RHONJ Recap: Opening Night


The ladies are all back from their Italian vacation and Melissa is reflecting on the edge that she has over the other New Jersey boutiques because of their trip. What the fuck? She bought a couple of clothes and now she thinks she's Super Jersey? Next! Joe Gorga rocked up to Envy and wanted Melissa to help with the restaurant opening. They also talked about how he was mad that she went to Italy because of all the work he was doing at the restaurant. Did he really think Melissa wouldn't go on a cast trip that she planned? I know Joe's a meatball but that is just a stupid. He also thinks that him and Melissa should work together in all their ventures but did he help out with Envy. I don't think so Mr Gorga!

Teresa did the photoshoot for the cover of her latest book which he all know she didn't write. Don't come for me Trehuggers. I got her book for Christmas so I'll you know how it is, but it doesn't seem too promising. Siggy stopped by the shoot and the two girls started chatting about Teresa's jailbird hubby Joe. She is so done with him. You can tell it by watching the show that she is so much happier with him in prison and I'm pretty sure that her storyline next season will be a divorce. His time has really flown by in prison because I'm pretty sure that he only has a little over a year left. That was so quick, it felt like Teresa was locked up for longer and that was only 11 months.

Dolores, the moral compass of the show, took her two Frank's on a college tour and got emotional about the idea of her little gym junkie going off into the big wide world. My new Jersey favourite (sorry Siggy) also went on a walk with her ex husband Frank and they were able to have open discussions about their new love interests. I think that is so great. Yes he screwed most of New Jersey while they were married, but the divorce allowed him to grow the fuck up and be a proper parent to his two children. I would love to see Dolores and Frank back together but she seems committed to her new doctor boo. Her new man is an OBGYN so I guess both the men in Dolores' life spent a large amount of time looking at other women's vaginas while they were with her.

Margaret cried to her ex husband Jan Josephs. I don't know why I needed to say his last name and I also don't know why Marge kept his last name? That's kinda weird considering she cheated on him with her current man. Marge asked if there was a chance that she could reconnect with his kids and he could not have given less of a fuck. This women cheated on him and now she's crying about not seeing his kids? I can understand his non fuck giving stance on the situation. He said he'd talk to the kids but I don't see anything happening. Hopefully Marge reconnects with the kids next season so that this storyline amounts to something more than seeing a 50-year-old pigtailed woman cry.

The weirdest part of the episode was seeing Teresa drive across the freeway to Danielle's shitty apartment on the other side of New Jersey. The Prostitution Whore's kids are still made that Tre called their mom a Prostitution Whore because they spent countless years being bullied. Who are we kidding. The show wouldn't still be here if Teresa didn't call her a that. Teresa became the star of the show because of that epic moment and now she has to apologise? Are those kids sure they didn't get bullied because their own mother was arrested for kidnapping, prostitution and drug dealing. Does ANYONE remember A Cop Without A Badge?

Only one of the Prostitution Whore's kids showed up and Teresa gave her the worst apology I've ever seen and this is the real housewives we are talking about. Tre also needs to learn not to say "you know" after every word. There should be a drinking game for every time that she says it. The daughter forgave Teresa, and Danielle started to mentally plot the demise of her new "bestie". We all know that this snake is going to take down Teresa, let's be real. After nearly a decade of bitter hatred you want me to believe that they are suddenly best friends. No fucking way. Next season will be Teresa vs Danielle make my words.

It was finally the night of the Gorga Restaurant Opening. Marge Sr was ready to pull Siggy's extensions out when she was getting ready for the party but her daughter told her to go easy. Also, Margaret looked like an albino without her eyebrows drawn on which literally scared the shit out of me. Everyone arrived at the restaurant and Melissa, Teresa and Joe all had a stupid beef about Melissa not working for the restaurant. Ugh. Who cares. It was so stupid I didn't even pay any attention to it. I also ship Teresa and Frank so hard. I really want that to happen. Siggy spent the entire night dodging Marge Sr which even her loyalist supporter Dolores found rude. OH I FORGOT! Siggy spoke to her Holocaust survivor dad about her beef with Marge and he told her to stay away from her pigtailed foe, so I'm guessing that's why she pretended like she didn't exist at the opening.

Danielle tried to instigate some drama and get Siggy to talk to Marge Sr but it wasn't gonna happen. Production sources also leaked that Danielle had sex with her fiancé in the bathroom at the opening which was in the midseason trailer, but it must have been edited out. Are you seriously telling me that she isn't a Prostitution Whore? All up it was a pretty lukewarm episode, but we have the season finale next week so let's hope that we get to see some major fireworks.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.