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RHONY Reunion Recap: Slurinda's Downfall

PHOTO: Bravo

Words can't describe how refreshing it is to finally have an in-person reunion again after months of sketchy Zoom-unions. You know Bravo has officially run out of set ideas for these things when they decide to decorate the space with relics from reunions past. The Long Island warehouse where this end of season sit down took place just felt cold, bleak, and depressing.

The combination of the eery warehouse and the recycled scenery really made you feel like the ghosts of Housewives past were lurking in the background ready to snatch an apple. You could practically hear Aviva and her leg stumbling around. Quarantine and a severe lack of alcohol really did these women well because they all looked fucking stunning, maybe with the exception of Dorinda since we know she's literally unable to put down the bottle.

If I didn't know this was Leah's first reunion I would've assumed she was a veteran, but that's basically how I felt about her all season. She is already a fucking all-star in her own right and is obviously the future of this problematic franchise. Her self awareness around her drinking is so refreshing, especially in stark contrast to Dorinda's complete and utter reluctance to talk about her very evident drinking problem. Leah McSweeney is exactly what this show needed and the acid-induced origin story behind her wing tattoo on her vagina was nothing short of iconic, I just want to see it in person. If we've talked about her winged vagina this much, surely we're entitled to a little peek, or at least a more accurate description. Are they on her pussy lips? Above the labia? We'll never know.

Sonja has literally never looked better which is a direct result of green juices, an alcohol detox, and her latest facelift. Her plastic surgeon and an extended vacation at that Palm Springs retreat definitely agreed with her. When Sonja's not drinking she is at the top of her game. She's witty, coherent, and fucking hilarious. Also, does she really expect us to buy that water pill bullshit? Obviously, we need drunk Sonja to make an appearance at least twice a season but for the most part, her life is so much better without alcohol in it. The same goes for Lu. I love drunk Lu like a pig loves mud but she has never looked better. Her body is snatched, her skin is amazing and she's just an overall effortlessly stunning human being. Snaps for the Countess.

Ramona also looked great but I'm sure that's just the result of some intense facial two days before the reunion and her trademark blonde extensions. Within minutes, the conversation immediately turned to the Singer Stinger's gross behavior during the pandemic, which consisted of literally spending the last six months spreading COVID up and down the eastern seaboard.

Her five costars (and millions of people around the world) proved that it's really not that hard to abide by the coronavirus restrictions, but I guess Ramona's incessant need for validation and attention from others really couldn't take second place to a global pandemic. She's Corona Singer for a reason. The fact that she had COVID and Lyme disease at the same time is more chaotic than Dorinda's relationship with alcohol. If any Housewife should've been accused of Munchausen, it's Ramona. Andy didn't need to bring up the fact that Ramona attended Donald Trump Jr's party in the Hamptons, but I loved the subtle MAGA shade on his behalf.

Although Corona Singer never admitted to being a Trump supporter, you would have to be more stupid than Ramona not to see that she is. The OG never admitted to her poor behavior during quarantine but I know it, you know it, and everyone else on that stage knows that Ramona is a fucking idiot and we really can't expect her to do anything that doesn't serve herself, even if hundreds of thousands of people are dying. And I don't know what's worse, Ramona's need to attend parties during a pandemic or that she was doing so with Harry Dubin. His bedroom is definitely where this whole thing started.

Alcohol has basically become the seventh Housewife on this show (sorry Elise) and although seeing these women getting shitfaced (and then actually shitting themselves) is exceptional TV for us, their rehabilitated physical appearances alone prove that it's not good for them. We discovered that since filming all the women cut back on their drinking except for Dorinda, who is literally the one that needs to the most. Andy tried to subtly ask Dorinda about being an angry drunk and she immediately deflected the question to make it about why Ramona sucks.

I don't understand how Slurinda, which is how she shall now been known, watched herself this season and instead of changing her ways, showed up to the reunion exhibiting the exact same aggressive behavior. When Slurinda launches into her slow, passive-aggressive, self-righteous voice towards Ramona it literally makes my butthole clench in fear and annoyance. You would think if you watched 21 episodes of yourself annihilating people for no reason and shutting down any conversation to do with your drinking to the point where everyone is walking on eggshells, you would change your ways but I guess she's so far gone she can't even see what she looks like. Slurinda's unwillingness to even entertain the topic of her relationship with alcohol is just further proof that there's a real problem there that she won't admit.

