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RHOBH Recap: Text Trauma

Beverly Hills hasn't felt this fresh in years. The shade is exceptional, the storylines are meaningful and everyone is finally being open about their personal lives, unlike the past few seasons. Mmm, I wonder why that is? Could it be because the Wicked Witch of Villa Rosa is out of the picture and everyone isn't scared their personal issues are being exploited by a British woman with a beastiality fetish? Who knows.

The episode opened with Dorit finally talking about her financial issues, however, we still didn't get any juicy details on the situation. According to PK, he was a billionaire, then lost all his money in the "credit crunch," whatever the fuck that means. And then he met Dorit when he was next to broke and built his company with nothing. I do believe this sequence of events because PK's outstanding debts are from years when he was financially bankrupt and the only reason their creditors are chasing any sort of money is because they're now on TV.

On a lighter note, the Kemsleys finally moved out of that monstrosity of a rental and into a "farmhouse" style home which looks like a grownup version of the houses the Vanderpump Rules kids recently bought. If I had never seen the Valley Village homes on Vanderpump then I probably would've loved Dorit's new house, but there's only so many modern, farmhouse Los Angeles homes I can see in one week. I'm also willing to eat a little crow for this purchase. I've always been of the firm belief that Dorit and PK only have a paperclip and a nickel in their bank account, however, seeing them buy a $7 million home definitely means they have some cash in the bank, whether it's their Bravo savings of Beverly Beach income, I have no clue.

Garcelle also addressed her ex-husband's five-year affair with, as she described, "some slut from Chicago" which is the only way to refer to your husband's mistress. It's one thing to fuck around on the side of your marriage during a business trip but it's another to be in a five-year affair with another woman. If you're living a double life for five years then that's not a love story, it's an addiction. Obviously, he was addicted to the "excitement" of screwing his Chicago slag while his wife and kids were at home, but you don't stretch it out for five years.

Thankfully, Garcelle took the matter into her own hands and like the queen she is, sent a company-wide email to all his colleagues to out his affair to the masses. I'm sorry, but we have no choice but to stan this woman. That really is the least she could've done considering her husband was fucking around on her for half a decade. Hell, I'm surprised she didn't pull a Lorena Bobbit and cut his dirty, philandering penis right off. Garcelle is amazing and her waltzing around her new home rejoicing over her independence was everything I needed to get me through the next week. Although she's not the most famous actress in the world and I hadn't heard of her before she was a Housewife, she was the perfect addition to this crew.

Lisa Rinna spoke about her daughter struggling to handle college and modeling at the same time. Although these sound like champagne problems they're really not. Being a college student is harder than an erect penis. It's draining, it's stressful and it makes you want to jump out a window so having to juggle that with an eating disorder, severe anxiety, and a modeling career sounds like torture. However, what I won't put up with is Teddi trying to relate with Amelia about the stress of having famous parents. Teddi Mellencamp has been on this show for three seasons now and we are yet to see her famous father. The only reason Teddi even qualified for this role was because of who her father is, so if she's not even going to give us a glimpse of her dad on the show, then it's time to say bye-bye.

Fuck, even if we do see John Mellencamp this season it's too late to save Teddi's Housewives career. It's disgusting to me that Teddi is still holding a diamond because my bedside table has proven to be more entertaining during the last three weeks in quarantine than Teddi ever has been on this show. Who the fuck decided to cast this woman and can they be fired? Please and thank you. Teddi sucks and that really is the only way to put it, I'm sure she's a lovely person but lovely doesn't make for good TV. She's boring, she's dull and I have absolutely no interest in her mundane life. The worst part of it all was that Teddi's dad was engaged to Meg Ryan and we didn't get to see them once. Not once. From day one, Teddi's contract should've mandated that we see her dad and his famous significant other at least twice a season, it's that fucking simple.

