RHONJ Finale Recap: Red Wedding
Margaret Josephs is a fucking legend. Enough said.
The Marge has officially taken over as the reigning queen of New Jersey while Teresa is busy eating the dingleberries from Danielle's boney ass. From her pool house infatuation to throwing red wine on the Prostitution Whore and finally pushing a human penis into a pool, Margaret has officially solidified herself into the Housewives Legends Hall of Fame and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Before we dive into the Red Wedding that was Jennifer's 16th wedding anniversary (eye roll) the producers had to make us suffer through everyone wrapping up their "storylines" so we could appreciate Margaret pushing a grown man in a body of water.
Jackie took her mother for a makeover, which is how mother/daughter day should be spent. They spun that bitch around and she looked 20 years younger, it's a miracle what a thin layer of makeup, an appropriate bob and highlights will do, however, I could've sworn they gave Mama Goldschneider a slight nose job in the makeover process which I'm not opposed to because rhinoplasty is the cornerstone of Jewish culture. Just kidding, don't rip me a new asshole I'm not the second coming of Hitler. Jewish people are my favourite people and with Soggy Flicker out the door, Jersey needed a nice Jewish family to keep this show grounded.
Marge invited her stepson Brent over and is still trying to make him have a relationship with his father. Ugh. Margaret is an icon but if they don't get along and don't enjoy each other's company, why push it just because forty-something years ago Brent lived in his balls? They should definitely attend family events together and maybe have the occasional phone call, however, they don't need to go to brunch or have a golf day. That being said, I definitely want Margaret to reconnect with ALL her children because she can do no wrong in my book, even if she fucked the plumber. Also, I don't trust people who can drink vodka straight, maybe that's Jan's issue with Brent?
Dolores admitted she wants to move out of her house which is a GREAT move. Dolores needs a cute little two bedroom condo close to the city with one door in and one door out and a cute colour scheme. She doesn't need a large, hollow house to remind her that the only person in her life is her ex-husband with way too many colourful tattoos. In the spirit of Valentines Day, Frank Catania could nail me like a jackhammer but those colourful tattoos are hard to stomach, just like I imagine his cum would be. Too much? Also, can Dr David show his face on this show in passing or at least see her more than once a week because if not Dolores needs to jump in bed with Frank ASAP.
I am so over Jennifer and her frumpy family. Yeah, everyone always says don't go for the children but when they are screaming in public and negatively affecting my eardrums, they're fair game. All children are not gifts, in fact, most are snot-nosed little fucks who need to be taken down eighteen notches. Are you telling me in that huge Paramus estate not one person could find a fucking comb? The little Milania wannabe daughter is rough. Why is a five-year-old so materialistic? Sure, we all wanted toys when we were little but why is every conversation with this girl about Amazon and Target? Can't she go play instead of bargaining to finish her dinner for a shopping spree in return? I finally understand the husband Fat Jafar, he's not a dick his wife is just insufferable, however, he does need to spend more time with his children and although he promised to, we all know there's more chance of Juicy Joe staying in America than there is of Jersey's Paul Nassif conversing with his children.
Melissa also had to tell Joe (once again) not to be an asshole about his daughter wanting to do things anyone should be able to do and is still trying to rewire his brain into not being an old fashioned pig. Joe Gorga is delicious, funny and easily my favourite House husband in any realm, however, why are we still having to tell men it's not okay to be sexist in 2019, especially in front of their impressionable tween daughters? Melissa also spat into a test tube of a home DNA test hoping she could find her sister on the off chance this woman ALSO completed the same test and they would be a match.
What the fuck? Is this really the best she could do, spitting into a test tube in the season finale? Hire a fucking PI and get to work instead of babbling about this estranged sister for three months on end to no avail. This "sister" doesn't exist because if she did, she would've come out of the woodwork many moons ago. Unless the married man Marge Sr had an affair with was Melissa's dad and Margaret Josephs is the third sister, then I would TOTALLY be down for that plot twist and family storyline.