Obviously, the word "alcoholic" has become synonymous with Dorinda's behavior and although I'm not a doctor, I think we can all agree that there's definitely an issue going on there whether it's anger or dirty martinis. There's clearly some deep-seated pain which causes her to act like a crazy bitch on a regular basis but if she doesn't want to open up about her issues in an honest way and continues to be defensive whenever the topic is slightly brought up then there's nowhere for her storyline to go. The first step is admitting you have a problem and if she's not going to do that then there's no way Bravo could submit us to another season of her drunken mayhem with no resolution.

Alcohol is definitely the biggest issue in Slurinda's life but for some reason, she's convinced herself that it's actually Tinsley. In the four years that Mugshot Mortimer was on the show she literally never did one thing to deserve the venom that Slurinda repeatedly sprayed her with. It was amazing to see Tinsley again and I'm genuinely overjoyed that she finally found her happily ever after - even if it's with a chubby Coupon King, and even if it's in Chicago. Did Tinsley do a lot for the show? No. But do I miss the eyelash obsessed socialite? Fuck yes. There was something about Tins that rounded out this crazy cast and Chicago's gain is definitely our loss. I don't think I've ever been this happy for a Housewife, but if I was getting bullied by an old drunk for months on end, I'd run away to be with my rich man in Chicago too.

None of these bitches, with the exception of Leah, give one fuck about Tinsley so thank fuck she got away from these piranhas and can finally be happy. They don't even listen to her speak and Sonja's hand sanitizer stunt was perfect evidence of that. For the entire reunion, Dorinda couldn't even listen to Tinsley speak without looking like she wanted to shoot up a school, it was wild to watch, and clearly there's something about the former it-girl that rubs her like a middle-aged CEO rubs his young secretaries back - the wrong way. None of these women are happy for Tinsley and it's because she was able to do the one thing they can't, leave the show to be in a happy relationship, and still be rich.

I'm the first person who would love for Tins to spearhead The Real Housewives of Chicago, but if Coupon King wouldn't be with her if she was on RHONY, then I doubt he'll agree to her being on any other incarnation of the show. The Dorinda vs Tinsley clip at the reunion only showed the tip of the iceberg of Slurinda's nasty, toxic behavior from this season and they decided to focus on the turkey baster comment which was fucked up, mean, and just plain evil. The only person who thought it was funny was Dorinda and that's because she's a legend in her own mind.

After Andy pushed her, Slurinda gave Tinsley an emotionless apology purely to shut the conversation down and not allow Tinsley to roast her about how fucked up that comment was. Also, points to Tinsley for bringing Andy into the turkey baster conversation due to his son being conceived through IVF because it was a massive fucking power move on her part. Go Tins!

Following literally an entire season of having no idea why Slurinda hates Tinsley so much, we finally discovered that it's because the Coupon King loaned Slurinda's sweaty meatball of an ex-boyfriend John Mahdessian money and for some reason, in her drunken rampage Dorinda decided to put her anger towards John onto Tinsley and hated her ever since. The most shocking part of all of this is that this drama went down while the ladies were in Miami, on camera, last season and it never made it onto the show.

If Dorinda and Tinsley got into a massive fight and they had footage of Dorinda annihilating John over the phone in her mobster voice, then why the fuck did we never see it until now? This feud would've made WAY more sense if we were privy to this information from the start, but I guess it was too dark for the producers to air, especially if they didn't want Tinsley to even stay in the house because Dorinda was so angry.

When Tinsley dropped this bombshell on all of us Dorinda pretended like she had no idea what she was talking about, only for the producers to flash her unseen psychotic breakdown across the screen, which was the moment she was officially pronounced dead as Housewife. Her blatant denial of something that we all saw to be true was embarrassing, sad, and cemented why she won't be back next season.

Once upon a time, Dorinda was a nice, warm Upper East Side woman with funny one-liners and a sharp tongue. It was funny to see her slur when she was drunk and roast someone over an inconsequential debate, but now she's morphed into an unlikeable, angry, cruel drunk who hurls nasty insults at anyone who slightly questions her and can't take responsibility or be honest about her mistakes and problems. She's officially reached the limit of what she can give us as a Housewife and if she takes some time off to grow, work on herself, and fix her problems then I'd be more than happy to welcome the old Dorinda back with open arms, but until then this entire season and reunion will be remembered as the downfall of Dorinda Medley.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!