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Shade of the Week: Danielle Staub's Wedding

Due to me taking a New Years vacation I wasn’t able to recap this week’s RHOA or RHONJ, which kind of explains why I’ve somewhat fallen off the face of the earth, however, after watching Danielle Staub’s shit show of a wedding there’s nothing else that could possibly be 2019’s first Shade of the Week.

Danielle sucks, we know this and her wedding was no exception. The lead up to the wedding was rough, she’s a 56-year-old woman who’s been engaged 20 times and married twice before so there’s no need for her to make a big deal out of the day, have bridesmaids or even wear white. You would think by your third wedding you’d be marrying for love and the day would be tranquil because all you care about is each other. Unless you’re the resident prostitution whore of New Jersey.

Danielle needed a storyline to give her some kind of air time because she’s still stuck being a “friend of” so having an over the top, made for TV wedding to secure your storyline was a smart idea on her part, but we can all see through the fake bullshit. This wedding was faker than Danielle’s current face and if her bad bridezilla acting wasn’t enough then the fact that Teresa, Melissa and Margaret were her bridesmaids should make that pretty clear because she’s only known two of them for a year and spent the last decade trashing the table flipper on Twitter before she became her “best friend” to get back on the show.

Apart from the fakery, we all know this wedding was a mess. She only married him for a TV storyline and his bank account which was pretty clear when Joe Gorga and the other little Joe both literally told him that to the groom’s face which caused him to throw a drink on Marge’s little Joe. I love a drink throw on these shows but not by men. What the fuck is this? That was a little bitch move and it’s the only thing I could possibly think the couple would have in common because he’s a quiet businessman while she’s an ex-member of the Miami drug cartel with a criminal record, fake name and thirst beyond compare.

Everything about the wedding was wrong. The nine bridesmaids, the beach location because who wants to wear heels on the beach or have to take them off, how Joe Gorga suddenly became the star of the show and that disgusting Bride Squad shoot. You aren’t in your twenties. You’re closer to the casket than you are spring break so why the fuck would you make your bridesmaids run around on a beach to take photos that probably took longer to be developed than the marriage lasted. And it was pretty clear it was all for the cameras when she couldn’t have given a fuck about her non-Housewife friends not being in the photos and only really cared about taking snaps with her coworkers for more camera time.

There’s nothing Danielle won’t do for camera time and accusing Margaret of fuelling her husband with thoughts that she is after Marty for his money is a prime example of that. Do I think Danielle really believes that? No. Is she a quick-thinking individual who can turn anything around and create drama out of it? Fuck yes. It’s her special skill and she should put it on her resume. If she has one because I don’t know if you need one for being in a gang, collecting your ex’s spousal support or working as a “friend of” on a Bravo reality show. Danielle needed drama this season because Dolores wasn’t even going to give her the satisfaction of a fight, she couldn’t start with Teresa because she’s the only one who somewhat likes her, so she feuded with Margaret because she’s only been around for one season and it was an expendable friendship.

The fact that this marriage only lasted four months is delicious especially considering the producers juxtaposed Danielle’s vows with Margaret saying she knows the marriage won’t last and fears for Marty’s safety. Could there be a more clearer fuck you than Bravo using Marge’s bitchy (but truthful) comments in the middle of Danielle’s wedding. This was the most staged Bravo wedding I’ve ever seen, even Kim Zolciak’s had more character, however, she provided us with entertainment even if it was just revelling in how much we hate her and her stupid bunion. A lot of things were wrong with the wedding but squeezing her bunion into a closed heel was a dark moment I’d rather not revisit.

Congratulations Danielle, you got 56 seconds of camera time and secured yourself a divorce storyline for next season to find another man to extort money out of. She's definitely the worst person on Bravo, she even trumps Vicki Gunvalson, and I'll forever be perplexed how she somehow convinced 20 people to want to spend the rest of their lives with her.