RHONJ Premiere Recap: Let Them Throw Cake
Jersey is back baby! These sassy, over the top, group of ethnically diverse women have assembled for the eighth season and are truly planning on making this season one for the Housewives history books.
The episode started with the devastating loss of Teresa's mother. No matter if your 15 or 50, it's always so sad when someone loses a parent. They flashed past the funeral and Teresa and Joe helped move their dad into Teresa's home. Dozens of flowers got delivered to the Giudice compound for her mother and one of them came from Jersey's first villian, Danielle Staub. Gia had to remind the grandpa that "she's the girl mom flipped the table on." Bravo reminded us of their epic feud and how they recently became yoga buddies. Teresa is over their beef and wants to be friends. I think it is all fake and Danielle just needed a way to get back onto the show, but I am down for pretending that I believe it.
Over at Dolores' house, her cheating ex-husband has moved back in but they aren't together. Dolores is dating a cute doctor and Frank still has a girlfriend so everything is above board. Dolores' hot son Frankie has some sort of underlying beef with his dad, so I think that is gonna play out this season. Can we all agree that Dolores is gorgeous, I mean she is stunning in every single scene.
Siggy and her husband Michael were having a romantic dinner and her daughter Sophie went to a sleepover. Siggy is the quintessential Jewish mama bear and I love it! Last season Michael kept behind the scenes but it looks like he is coming into the spotlight. Siggy being Siggy, bought boat loads of Penn State merchandise, even though her son isn't officially going to Penn State - this is why I love Siggy Flicker. Melissa Gorga is still going strong at Envy even though her ex partner stole all her clothes and ran over to Kim D. That is just crazy, I mean just imagine Jackie loading her car with all of Melissa's clothes while wearing that stupid tutu.
Melissa, Siggy and Dolores all rallied around Teresa along with a bunch of other friends that all went by the name Lisa. Siggy had the idea for all the girls to head down to Boca Raton but let's be real, none of those extras were joining the gang on the trip. Siggy held a book signing and her friend of a friend, Margaret Josephs showed up and "just happened" to be in Palm Beach next week so she scored an invite to the girls trip to Boca. Margaret is a 50-year-old woman who wears pigtails and gives zero fucks. She runs her own clothing business and had an affair with her builder who is now her husband. I mean did they find this girl in a soap opera? Even though I am a staunch #TeamSiggy fan, I have to say I'm digging newbie Margaret. Sorry Sig!
I think this was a Housewives first that all the girls went on a vacation - in the first episode! The girls headed down to Siggy's second home in Boca and hit the ground running. Melissa sent her first ever nude pic to Joe Gorga and the girls were ready to hit the town. The ladies went to Siggy's favourite restaurant and she made it clear that it was her favourite restaurant. When Siggy makes an entrance, she makes an entrance. She was screaming and excited to see EVERYONE at the restaurant. Melissa and Margaret were embarrassed but I would definetly want to take a trip with Siggy to Boca. I mean she even managed to bring some randoms food over to their table in all the chaos.
While eating Teresa opened up about how spending time in prison made her miss valuable time with her mother and she blames Juicy Joe. Siggy also talked about how Michael wants her to cut back on her appearances which I have mixed emotions about. I'm happy to see that Siggy respects her husband and listens to him but if helping people makes her happy then they should at least have a conversation before she rules out her appearances all together.
The next day was Melissa's birthday and she was busy celebrating her first ever nude with her husband Joe. After her FaceTime session all the girls went down to breakfast and their old enemy was making a comeback. Danielle came out of nowhere, but before you get too excited she was invited - this isn't a Jill Zarin situation. It wasn't long before Danielle was laughing with all the girls. Dolores, the only sane one in the group, recognised that they were eating with a known sociopath. It wasn't long before Danielle launched into Kim D's latest drama that was all over the news. Kim D's car was burnt out with two bodies inside. Melissa said that the "cock-a-roach" wouldn't go away and that Siggy kisses her ass. Miss Siggy Flicker was pissed but didn't go there because it's Melissa's birthday. I can see this issue coming up a lot in the future.
Finally, Margaret rejoined the group and the girls took a boat to Fort Lauderdale. Danielle didn't miss a beat and asked Margaret why she doesn't drink. The newbie explained that the only drug she needs is her "Pot-Puss." Apparently her husband sprays something on her pus and it gives her the best orgasms. I need this topic to come up again!
Siggy got Melissa a cake for her birthday and it was an art piece, however it was ruined in minutes because let's face it, we are watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Melissa and Teresa got into a food fight and Siggy was pissed. I felt most upset for the little pastrie chef that spent hours replicating the Envy wallpaper, only for it to end up on Teresa's dress. Siggy said that they have no class, while she ran around cleaning the cake off the floor. Margaret told her to "take it fucking down a notch" and Siggy told her to fuck herself. This looks like the start of an amazing beef and I have got my popcorn ready for next week.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday nights at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.