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RHONJ Recap: Bitch Of Bimini

The producers wasted no time by kicking this episode off with a bang and by bang I mean Margaret's brunch. The dynamics of this group are weird, the group has finally become somewhat cohesive and believable but I don't know Danielle's place. Her wedding is supposed to be the main focus of the season but she's less than a friend, she's met the new girls approximately 0.6 times, is feuding with Margaret and Dolores and is living inside Teresa's muscly asshole.

I understand we need the resident prostitution whore in the group to instigate drama but she just doesn't fit, her attempts to stir the pot are so transparent and nobody even cared to engage with her by saying "you weren't there" when she'd try and get involved in the mess for more camera time. Danielle's not likable, relatable, funny or even entertaining, she's like a sultana crammed into the bottom of the packet that you just can't get out. I can't gage her place in the group and I don't really want to. Danielle hadn't even been in the room 10 minutes when Dolores already said she'd had a dick in her face 50 times and was allergic to many things but a penis was not one of them. I may hate Danielle but I'm happy if we keep her around just to be Dolores' punching bag.

At Margaret's brunch, the ladies put on facemasks which is a bold move because to wear a cement mask on your face and waste the two hours of time it took their makeup artists to make them camera ready really shows that they give zero fucks or the producers just really needed the facial company's advertisement and product placement. After Danielle recited her professional victim routine of complaining about being allergic to everything under the sun, the ladies sat down to eat their omelettes and naturally the fighting started. Dolores said Melissa was fake and "Little Miss Perfect" which was weird and uncomfortable, normally I agree with everything that comes out of her Miss Catania's mouth but it just didn't make sense or have a place in the conversation, however, I do appreciate Dolores' bringing her A-game to the table.

And why is this the conversation of strippers so weird in the group? Melissa said she didn't have strippers at her bachelorette because Joe wouldn't marry her and Jennifer said if she was "around" them it would be disrespecting her husband. It's a naked man running around in a thong, you don't have to fuck him. I don't understand how it's disrespect unless his penis somehow ends up in her Turkish bagel but I guess the fat Jafar is just threatened by the juiced up hunks. And Joe divorcing Melissa over strippers is all about his caveman ego because he's an admitted stripper. The gross old school mentality on this show is really draining on me and I don't know why it's become such a focus this season.

Seemly out of nowhere, Teresa started screeching in her high pitched voice, rambling about family to Jackie for "talking about her husband" and instead of yelling back and only fuelling the table flipper's annoying ego, Jackie calmly sat there and told her she wouldn't be spoken to that way because it's not intelligent and that Teresa doesn't make the rules everybody in the group has to follow. Halle-fucking-ullah.

Jackie is smart and stood her ground against the annoying queen bee. Teresa doesn't like when anybody disagrees with her and can't handle it when somebody somewhat challenges what she's saying, it's exhausting and it's the reason this show has been so terrible the last few seasons because nobody has the courage or stamina to hold her accountable for what she says. Jackie had the sensible opinion that you can't tell someone to control their husband when yours is locked up. It's that simple and Teresa's not smart enough to realise what she's actually saying but instead jumps straight to "don't talk about my husband."

Jackie is what we needed and she is proving to be the second coming of Caroline Manzo. She's Jersey's Teddi Mellencamp, she's keeping Tre accountable, however, instead of shaking and shitting her pants when someone remotely raised their voice like the Beverly Hills resident, Jackie held her own and had an intelligence clapback. Who knew that the new Jew would be the answer to many of Jersey's longstanding problems? Of course, Teresa got mad at Melissa for not defending her. She didn't defend Melissa when Dolores was asserting her opinion into family drama but Tre claimed that was because she's known them for longer. Bullshit. Teresa isn't angry about what Jackie said because of the amount of time she's known her, she's mad because she didn't agree and if Dolores was saying what Jackie did, she'd have the same reaction. She's a hypocrite, she wants Melissa to support her but she never stands up for her sister-in-law in return.

Like clockwork, Danielle couldn't miss her oppurnity to step into the drama. She's not defending Teresa because they're friends, she's not defending Teresa because that's her the only alliance she has to work with right now and Danielle needs all the camera time she can get. Even Jackie couldn't be bothered engaging with her and when that failed, then the prostitution whore decided to turn her sights on Melissa and insinuate some kind of lesbian relationship between the two. She'll say anything for shock value and a reaction but nobody was even biting. Danielle sucks and out of everybody on the cast she was the one who's actually eaten carpet, don't think I don't remember the season two reunion and her tortured 2010 lesbian lullaby.

Dolores decided to visit a women's shelter which was touching and Jennifer organised her brother's arranged marriage but there's only so much I can talk about in one recap. Danielle and her "bridesmaids" arrived in Bimini for her wedding and she's more annoying than Jennifer's four-year-old daughter. She's really hamming up her high maintenance bridezilla behaviour for the camera and its faker than her high cheek bones and hard breasts. Everything isn't as big of a deal as she's making it. You're 56-years-old and it's your THIRD wedding, shouldn't she be calm and tranquil instead of wreaking havoc on the island of Bimini, no wonder this marriage only lasted four months which makes her annoying ways even more redundant.

After Joe Gorga started licking Melissa's dirty plane feet like they were popsicles and Danielle bit a hole through her tongue, the gang sat down for dinner where they started talking about Danielle's stupid idea to have all the ladies do a Baywatch style photo shoot in honour of her wedding. Give me a fucking break. These are all women of a particular age and she's acting like this wedding is the second coming of Christ. She's lucky to get wedding pictures on the day rather than drawing this thing out for a storyline. It would be one thing if everybody liked Danielle and she was in a loving relationship but they're only there because they're being paid and Danielle's only walking down the aisle for a storyline not because she actually cares about the 20th sucker to give her an engagement ring.

Although two of Marty's children attended the wedding, all three of his children don't like the prostitution whore who is about to be their mother and I'm sure she gives them total Cinderella step-mother vibes. The kids don't like her and they aren't alone, they must be fans of the show and know exactly who the crazy bitch their father is about to marry really is but even if they are total assholes to her, she's the adult and always has to be the bigger person. You can't fight fire with fire, two wrongs don't make a right and all those other cliches apply in this situation. Margaret is right, you never stop trying to heal a family and Danielle saying if they don't like her they need to stay out of her space shows how much of a selfish bitch she really is and obviously didn't give a single fuck about taking a father away from his children. Thank fuck this marriage only lasted four months so that family didn't have to deal with having Danielle Staub in it any longer.

Teresa, Melissa and Joe also made up. I think. Their fighting definitely isn't over for the season as evidenced in the mid-season trailer but after Teresa finally explained her side of the story with sense by saying she wants Joe to see his dad due to the lost time she had with her mother from going to jail, it totally made sense and if Teresa had come out and said that from the start we wouldn't have had seven episodes of a confusing subplot about her wanting Melissa to control her husband. Teresa may actually have a good and valid point but it gets lost in her hot-headed personality, weird old school beliefs, inability to understand what other people say and her deep-seated jealously for Melissa. I literally don't understand how anyone stans this woman.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

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