Jennifer's 16th wedding anniversary party looked like the inside of a menstruating vagina. That room was more red than the state of Texas and if you're going to pick a themed colour, why red? I get that's the colour of love, blah blah blah, but it's also the colour of ketchup and alcoholism. And nobody celebrates their 16th anniversary with a wild party. Nobody does that unless you're on a reality show and you need an excuse to throw an event for camera time. Nonetheless, all the ladies attended while Jennifer was in her best outlet store Jovani gown. While in her satin bloodbath of a dress, Jen also introduced us to her interior designer who definitely hates her because whoever styled her marble monstrosity of a home with tacky white furniture is not her friend.
Apart from the room looking like an active period, the only other thing on people's minds was Danielle Staub and her hard, square tits that filled up the room. Those boobs look like they have a brick of cocaine in them instead of an implant, which I wouldn't put past the resident Prostitution Whore and she needs to run her ass over to Botched because those things are the definition of an eyesore. Nobody likes this woman, she's a toxic force of energy with bad Botox and although she makes great TV due to her thirst for fame, no one can deny she is a horrible human being who needs to be institutionalised. The ladies spent most of the party convincing Teresa to not bring Danielle around "the group" which is reality TV speak for "get this bitch off the show."
Teresa Giudice saying everyone else is in the Twilight Zone was the most stupid thing I've ever seen and showed she doesn't even know the definition of self-awareness, because if she did she wouldn't be backing this horse. Teresa's never been the smartest Housewife in the room but she looks like a fucking idiot for continuing to touch the fire when every person in the room is telling her they all have third-degree burns. Out of six women, why would you want your allegiance to be with Crazy Danielle and Tacky Jennifer? Is Teresa smoking crack before showing up to set or she's just following the producer's instructions because nothing can explain this?
The most horrifying part of the entire finale was Danielle and Teresa claiming history is repeating itself] by Danielle being targeted. Yes, history is repeating itself because ten years later Danielle Staub is still bat shit crazy and nobody wants to surround themselves with her. No one. She was toxic a decade ago and she's still just as dangerous now and Teresa blaming their beef on Caroline and Jacqueline manipulating her to hate Danielle is fucking ridiculous because Jacqueline was the one who was friends with Danielle and Teresa was telling her not to be. It's almost like Teresa and Danielle don't think there were cameras filming their every interaction because they are rewriting history like it's a fucking novel.
Not only does no one want this vile woman around, but everyone also doesn't want to be around her husband either. Who the fuck does Marty Caffrey think he is? Obviously, Danielle hasn’t been letting him drink from her devil's cup bc he’s thirsty as fuck. Seeing him talk down to Joe B like he has some kind of authority was rough but calling Margaret ugly and then doubling down on that statement was disgusting. Calling someone's wife ugly is bad enough but saying Danielle Staub is beautiful is just unforgivable. While Bunion stayed inside poisoning Teresa's bird brain trying to hang on to her last shred of fame, Joe and Marge were fighting with Marty as they edged closer and closer to the pool. Seeing these small men fight is like watching Little Women LA and I was so relieved when Marge pushed that fat dick of a man into the pool with her husband. An icon.
The push itself was okay but the nonchalant aftermath of Marge walking past Danielle and passively saying "Ya husband's in the pool" was one of the best things I've ever seen and she needs to start making t-shirts to exploit her new one-liner. Margaret is kicking goals this season and if you don't agree, you're wrong. Of course, Teresa and Danielle started screaming like banshee's while Marty ran around looking like a wet rat. Teresa was horrified everyone would tell her Danielle is toxic when Margaret doused someone in red wine and pushed another person in a pool. Um, do I need to remind Teresa she threw a table at someone because she was told to pay attention, at least Marge had valid reasoning.
This season was sent from the heavens and I'm genuinely sad it's over. It was spectacular and the only problem was the sad Word 2007 font in the where are they now cards.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.