Shade of the Week: Denise Fucking Richards
Farewell Ragamuffin Richards!
In honor of Denise Richards' last ever episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airing tonight, I decided to pay my respects to her confusing, bizarre, and dramatic time on the show. When Denise first stepped on the scene she was a former A-list actress but was definitely more well known for her highly publicized relationship with Hollywood's most notorious cokehead Charlie Sheen.
During her first season on the show, Denise was the undisputed fan favorite who provided us with unintentional comic relief while all the other women fought over a fucking dog. Denise's I don't give a fuck energy was a much needed and valued addition to the show. She turned up to her own wedding late in a rip away wedding dress, spent the whole season in a messy bun, drank Casamigos, bragged about her husband's donkey dick, and let the world know he got a happy ending from an elderly woman. She may have been a successful, wealthy actress but she was one of us, until she wasn't.
When Denise began her second season on the show she was still the down to earth girl we fell in love but it only took one conversation about threesomes to completely ruin her relationship with the other bitches of Beverly Hills. I still don't understand why this dinner because the focal point of the season? We literally had to sit through countless dinners of the women rehashing this non-issue and it made me want to cut off my leg and fuck myself with it. This is the thing I hate about Beverly Hills, they choose one issue to focus on and then beat it to death like a housefly.
Although they were fighting about total bullshit, obviously there was a deeper issue. The women thought Denise wanted to use the show to change her image from last season, but if she were going to do that, why the fuck would she bring up her husband's horse cock all the time? Also, I don't buy it that Denise is manipulative at all. To be manipulative you have to be a good liar, and we all know Denise can't do that. You also have to be smart and although learning lines for The Bold and the Beautiful is probably challenging, Denise isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She's like Britney Spears: famous, beautiful but a dim woman with a passion for messy topknots. And that's not shade to Britney because she is my ultimate queen.
Denise is so naive, I mean you would have to be an idiot to sleep with Brandi Glanville and not expect her to tell the entire planet. I really think Denise just got in overhead filming the show and couldn't dig her way out of this mess with the women. If she was manipulative, wouldn't she have had better comebacks when fighting with the girls instead of running away all the time? Denise's storyline was literally that she didn't want to be around the other women and she did everything in her power to avoid them at all costs. Normally, that's a quality I hate in a Housewife but Denise was just so entertaining while doing it.
The only thing I don't like about Denise is her idiot husband. Aaron may have a big dick but he's more stupid than a sheep with brain damage. The fact that this man thinks he can heal cancer and that big pharma is following him literally makes me worry about Denise's safety because if this is the man of the house then Charlie Sheen isn't looking that bad after all. His donkey cock really is the best thing about him because his mansplaining to the other women was just gross, repugnant, and disgusting. Imagine having an idiot like Aaron try and talk down to you?
Just have a beer, sit in the background, and shut the fuck up, like every other husband on the show. I truly believe that the only reason Denise wasn't honest about hooking up with Brandi is because she didn't want her husband to find out. He's creepy and the fact that he married both Denise and Nicolette Sheridan gives me major thirst vibes. When someone's type is middle-aged actresses who live in the San Fernando Valley, you run for the fucking hills. Also, there's no way his weird business his bringing any income into that household.
Denise's weird smirks and drunken slouching in her trippy at home confessionals were highlights of the season for me, even though she obviously did let Brandi's tongue tickle her clit. Denise is just a nice lady with a dumb husband, two kids from Charlie Sheen, and an adopted special needs daughter, yet she also (allegedly) likes a little pussy on the side and there's nothing wrong with that, but she really should've owned the hookup with Brandi from the start.
Now she's entangled in a messy legal situation, wasting thousands of dollars on legal letters when we all know she's not telling the truth anyway. The irony that she wouldn't hire a lawyer to handle her child support battle with Charlie Sheen but she did to handle Brandi Glanville isn't lost on me. Denise's priorities are more fucked up than she is after a night of Casamigos.
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The bitch edit definitely suited Denise and I was more than here for it. We know she lied and we know that she gave Bravo (and her cast members) a cease and desist to shut this storyline down, but all it did was incriminate her more. She got stuck in her own spiderweb that she created. The weirdest part of all, is that even though she took legal action to ensure Brandi wouldn't be at the reunion, she really doesn't seem to give one fuck about anything the women had to say to her during the end of season sit-down, but that's probably because she was shitfaced the entire time.
Denise's relationship with the truth is more confusing than Kyle's relationship with her bangs, but there's something about the Bond girl that is so fucking entertaining. Even though I'll miss her holding a diamond, after watching her lie all season, initiate legal action towards the network and fuck with the reunion production, there was really nowhere else for her to go. And the fact that Denise did all of that and then asked for MORE money to return is fucking iconic. Self-awareness, who?
Lisa Rinna thinks Denise is manipulative because her team leak articles to the press to try and sway the media in her favor, but this is obviously a very 2006 technique that she definitely would've picked up during her divorce from Charlie. Of course, it's manipulative to a degree but this is second nature to Denise. Following the finale party, Denise leaked sympathetic photos of her surgery from three months prior, and following her exit from the show, suddenly there was an array of articles explaining why she "quit the show" even though Andy Cohen (an executive producer) admitted she was in negotiations to come back. Denise's lies are confusing, stupid but above all else - fucking hilarious.
Although Denise fucked herself harder than Brandi ever could this season she's still one of my favorite Housewives, however, it's time to let her go and remember all the iconic moments she gave us in her two-season run. Denise may have ruined her position on the show in the long run, however, she was the only thing anyone talked about for this entire season and without her messy sex life splashed across our screens, we would've had to sit through 16 episodes of Kyle and Dorit fighting about glam. Season 10 will always be remembered as Denise's iconic season. Rest in peace sweet ragamuffin. You'll be missed.