Coincidentally, the main topic of conversation this week was how much Teddi fucking sucks. The "accountability coach" decided to invite the ladies to a retreat with a text to try and make it sound like she was fine if they decided to come or not come. It was a typical passive-aggressive text any Cancer would send and the entire group caught on to her antics. Obviously, Teddi cares if they come or not and her easy-breezy act is not fooling anyone. I really don't care about this text message and I don't understand why it's such a big fucking deal among this group but it just proves that Teddi is not equipped to be a Housewife. How is this woman holding a diamond yet Brandi Glanville isn't?! Make it make sense.

The entire situation just became a complicated clusterfuck and even after looking through my notes I still have no idea what actually happened. Teddi sent a text, the other ladies called her out for pretending like she doesn't care and then at Sutton's store opening, Teddi tried to make it clear that she really doesn't care if anyone comes, even though she does. The entire ordeal was more awkward than watching Erika Jayne attempt to push a tear out of her mannequin inspired face. Oh yeah, by the way, congratulations to Erika on landing her role in Chicago. Woo! Hooray! I don't give a fuck. Yes, it's an amazing achievement, but I'm also not looking forward to hearing her talk about Roxy fucking Hart for the next 20 episodes.

Tom appeared for a brief cameo with his styrofoam coffee cup to congratulate Erika on getting the role and it made me think, how the fuck do these two have sex? Surely Erika is just jumping on the saddle and riding him like a cowgirl while he pops some viagra because there's no way Mr. Girardi would be able to be mobile in the bedroom. We can all agree they don't have sex, right? That just doesn't seem like something that should or does happen in this relationship. I mean, they definitely don't sleep in the same room. Garcelle was brave enough to ask Erika about her sex life with her 80-year-old husband and if any other newbie dared to do the same, Erika would've held a grudge the entire season, given them an icy stare and shaded them in her confessionals, however, because she knew Garcelle was set to be a fan favorite, she laughed it off and burned with rage on the inside.

The entire Teddi text drama was 100% instigated by Lisa Rinna. She went from telling Teddi she has to be okay with whatever the other women want to do, whether they decide to leave early or stay the night, which is exactly what Teddi's text specified, however, then Rinna started saying Teddi needs to tell the group what she actually wants them to do. What the actual fuck? Lisa Rinna should really just graduate to being a producer because she was manipulating Teddi's bird brain better than any off-screen producer ever could. I guess Rinna picked up some tricks from watching Vanderpump for so long...

Denise also had a surgery where they removed four hernias from her vaginal area. It sounds painful, it looks painful but she got to recover in the arms of her big-dicked husband while he hooked her up to his weird, spiritual machine that he probably charges rich people $2000 a session to use. I don't understand what Aaron does for a living and I probably never will, but something is telling me his energy healing service isn't contributing to his household's bank account as much as Charlie Sheen's Two And A Half Men residuals were. Denise has decided not to fight her cokehead ex-husband in court because she doesn't want her daughters to be exposed to negative information about him.

That's all good and well, especially since she doesn't want them to turn out like the prostitute's Charlie fucked, however, all those girls have to do is open up Google and type in his name to see enough negative information about their dad to last them a lifetime. Trust and believe. Does Denise really think they don't know about their dad's love of cocaine, hookers and tiger blood? This is the same naive side of Denise who definitely didn't think twice about Brandi possibly spilling the beans about their "alleged" affair. I love Denise but if we know what Charlie got up to, so do her girls. Charlie Sheen fucking sucks, he was paid $1 million an episode for Two and a Half Men and he can't even pay fucking child support? Give me a fucking break. If you don't want to pay child support then wear a condom.

The episode ended with Sutton's store opening where she eagerly confronted the Mayor of West Hollywood about parking fines as he was congratulating her on the store. This is why I love this southern import. She's weird, she's kooky, she's messy and I love whenever a Housewife can inject that energy into the show. She has the self-awareness of a cracked out homeless woman and I can't get enough of it.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies