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RHOBH Reunion Recap: Denise & Desist

PHOTO: Bravo

This season has been so weird. It's more obvious than Lisa Rinna's balloon lips that Denise lied about having sex with Brandi, something I normally hate in a Housewife, however, these bitches are so fucking annoying about it that I don't even care and I think it all boils down to the fact that this is not a fair fight.

Bless her heart, but Denise fucking Richards was not meant to be a Housewife. She doesn't even remember half the things she says in her confessionals, mainly due to the fact that she downed a bottle of Casamigos beforehand, which is entertaining for us but only makes it easier for the other women to come after her. Denise doesn't want to show her own life or even fight with these women and when you have a Housewife attempting to shut down storylines through legal action and pulling shit out of her ass in order to defend herself, it fucks with the algorithm of conflict and honesty that this franchise is supposed to be built on.

Denise is also unable to stand up for herself or string together a logical defense, which allows a barracuda like Lisa Rinna to rip her to shreds. The worst part about this reunion is that it felt like a bunch of hungry bloodhounds running after a chihuahua, it's just not a fair fight. Lisa Rinna spent the entire time being more aggressive than a cage fighter which was just gross and annoying to see. If I have to hear that diaper hawking tampon tunnel ask "are you threatening me Denise?!" one more time I am going to drive to the warehouse that stores her fugly polyester dusters and burn it down myself.

Rinna's main goal of this reunion was to expose Denise for the liar she believes her to be, but all Lisa did was make herself look like a smug, sanctimonious piece of shit who yelled about nothing for 18 hours. It's clear Lisa Rinna doesn't give a quarter of a fuck about Denise, or their 20-year friendship, and just wanted someone to fight with to secure her diamond for the next season, because the only thing Rinna cares about more than herself is fame. And without the show, she'll go back to appearing on shitty soap operas and "celebrity reality shows" that should've been canceled a decade ago.

Everyone with half a brain cell can see that Denise is lying, which is a horrible quality to have on reality television, but she's obviously doing so because she wants to protect her family. The fact that Lisa Rinna said that if Denise had told her that to begin with she would've helped her is complete and utter bullshit. Why the fuck would Denise ask you for help and tell you the truth, when you threw her under the bus all season, set her up to get ambushed in Rome purely to make good TV, and have been on a mission to make everyone "own it" and "be honest" about their lives. Why the fuck would she confide in you, Lisa Rinna?

The only part of this reunion that actually interested me was when Rinna started waving Brandi and Denise's printed out text messages in the air, which caused Denise to threaten to expose her text messages with Rinna, to which Lisa replied saying "It’s not about me and those are private." Um, what the fuck is in those texts? Lisa sat the fuck down when Denise brought up their own text history so clearly there's something in there that Little Miss Own It doesn't want us to see.

If those texts were private, then why the fuck does Rinna have printed out messages that she clearly got from Brandi? Who she later said she didn't like. If Lisa doesn't like Brandi then it's clear that she was only nice to her this season because she wanted to get the tea about her relationship with Denise to make a good TV show. Um, I'm no Vandercunt fan, but isn't this what all the women hated about her?

So, Rinna doesn't like Brandi, yet she printed out her text messages with Denise specifically for the reunion, but then didn't want her own texts with Denise brought out for everyone to see. Lisa Rinna fucking sucks, which pains me to say because she used to be my all-time favorite until she got too good at the Housewives game. We don't see anything about her real life and when we do it's just an overly produced scene with her daughters that she probably rehearsed in the mirror three times before the cameras went up. She's always acting and at this point, it's just fucking exhausting.

I hate this word and I try to never use when it referring to these women but Rinna is a fucking bully. She spent the whole time beating a dead horse (Denise) and looked mean and aggressive while doing so. It's like Dorinda and Tinsley in New York. Both Rinna and Dorinda are all-star Housewives, however, when they pick fights with people who are clearly weaker than them, they just look mean, and punching down is never a good look on these shows. Although I'm obviously no longer Rinna's biggest fan, I did like the Heather Locklear reference. She tried to say that Denise isn't a good friend because she dated (her former friend) Heather Locklear's boyfriend Richie Sambora while Andy played dumb and pretended not to know what she was alluding to. It was a low blow from Rinna's end, however, who doesn't love a cheeky early 2000s pop culture reference...

Before we dive back into the Denise drama I have to talk about something that's more surprising than a cameraman picking out Kyle's confessional clothes, the fact that Erika is still on this show. Yes, she achieved her dreams and made it to Broadway, yipee, but it's officially time for her to hand in her diamond. We've seen the beginning, middle, and end of Erika's career on Housewives and her Broadway storyline was the perfect way to send her off on a high note. I also hate the narrative that she went from a strip club to Broadway. Are we just going to ignore the fact that the only reason she was even offered the role is because she married an old rich guy, got him to fund her career as a gay nightclub performer, and then ended up on a popular reality show? I respect the hustle but let's not pretend like these things didn't happen inbetween Shakers and Chicago.

Now, obviously we know Lisa Rinna sucks more than a pornstar's mouth during a long day of shooting, however, Denise isn't without her faults. When you threaten to sue a network that you're employed by so that you can have footage taken out of a reality show you signed onto, then you're basically just wasting your money and fucking yourself in the end. She tried to conjure up a story about how she wouldn't let Brandi into her room when they recorded the podcast but no one believes her because if this were the truth, she would've said it in Rome, not six months later. Denise can't fight her way out of a plastic bag and she clearly should've been coached by a seasoned Housewife before this reunion taping and not her idiot husband.

The entire time Denise looked disinterested, disengaged, and drunk, which has basically been her attitude to this show since day one. Seeing her hold a glass of Casamigos Reposado was a total mood and if I had to spend 18 hours on a Zoom call with a bunch of bitches I don't like, I'd be doing the exact same thing. It's so frustrating watching Denise not even try or want to stand up for herself and I just want to pull a Tyra Banks and scream "WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU" because this bitch just can't save herself. A cease and desist means shut the fuck up, so if Denise really believes that it was sent to Brandi to "make her tell the truth" then she's either delusional, drunk, or dumber than we thought. Eh, I'm going with drunk.

After the topic of Lisa and Denise's relationship was brought up, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife said she needed to eat something before answering a question about how Rinna has changed. I must be more stupid than Denise and Aaron put together because I really believed she was going to eat a burger and sober up before delving into this issue. However, three seconds after she said it, Denise picked up her numerous files, her glass of Casamigos, a bag of chips, two red pens and any fuck she had left to give about this show, giving us the excuse that she had to go learn her lines for Bold and the Beautiful. Did Denise really think they were just going to let her leave during the most climactic part of the reunion to go run lines with her idiot donkey dick husband?

It turns out they should've because, for the last part of the reunion, Denise was even more checked out than she was before, something I didn't think could be humanely possible. She was texting, drinking, and basically just sitting there in silence. My closing thoughts are that Denise just felt beaten down by all these women and it was really a sad way to see her go. She started this show as the funny, unfiltered, down to earth fan favorite and ended it with only two friends left, her sex life smeared across the tabloids, bloodshot eyes, an entire bottle of tequila, and a 20-year friendship destroyed.

It's not the way any of us expected her time on the Housewives to end when she first arrived on the scene and although it provided us with entertainment during a global pandemic, I really just feel bad for Denise because at the end of the day, her life only got worse from joining this show. I don't want to see Denise go, however, I know with all certainty that her life will be better without this mess, but she's definitely going to feel the absence of that million-dollar paycheck... Farewell Ragamuffin, you'll be missed.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

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