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RHOSLC Recap: Golf Rage

This is my first recap for RHOSLC as I was MIA for the first eight episodes and I am so excited to cover this mysterious, dramatic franchise. Have the last few episodes been more boring than watching Katie Maloney sew? Yes. But does this franchise have an excellent cast and drama brewing under the surface? Absofuckinglutely.

The Salt Lake City ladies finally found their way out of their midseason slump this episode and I could not be more grateful. Jen Shah may be doing the most for the Bravo cameras, but at least she's giving us the craziness all Bravoholics are addicted to. The first place I want to go once this clusterfuck of a pandemic is over is SLC. The scenery is breathtaking and the culture is intriguing but the only downside is the Mormon-controlled Utah liquor laws. I'm sorry, if I'm on vacation I want to be able to take back a strong cocktail, but I'm sure if I smuggle a flask in with me I'll be fine.

Meredith's son Brooks is the first gay child I can think of across the entire Housewives franchise, and while I love seeing an LGBT family dynamic on this show I cannot stand his exaggerated vocal fry, shit-stirring ways, and basic tracksuits. Brooks spent the last three episodes complaining about his dad missing his fashion show because he was separated from his mother so you would think he'd be overjoyed to see his parents back together. Nope. Brooks pouted like a six-year-old at seeing his parents exchange a minimal amount of affection, which proves to me that he doesn't really care about his dad missing his show, he just has negative Kourtney Kardashian energy.

Speaking of Meredith and Seth, they may have rekindled their relationship but they obviously still hate each other. Their conversation where they agreed to get back together was like a bad Young And The Restless episode, in fact, I've seen perfume commercials with more emotion. Meredith really missed her calling to be a soap star because her emotionless attitude, monotone voice, and blank stares would give Eileen Davidson a run for her fucking money. I give this marriage two seasons, but who knows maybe they'll become the Kyle and Mauricio of SLC. Time will tell.

Lisa Barlow's voice is what the Kardashians would sound like if they smoked a pack of Marlboro Reds every day and I cannot get enough of it. I love a queen with a raspy cigarette stained voice and I'm praying we see her aggressively smoking on-camera during an emotional breakdown. It's what we want and it's what we need. All Lisa really did this episode was take her kids to play with some penguins and reveal her eight-year-old wants a mini fridge in his bedroom, but I'm hopeful she's going to deliver some drama before the season's end. Was anyone else shocked to find out her older son Jack is 15 because he has a face like a Gerber Baby but the voice of James Earl Jones?

Mary is probably the weirdest Housewife we have ever come across but I guess that's what happens when you marry your step-grandfather. We are nine episodes in and the fact that she married her grandmother's husband doesn't get any less weird. Mary is obviously living with the trauma of marrying her relative and that's why she acts like a little girl trapped in a 50 something year old's body. Yes, she may be weird and the leader of a cult but I could watch her walking around her compound muttering to herself (and her great aunt/maid who she barely knows) for hours.

Mary's grandmother left her all her homes, restaurants, churches, business, and husbands when she died, which means Mary owns five or six houses across America that no one else is allowed to live in. I'm just as confused as you are, however, when you consider that all these lavish possessions may or may not have been acquired with cult money it all makes sense.

If Mary doesn't take the women on a trip to one of her many vacation homes next season then production really needs to reevaluate how they are making this show. Mary's grandfather husband thought it was weird that she cried about not being invited to Jen's party, but she is still a 19-year-old girl on the inside who never truly got to grow up because she was groomed into marrying her fucking grandfather. Of course, she's going to cry about weird shit like not being invited to a party that a woman she doesn't like is throwing.

Mary invited Whitney over to show off her master bedroom/hoarding den full of designer clothes and to tell her that Meredith and Lisa both said they're scared of Jen, which of course fuelled most of the drama for this episode. Nothing Mary does makes any sense but if she can afford to have a house full of designer clothes and multiple homes across the country, why the fuck does she keep choosing to wear those Party City wigs? Someone, please get this woman a stylist.

Heather Gay is my favorite Housewife on this franchise because she's a good time gal who's ridding herself of her Mormon roots and finally discovering who she wants to be as a woman. Plus, she loves a good cocktail and a good dick appointment, what's not to love? Heather is a queen who reminds me of the cool mom from Mean Girls but without the drinking problem.

For some reason, Heather's ex-husband Billy decided to appear on camera which I don't think his royal Mormon family would be too happy about. Heather explained that she only married Billy because he was cool, rich, tall, and Mormon royalty and even though they had a loveless marriage, I'm sure I'd fall in love with him for all those reasons too. Although they seemed to have a nice co-parenting relationship going on, the more information Heather revealed about their marriage, the more I realized that Billy is a controlling asshole who grew up in a religion that treats men like gods and women like servants.

The fact he can walk around the Mormon community and still be hailed as a king while Heather is ostracized completely just because she's a woman is beyond fucked up. However, if you can't be apart of a religion that accepts you for you, then it's time to throw caution to the wind and turn into a good Mormon gone bad, which is exactly what Queen Heather did. Also, if my husband withheld sex from me because we watched a movie with a glory hole scene in it, I'd be glad to have a three-week vacation from having him sweat and moan on top of me while he misses the G spot.

To end the episode, Jen decided to throw her husband a golf/90s themed surprise birthday party. I don't trust anyone who loves to play golf and Jen's FaceTime marriage to Shariff confuses the fuck out of me. The few days that he is home she's a doting wife who pretends to be sweet and then when he's away, she's a binge drinking, glass throwing monster who everybody is too afraid to be around. The focal point of this party wasn't the 90s fashion or even her husband's birthday, it was Whitney drinking like a fish to try and muster the courage to tell Jen that Meredith and Lisa allegedly told Mary that they are scared of her.

If you're so afraid of your friend that you need to get shit faced in order to tell her that your other friends are also afraid of her, then obviously this is not a friendship worth having. I'm grateful that Whitney got drunk enough to stir the pot and spill this tea, however, she should've known that the messenger always gets shot and that she was going to wind up with everyone hating her for doing so. Whitney is doing the lord's/producer's work and I appreciate it more than Heather appreciates a nice, strong penis.

Whitney knows that Jen is unhinged so how did she think telling her this information at her husband's birthday party would go down? Instead of calmly taking in the news and deciding to spend the night with her husband, Jen did what everyone knew she would do and started throwing glasses and screaming. Doesn't Jen realize that by exhibiting this behavior she's not becoming an "iconic" Housewife, she's just proving why everyone should be afraid of her? If you’re scream yelling in a public setting on a regular basis you need to take a look inward and find out why all your "friends" are scared to talk to you.

While Whitney still had some liquid courage aka tequila in her system, she decided that it was a perfect time to tell Meredith that Jen had said she was dating a guy on the side. Jen was already in the midst of a rampage, so what did Whitney think she was going to do when she found out this information got back to Meredith? Although Jen threw a glass and acted like a Tasmanian devil, she can't really be mad because she told Whitney to ask Meredith about her marriage, so she has no one to blame but herself. Tequila Whitney gives zero fucks and I am loving her messy, pot-stirring ways because someone needed to make something happen on this show.

As soon as Meredith was given this tea, she tried to get the fuck out of the party. Meredith always sounds like she's mixing prescription medication with martinis. I don't know if she's actually popping valiums between takes or if thats just her voice but either way I love a queen who slurs while wearing a monogrammed Fendi pantsuit. This party was the worst possible time for Whitney to spill all this tea, which is why it made for such a great reality TV moment. The last few episodes of SLC have been lackluster as fuck, so it was about time someone created some kind of drama, which I'm sure will carry us through to the end of the season. Snaps for Whitney.

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