RHOA Premiere Recap: Back To Basics
In recent years Bravo’s casting department have made more mistakes than Lindsay Lohan but they finally got it right with this season’s Atlanta cast. Marlo finally has her peach and she is doing everything in her power to show the world she deserves it. Marlo Hampton is the perfect Housewife. She’s stylish, can ruin someone’s life with three words and has a questionable income that may or may not be funded by sugar daddies from all over the globe.
Marlo claims that she can afford to drive fast cars and wear $10k worth of clothing a day because she dated a billionaire ten years ago and if that’s the case she’s a better saver than a grandma with a mattress full of cash. Marlo must’ve sat on a lot of dicks to afford her archive collection and that’s okay, because in my opinion every show needs its own resident call girl. Underneath the Chanel blouses and Birkin bags Marlo also happens to be a good person. That may seem like a controversial opinion but if you take in your nephews and raise them as your own, while your sister’s in prison, then you have to have some goodness in your heart. You can tell the kids love hanging out with their cool Munty Marlo who CashApps them money and cooks them egg scramble in a designer saucepan for breakfast.
Although she dated a billionaire a decade ago and probably jumps on the actual dick whenever she needs a Birkin bag, the majority of Marlo's income would be coming from this reality show and her newly acquired peach would've given her a much deserved pay bump. If you really break it down Marlo's finances do make sense. Her billionaire ex bought her a house, which means she's not paying off a mortgage so her Bravo salary and sponsored Instagram posts would be enough to cover her expenses.
The other key casting component which made this season a success was bringing back Sheree "Who Gon Check Me Boo" Whitfield. Sheree is truly one of the most underrated Housewives in the history of the franchise, I mean how many Housewives can say they've been brought back not once but twice? The answer is one and that is She by Sheree. If you're not convinced of her legend status all you need to do is watch her casually stroll through a strip mall in joggers (of course) while Bravo play her *multiple* iconic one liners.
In her three years off the show it seems like nothing has really changed with everyone's favourite bone carrier. Sheree's still living in Chateau Sheree and still dating Tyrone, her criminal boyfriend, who is finally out of jail. For the moment these two are practicing celibacy which is more insane than most of NeNe's hairdos. If you spent the last few years dating a guy behind bars wouldn't you be having sex everyday that ends in a Y? Sheree wants to see if they're compatible on the outside world without having sex but they've ALREADY had sex so I don't understand the need for this decision. Maybe Sheree's insecure or maybe Tyrone is a dead starfish in the bedroom?
Everyone in this group is always questioning Marlo's finances but Sheree is the person whose lifestyle truly makes zero sense. She never got any child support from her douchebag ex-husband, She by Sheree has never been launched, she hasn't appeared on any other celebrity reality shows and somehow she's still managed to pay her mortgage and look cute in the process. What the fuck does Sheree do for money when she's not being filmed by Bravo because her finances are more shady than Kenya's reads. Has Tyrone been wiring her money from prison? Is she making millions from Instagram? Did she join an MLM we don't know about? I need someone to do a deep dive on how Sheree merely survives because this woman's answers about her financial situation are as straight as Derek J.
Oddly enough the person who got the most airtime in the premiere seemed to be Drew. The actress turned reality star turned microwaved food hawker is never going to be my favourite, however, I appreciate the lengths she is willing to go to constantly embarrass herself on international television. Drew barely held onto her peach by the skin of her teeth which of course means she's going to put her entire life on the line in order to stay on this show and if that means pretending to be a fitness guru then so be it. When I think of Drew Sidora I don't think of workout routines, activewear, weight loss or sad microwave meals but yet she's pushing her new business "Drop It Like Drew" down our throats harder than Ralph pushed his dick down his assistant's. How can you own a fitness business when you don't even know how to shake a pressed juice?
