things, then they will never be friends again.

We are 16 episodes into this season and I am still ride or die #TeamKristen. Yes, we've all had that friend who bitches and complains about her boyfriend only to end up having sex with him three hours later, we've all been there, but you don't need to end a friendship over it. You give her your opinion the first time and after that you shut the fuck up and let her make the same mistake until she's finally ready to kick him to the curb for good, then you have a wine night and burn old pictures of him. It's a rite of passage that's been followed for centuries, I didn't make the rules, it's just how it's done. However, this issue isn't about Carter. Yes, Kristen's relationship issues are the face of this friendship breakup, but this really boils down to Stassi and Katie being done with Kristen.

It's sad to have your two best friends in the world pull away from you when you need them most. It sucks and it's the worst thing ever, so for that I'm #TeamKristen and I don't see my stance changing anytime soon. Katie is a sheep ,so if Stassi went back to being besties with Kristen tomorrow, she would too. Obviously, Stassi's relationship with Patrick wasn't on the show for its entirety but she broke up with that asshole every other week and I'm sure Kristen was there with a bottle of white wine helping her drink her sorrows away. I just want these three to be friends again but my gut is telling me that it will never, ever happen.

In between all the fighting, Beau decided to plan his engagement to Stassi, which of course includes a party at Villa Rosa after he pops the question. During the planning, Beau had to decide whether or not to invite Kristen to the Villa Rosa afterparty, however, he just wound up getting sucked into the vortex that is the drama between Stassi and Kristen. Stassi got triggered anytime Beau even broached the subject of her maintaining a friendship with Kristen, and Kristen got mad at Beau for letting Stassi control him. In either scenario, Beau was always going to lose, he was stuck between a rock and the Dark Passenger. I don't even know what I think about this fight and I don't even know that I care.

Is there something they aren't telling us because Stassi's behavior was WAY too dramatic, even for Stassi. Cool, Kristen and Beau were talking at a party and he wants you to be friends again so his own life is easier, is it really that deep? I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle and at this point, I can't even be fucked to find it. Isn't Stassi the one who pushed Jax to include Sandoval in his bridal party so he wouldn't regret it? There's some food for thought. I don't care about this impending engagement and I also don't understand why Stassi is so thirsty to get engaged. Maybe it's the Ariana in me, but marriage is just an annoying piece of paper made for tax purposes. End of fucking story.

In closing, I want to focus on something positive: DJ James Kennedy's alleged sobriety. For the first time ever I actually believe that the White Kanye isn't drinking or indulging in some booger sugar. He looks better, he's acting better and he just seems like a happier person. This week, James said he realized he was "drinking himself to a place that doesn’t exist” which basically sums up addiction to a tee. You want to try and achieve a goal that you're never going achieve because your problems are still going to be there. I am loving James and Lala's sober friendship, but at the same time, we can’t lose another cast member to sobriety.

Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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