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RHOD Premiere Recap: COVID Controversy

Although Dallas is definitely at the bottom of the Housewives food chain, I’ve always had a soft spot for this show, mainly due to the fact that it was led by the always chaotic and unhinged LeeAnne Locken. However, after a series of racially fuelled comments, the resident carny was let go and now all the leftover Housewives who used her crazy antics as their storyline for the last four years are going to have to try and create some kind of watchable TV or risk being flushed down the Bravo cancellation toilet just like Miami.

LeeAnne Locken was an all-star Housewife and I will die on that hill, but the true test of any Housewives franchise is taking out their star player and seeing if they can still deliver as they did when she was in the picture. Despite a global pandemic and a racism controversy, this season of Dallas seems light, fresh and fun, which I equate mostly to the summer weather and excess alcohol consumption amongst the women.

Without LeeAnne, Kameron Westcott is obviously the reigning queen of Dallas. Kam is in her own pink paradise at the best of times so the fact that she not only understands the definition of a pandemic but knows that we are in one is astounding to me. Unfortunately, her best friend, confidant and Sparkle Dog Food muse Louis passed away because her hobbit husband "forgot" to give him his medication. Kam may have been boujee enough to perform an autopsy on her 15-year-old Yorkshire terrier but what she really should've done is investigate the reasoning behind Court "forgetting" to medicate their ailing dog. If Court thought that subtly killing Louis would free his home from a dog, he was wrong, because Kameron got another puppy straight away.

I need to see how much money this family spends on their dogs in a year because between Louis's autopsy and the new dog's training fees, it’s probably more than D’Andra’s annual income. Kam’s dog trainer was hotter than an Arabian desert on a summer’s day and he could train me doggy style whenever he wants. Was that a gross sexually aggressive dog pun? Yes. Do I give a fuck? No. Aside from him giving Kam an accountability calendar for the dog and the dog in question pissing on a treadmill nothing really happened but I am praying for the dog trainer to make many doggy check-in visits throughout the season.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that this show is set in the south or if the Botox is just getting to these women’s brains but for some reason, everybody on this show thinks the world is ending. The only things COVID put an end to were social gatherings and many, many lives but these women continued to meet up with questionable PPE in tow. Yes, the ladies constantly taking off their masks and hugging each other isn’t really in line with the guidelines but if they’ve all been tested I don’t see a problem with it. At this point, there’s more hairspray in the air than there is COVID.

D’Andra went over to Mama Dee’s house so they could continue to engage in their passive-aggressive, problematic mother/daughter power struggle. Out of every storyline on this sorry show, I could watch these two queens subtly erode each other’s self-esteem all day long. D'Andra claimed her business was finally doing good after her mother gave her a $100K loan, however, then COVID hit and her struggling business went back down the drains of Housewives hell. This business is more tiring than a tantric sex session and D'Andra should really just cut her losses and sell that money pit of a company.

For now, Mama Dee and D'Andra are getting along, however, I know by episode three they'll be at each other's necks all over again. Mama Dee invited the new Housewife Dr. Tiffany Moon over for an afternoon backyard kiki which was her way of trying to passive aggressively deflate her daughter's self esteem. Every time Dee gushed over Tiffany a little piece of D'Andra's soul slowly but surely chipped away. Putting D'Andra's toxic warfare with her mother aside, Tiffany is a fucking queen and is definitely the new star of this show.

Not only is Tiffany the first Asian Housewife on this show but she graduated from Cornell university at 19, became a fully fledged doctor at 23, has two adorable twin daughters and is one rich bitch, and I am RICH. This was the perfect time for Tiffany to join this show because not only are they in need of some serious diversity but she can give us a unique perceptive on the current events in Dallas. Whether it's sharing stories from working on the front lines of the pandemic to explaining why someone of Asian heritage would find Brandi's video so offensive, Tiffany is perfect and she's definitely here to fucking stay.

Speaking of the show's resident redhead, Brandi is still reeling from being cancelled over her racist video where she mocked Asians for having "squinity eyes" which is just as problematic as it sounds. Not only did she cry throughout most of the episode but she also revealed that she contemplated suicide after social media went after her. Bravo could've tossed Brandi to the curb like they did LeeAnne, however, I think it's so important to bring problematic Housewives back to have a conversation about why what they did was so fucked up and not just fire them to act like they never existed.

Cancel Culture is the fucking worst. If Brandi cried and apologised everybody would say she was only doing it to protect her image but if she was stoic and emotionless then they'd say she hasn't shown any remorse. When you get cancelled you can't fucking win, so obviously Brandi is going to have haters regardless.

Listen, I think Brandi is a snake who will do anything to stay on TV, however, I do think she learned from her mistakes and is so disgusted in herself for ever thinking something like that was funny. Just because she did something bad, doesn't mean that we can dismiss the negative effects cancel culture has had on her mental health. I am no Brandi apologist and what she did was fucked up on so many levels, but she's definitely punishing herself for this more than anyone else ever could. Brandi is also such an ugly crier so for my own sanity, I really don't need to see this bitch sob on TV ever again.

In the midst of a global pandemic, Kameron Westcott decided to throw a yard sale. First of all, this bitch has more money than most of these women put together, so the $23K she made should definitely be put towards some kind of charity and not her own bank account. Secondly, who the fuck would think that having a bunch of strangers coming into your house and rifling through your things would be a good idea when there's a virus spreading through the world? Either Kam and her hobbit husband need the money or they're just more tone deaf than LeeAnne in Thailand last season.

Yes, I know that I've referred to Kam's husband as a hobbit twice now and although he may only be 5'3 I'm strangely attracted to him and do not know how to feel about it. I'll keep you posted. To end the episode, Stephanie decided to throw a BBQ at her house which involved all the women coming together to eat food, compare vaginas and cry. Actually, that was just Brandi. After four seasons, Brandi finally has a redheaded sister in arms with Jen Davis who joined the show as a friend. Jen seems like a fiery bitch who can take back a tequila shot, so I have no idea why this queen isn't holding a clipart star, but we may soon find out.

Within two minutes of the redheaded women joining forces, they were in Stephanie's pantry comparing their "drippy" vaginas. Apparently from their pantry flashing session, both women learned that they not only have gobbler pussies but also fire crotches. Okay, they never specified that last part but let's do the math. The thought of looking into a gobbler vagina is scarier than the thought of seeing Mama Dee without her wig, but I'm glad these two women could bond over their hair color and unique vagina shape. Everybody acted like it was weird for the two redheads to whip out their pussies at a group event, now, I don't think I've ever compared my dick to someone else's at a pool party but I'm definitely not above it.

All the ladies went around the table to share their experiences about COVID and I truly forgot Kary with a K existed until she opened her mouth. Out any Housewife in any franchise, I am shocked Kary with a K even made it onto the show let alone got another season. She's boring, she's annoying and her jewellery line is more low budget than Gina's casita. I don't care about her financially abusive relationship with her husband and I definitely don't give a fuck about her daughter with vocal fry sewing her own prom dress. Kary with a K is so lacklustre and Cary Deuber needs to return just to take her clipart star back from her replacement.

While we're on the topic of Kary with a K, she's a total hypocrite when it comes to this racism situation. Kary buried LeeAnne for her comments she made last season, and rightfully so, but she should have the same energy when it comes to Brandi. The only reason she's not holding Brandi to the same standard isn't because she's "shown remorse" it's because they're friends and because the racism wasn't directed towards her. Everyone came for LeeAnne last season, but Tiffany is really the only one willing to actually hold Brandi's feet to the fire.

After Brandi got her gobbler pussy out, she went outside with Tiffany to discuss her racist video. Tiffany could've roasted her or tried to start an argument but instead, she explained why the video was so offensive to her and many other Asian people. Tiffany revealed how kids in school bullied her for having "squinty eyes" which was so sobering to watch. Kids are the fucking worst and I don't think people realise how long lasting childhood trauma from the playground can be. Tiffany and Brandi both started crying over the sad story before Bravo slapped the dreaded "to be continued" caption across the screen making us all anxiously await next week's episode.