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RHONY Reunion Recap: Social Bitch-ancing

PHOTO: Bravo

Isn't it ironic that Tinsley had to leave The Real Housewives of New York City to become the only real Housewife on the show?

I still don't understand Dorinda's argument that Tinsley wasn't transparent about her life in front of the cameras. Mugshot Mortimer literally cried about wanting children, tried on wedding dresses with her mother while crying about her frozen eggs, wouldn't shut the fuck up about her arrest, and cried about her relationship with Scott to the point of embarrassment. Dorinda, Tinsley isn't hiding anything, she's just not that deep. Tinsley was in an off and on relationship with Scott, did she need to update these women every time they broke up and got back together in the space of a week?

The most hypocritical thing about this entire situation is that Dorinda's entire goal of this season was to prove that Tinsley didn't reveal her life on the show when Slurinda was the one who didn't want to talk about her breakup with John. If you're going to accuse someone of something, you can't go around doing the exact same thing, that's rule number one in the cunt handbook. The excuse that "her friend" leaked it to the press to finally make her end things with John was more pathetic than Tinsley's dream of moving to Chicago to be with a chubby Coupon King.

If Slurinda is so obsessed with Tinsley being authentic about her life on TV, then why the fuck didn't we see the demise of Dorinda's relationship with her sweaty meatball of an ex-boyfriend. The only things we saw of John this season was Dorinda sadistically letting him burn his hand on a hot tray and then their breakup that was announced through Page Six. So Slurinda can shove her aggressive behavior towards Tinsley up her stuffy Berkshires ass.

Andy asked all the women why they didn't stand up for Tinsley while Slurinda was drunkenly annihilating her and there are two answers to that question. The first one is that none of these bitches give a quarter of a fuck about Tinsley, her eyelashes, or her Chinese dogs and the second is that they didn't want to become Slurinda's next target. I can't think of anything worse than a middle-aged woman with wine breath screaming at me at 2'oclock in the afternoon, and even though they definitely should've intervened while Tinsley was being accosted by the belligerent drunk of the group, I can't exactly blame them.

The Dorinda vs Tinsley segment ended with another bullshit apology from Slurinda that was more fake than half these women's breasts. Dorinda didn't apologize because she feels sorry about the way she treated Tinsley, she was apologizing purely to shut the conversation and not allow the former it girl to give her opinion on why she is such an awful human being. Tinsley rocked up to this reunion with an engagement ring, a poofy dress, and a massive set of balls to deliver the most valid line of the entire sit-down which was that Dorinda's Achilles heel is that she can never be wrong. Tins hit the nail right on, well, the Achilles heel and Dorinda losing her job on this show after the reunion is perfect proof of that

Slurinda's meltdown at the utterance of Tinsley's name in the last seconds of the finale episode was also addressed, and she claimed the reason behind her erratic anger was solely because Bethenny was the one who brought Leah onto this show and not Tinsley. Um. Is that the best she could come up with? She screamed and shouted about how Tinsley almost ruined this show by quitting midseason, when Bethenny Frankel was the one who quit the day filming was supposed to begin and fucked up the casting of the entire season. If you're going to be pissed at anyone for "almost ruining the show" Little Miss Skinnygirl is the one you should be going on a drunken rampage about.

As gross, disgusting, annoying, and cruel as Slurinda's reign of terror has been on this show, I kind of understand why none of these women take Mugshot Mortimer seriously. Whenever Tinsley yells she sounds like an irritating 12-year-old who didn't get sprinkles on her ice cream, even though most of her arguments are coherent and logical. Tins is at her best when her voice is on a steady, low octave but as soon as she starts screeching like a strangled parrot everybody turns their ears off and thinks of what they're going to have for lunch or the next guy they're going to fuck.

After Ramona got up to pee, mid-conversation, because the attention wasn't on her for three minutes, Tinsley finally explained why she made out with her sister and then fled to Chicago. In case you're wondering, the two sisters were playing a game with other people where you would teach another person how to kiss and instead of, you know, skipping each other when it landed on them, Tinsley and her sister decided to fuck the concept of incest and make out in front of a group of other people. Yes, it's gross but I can't exactly say that it's not on-brand for her...

After telling the world the truth behind her putting her tongue in her sister's mouth, Tinsley disappeared into the eery warehouse. Although she wasn't the most impactful Housewife of our time, she provided a nice, superficial, airy texture to this group of women and I'll definitely miss her strawberry shortcake presence on my screen.