The Housewives franchise has seen more failed businesses than the welfare office but yet women in every city still shoot their shot at trying to achieve the next Skinnygirl. Drop It Like Drew will be forgotten about by next season but I'm going to enjoy every second of watching Drew pretend to workout and talk about stemmed fish in order to sell her filmsy products. The only thing more depressing than the microwaved vegetables Kandi had to choke down is Drew's marriage to Philandering Ralph. I know that's not an alliteration but just got with it. In my opinion I thought these two would already be divorced by now but I guess we'll have to wait a few more seasons and a vow renewal before the Housewives divorce curse catches up with them.
When Ralph isn't taking random trips to Tampa he's hiring hot new assistants who want to massage him. Between Ralph's incriminating text messages with his assistant and his overall cheater energy, he's obviously played around on Drew behind her back and if he hasn't, he's definitely wanted to. Ralph reminds me of Tristan Thompson. At first glance he's an aggressively attractive stud who everyone wants to sleep with but then you get to know him and you realise he's just a sneaky dog with a dick for a brain. You only need to watch his explanation of Assistant Gate compared to Drew's to know this man gets more pussy than an animal shelter. Drew and Ralph's clusterfuck of a marriage is one of the most intriguing storylines this season has to offer and the more Ralph lies through his perfectly polished teeth, the more I feel sorry for and actually like Drew.
Through Drew we were introduced to Sanya Richards Ross who is a fucking Olympian. Enough said. If you have literal gold medals hanging around your neck then the Real Housewives means nothing in comparison. Aside from her medals we didn't learn a lot about Sanya, apart from the fact that she's Jamaican and her husband wants another child which I'm sure will come up 85 more times this season accompanied by tears and pep talks from her costars. Although we only just met Sanya, she feels like a key part of the group and not some random newbie Bravo found on the side of the highway, which can't be said for all the new additions on this show throughout the years.
After nine years on the show Kenya Moore is still kicking and feels lighter than ever. She may have been booted off Dancing With The Stars but Kenya's energy feels renewed and vibrant. I'm sure by episode three she'll be stirring up drama and fighting with half the cast but as of right now she's as chill as a cucumber. Maybe its the DWTS dick she's (allegedly) been receiving or maybe its because she's finally let go of her trauma from Marc? Whatever it is, it's working for her. Kenya's ex-husband may still be stalling on signing the divorce papers, however, he did manage to sign Brooklyn's release for the show because her cute little face popped up after being blurred for an entire season. Say what you want about Kenya but motherhood makes her glow and she's got an adorable daughter to show for it.
Every good premiere is topped off with a party and this time around it was Marlo's Le'Archive launch. Although the business name isn't grammatically correct, Le'Archive is a collection of Marlo's designer outfits which she hopes to rent out to people in the entertainment industry. Marlo Hampton was made to be a stylist so why shouldn't she offer her iconic clothes to people in movies and television? This idea makes perfect sense to me but it left all the women confused. While Marlo ran around looking like a popped cherry, the rest of the women sat around shading her latest (and only?) business venture.
Even though newbie Sanya was one of the main perpetrators, she went and carried the bone back to Marlo. I'm sure if the cameras zoomed out two inches we'd see producers whispering in Sanya's ear to stir up the drama and tell Marlo what the women were saying, which I appreciate, however, it's never a good look when you were one of the main ones talking shit. When Marlo came over to the women she tried to read them from left to right but ended up storming off in her swollen blood clot of a dress. The drama was light, fresh and fun which is exactly what it should be on a premiere. I'm sure Kenya hating on Marlo's event will eventually ruin their blossoming friendship but for right now I'm relishing in the absolute glee that was this premiere episode.
After four seasons of the Atlanta cast feeling disjointed and stale it was a relief to finally feel the fun energy the show used to have. The thing about this cast of women is that not only are they a cohesive, hilarious and authentic group but they all have such rich personal storylines that don't feel overly produced. It may be season 14 but it feels like we have finally returned to the OG days of RHOA and I couldn't be happier.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.