RHOC Premiere Recap: Desperate Housewives
It would be an understatement to say I am not looking forward to this season of The Real Housewives of Orange County, however, I'm reluctantly tuning in for the sole reason of talking shit about Kelly Dodd. Between this disaster of a cast, Orange County's overall stance on the pandemic and Kovid Dodd's disgusting social media presence surrounding the coronavirus and the Black Lives Matter movement, this season is going to be tough to watch and although I'm trying it out, I can't promise that I'll make it to the end.
The dramatic unexpected Jeana Keough narration and the vintage flashbacks at the beginning of the episode almost raised my hopes, until I remembered that all the women in the iconic moments of this montage won't be apart of this season. Jeana's narration gave me Mary Alice vibes from Desperate Housewives, which I was more than here for. Bravo is obviously trying to use a "new beginnings" spin in order to sell this shit show of a season to us. New women, new faces (literally), and new houses. Almost every Housewife moved during the off-season and this premiere gave us so many house tours I thought I was watching MTV Cribs.
Shannon decided to move into yet another astronomically overpriced rental in Newport Beach which is more stupid than Kelly's social media posts. Wouldn't it be smarter to buy a house you can afford with your divorce settlement instead of throwing thousands of dollars away a month just to keep up with the Joneses? Shannon better start hawking that frozen fish because if she loses her orange, which seems pretty likely with this dumpster fire of a show, her only income will be the money David throws at her every month. Shannon and Gina are both embracing the Brady Bunch lifestyle this season after they moved in with their new boyfriends and their children. Technically, Shannon isn't living with her new boyfriend but you know what I mean.
For some reason, Shannon can only refer to her boyfriend with his full name, John Janssen, which makes my eyes roll so far back they almost fall out my asshole. John Janssen isn't a celebrity, nobody gives a quarter of a fuck what his last name is and I'm really not on board for another Harry Fucking Hamlin situation. Shannon revealed she's the happiest she's ever been with John, however, this a woman who said the same thing after her vow renewal with David and spent the last few years saying she was "fine" while she threw plates at people and ran around like a mental patient who escaped from the asylum, so I would take this news with a massive grain of salt. And some lemon and a shot of tequila.
Kelly's fiance Rick Leventhal looks like a sloppy alcoholic with an infinity for booger sugar, so basically they're the perfect couple. He may be 60 but Kelly let everyone know he still fucks her like a 29-year-old. The resident cunt caller of the OC bragged about their sex life for the entire episode and it made me want to vomit in my mouth each and every time. Everyone has sex, it's a fact of life so we don't need to know that she's getting filled up by Fox News dick two to three times a day. I will say though, Rick seems like he'd be dirty in the bedroom and really good at giving head. Don't ask me why, I just have a sixth sense about these things. Also, fuck the myth of big hands, big dick, I'm a firm believer of big nose, huge cock and Rick has a massive schnoz on him.
For some reason, Gina and Emily have lasted three seasons on this show and I have no fucking idea why. Emily has the personality of a toothpick and I don't mind Gina, but these two women should never have become Real Housewives. Gina moved into a house that finally has furniture with her new boyfriend Travis who is a fun loving, nerdy guy which is exactly the type of man this Long Island import needs. Her first husband was an abusive, cheating asshole so at least now she's in a relationship with a man who actually values and cares about her, which is all she really needs. They're both living together with their combined six children, so it's a full on Brady Bunch situation under that roof.
Braunwyn made fun of Gina's home for being small while Shannon and her judgy eyes judged the home when Gina took her on a tour. First of all, it's so gross to see these women shading Gina's home considering she just got out of an abusive relationship and finally got her driver's license back, however, this show is built on talking shit and Gina's small home is the exact reason she shouldn't be holding an orange. How did we go from Heather Dubrow's mega mansion to a place where six kids share two bedrooms? What is this summer camp? Gina's sad story makes her likeable but it doesn't make her a good Housewife. If Shannon lived within her means and not in an outrageously expensive rental then she'd probably be in a shack like Gina too.