Out of all these women, Lu would definitely be the most fun to get drunk with. Sonja would show up to the club already shitfaced and falling over, Dorinda would verbally abuse me and Ramona is the most annoying person on the face of this planet, however, Lu can hold her alcohol as if she's got a wooden pirate leg (pun definitely intended), she loves to dance, she smokes cigarettes like a fucking chimney and would talk shit about everyone she knows. What's not to love? And you just know she'd hijack whatever hired performer is on the stage and start belting out her greatest hits. A drunken night with Lu is definitely going on my bucket list.

Although she behaved like a raging narcissist last season, Lu has really turned her public image around and she just seems like the good time, fun girl who lives down the street. Luann is easily one of my all-time favorite Housewives and seeing her talk about her father was probably the most humble she's been in the last 12 years, but how the fuck did it take Lu over a decade of reality television to finally talk about her parents? And also, even though the Countess is oblivious to the differences between her legal struggles and that of actual former prisoners, you can still see that she actually wants to bring some change and advocacy to that community, even if her verbiage is more cringeworthy than Ramona's facial expressions. At least she's trying to help.

Flirting is basically an Olympic sport to these women and I think we can all agree Lu has the best game, while Ramona, her crazy eyes, and attention-seeking personality easily have the worst. Luann knows to bring the guys in and then back out if she's not the mood, she plays it easy and cool, while Ramona will chase a guy around a party with her crazy fucking eyes until they entertain the idea of talking to her for thirty seconds. And according to Leah, the Ramona Coaster not only shits when she's on vacation, but shits during sex, so I can't imagine intercourse with Ramona Singer would be a lot of fun unless you're into Dirty Sanchez's. Seriously, google it.

Obviously, I'm relieved that we finally have another in-person reunion, but it felt like Bravo couldn't find a space big enough to hold this socially distanced get together and decided to have it in their storage facility with all those eery backgrounds from reunion's past. Eh, at least the network would save money on renting out a location for the day. The fact that they could barely get all the women into one frame was also frustrating because I couldn't have eyes on all my women at the same time, which is essential during a New York reunion. Even though two women may be fighting everyone is always doing their own wacky shit in the corner, Sonja's hand sanitizer moisturizing session is the perfect example.

The reunion ended with Leah and Ramona's drama. The rockstar newbie obviously sees her mother through Ramona, meaning that when the Singer Stinger gets mad at her for stupid things, Leah loves to rile her up and push the envelope even further to get more attention and have fun with pissing her off, just like she does with Bunny. Although I really do believe Leah somehow feels a maternal connection to Ramona, Little Miss Crazy Eyes only has a double standard for Leah's dirty talk because she's jealous. Ramona is jealous and threatened by Leah because she's younger, prettier, funnier, and smarter than her and the idea of a new bitch coming in and upstaging her, sends her on a trip around the Ramona Coaster in her own brain.

When the topic of Ramona outing Leah's bipolar disorder came up, one of Ramona's excuses was that she doesn't like Leah when she drinks. Um, Ramona, no one even likes you when you're sober. Let's cut the shit, Ramona wanted to weaponize and stigmatize Leah's mental health issues and thought she had a smoking gun by piecing together her drunken behavior and her bipolar disorder, which is such a dangerous thing to do.

There's already enough stigma around people getting help for mental health and Ramona trying to use Leah's bipolar was just archaic and gross. Leah's mental health is Leah's business and the only person who should be sharing it on an international platform is, wait for it, Leah fucking McSweeney, not Ramona fucking Singer and seeing her try to flip it around by saying she exposed it so that Leah "could help" other bipolar people across America was more foul than Ramona's need to shit on the floor of vacation homes.

Of course, Slurinda thought a fight with Ramona and Leah was the perfect time for her to open up her own drunk mouth and started screaming about how Ramona accusing Lu of drinking at the last reunion could've got the "cabaret star" arrested. Dorinda loves to pick and choose when certain things work for her because if Luann did get arrested because of Ramona's stupid comment, Slurinda would've spent the whole season rubbing yet another mugshot in the Countess' face.

Dorinda also randomly wanted Ramona to be honest about the fact that she "sleeps with different men every night" and got a facelift, which is not only hypocritical but dumb because if she's on a crusade for Ramona to be open about those things, then Slurinda needs to be honest about her drinking problem. Glug, glug bitch.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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