Emily had a dinner scene with her little bitch of a husband that was more fake and forced than Vicki Gunvalson's latest facelift. I hate this relationship and after two years of the entire world labelling Shane an asshole, they're both trying to do damage control and sell us the narrative that they're happily married, even though he still won't kiss her on TV. I don't care about her clusterfuck of a marriage, I don't care about her new hip and I really don't care about anything that comes out of her boring, monotone mouth. She's the Teddi Mellencamp of Orange County but with a Mormon husband instead of a famous dad.
We also met the new girl on the block, Elizabeth Vargas, and aside from Braunwyn she's the only cast member I'm actually invested in. Liz married a billionaire, used his money to start her business and left him after he got another woman pregnant even though he deprived her of having his kids. This is the Housewife we need. She's rolling in money, doesn't give a fuck about anything, has several homes, she's the life of the party and has a strong husky voice that sounds like she smokes a pack a day, which I'm always obsessed with.
I am here for Liz, however, the only downfall is her not wanting to fuck her boyfriend until she's legally divorced. Does that mean no blowjobs? I need specifics because this bitch is hornier than a dog in heat. Speaking of dogs, she's opening a dog rescue centre with her millions of dollars and is also waiting to sell her music company until after her divorce so her pig of an ex-husband can't get half, which is a total power move. Liz really surprised me and I didn't expect to stan this queen but here we are. Let's just hope she's as messy as she is likeable because we need someone to gather these OC bitches.
Aside from Liz and Braunwyn, the only person I trust on this show is Shannon's dog Archie, without him I don't know if I'd make it through the season. Shannon and Kelly resolved their issues and blamed everything on Tamra, which is a typical Housewives move. Blame your entire feud on a past cast member who isn't there to defend herself so you don't have to take accountability for your actions and can move on with the other person for the sake of reality television. As a truce, Kelly gave Shannon an uno deck to symbolise that she's the last remaining Tres Amiga which was solely a dig towards Tamra and Vicki and the fact that Shannon laughed was more disgusting than these "at home" garage confessionals.
Housewives love to indulge in revisionist history at the beginning of every season because if you actually remember, Shannon was the one who still refused to make up with Kelly even after Tamra already did and was against her for the entire season while Tamra "THAT'S MY OPINION" Judge actually defended the cunt caller until she got involved in a lawsuit that was none of her business because she thought Tamra was talking shit. Kelly's an idiot and she's only as smart as the last person she's spoken to, hence all her MAGA energy after she started sucking Fox News dick, so I don't expect anything else from the train conductor, however, I didn't expect Shannon to drop her Tres Amigas and climb inside Kelly's rectum as soon as the cameras went up, but whatever.
I should've taken a shot every time these women mentioned Tamra's name because I would've been shitfaced by the end of the episode. Kelly and Shannon obviously hate each other but they need to pretend to be friends for the sake of the show. Two things I really didn't need was hearing Kelly piss and Bravo letting Tamra go. She carried the show last season so I have no idea why they thought she was the one to let go, when Emily Simpson is still on this clusterfuck of a show.
The Housewife who really carried this episode was Braunwyn. Although she moved into an insane new mansion across the street from Shannon, the only thing anyone could talk about were her drinking habits. The producers made sure to emphasis the fact that she was drinking water throughout the entire episode and zoomed in on the other women's confused reactions before Braunwyn finally admitted to being an alcoholic. Although it's not a total surprise considering she's a Real Housewife, I was still shocked. It turns out the producers edited out A LOT of Braunwyn's drunk moments last season from the time she drunkenly fell asleep on some old guy's shoulder on a plane to an extended cut of Emily telling her to stop drinking at her breast feeding party.
While at Kelly's fiance's 60th birthday in Miami, Braunwyn apparently went on a four day bender and had to take a shot every hour to stop her body from shaking, which is a pretty good sign that you have a problem. She also reflected on having a warm beer at 14 and said it felt right, which is just evidence of how much Dr. Deb and her narcissism fucked up her daughter. Braunwyn said once she starts drinking she can't stop which is okay when you're in a fraternity but not when you're a 40-something-year-old Housewife with seven kids and her admitting that she'd continuously have babies so that she wouldn't have to drink was darker than Kelly's soul.
Braunwyn said she will never drink again and although it's always tough watching a Housewife be sober, I applaud her for her openness and transparency which gives me yet another reason to stan this progressive queen. Brown Wind is the future of the OC and if you can't see that, you're more narrow minded than Kelly Dodd.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!