Below Deck Med Recap: June June Fired
After not answering her radio to June June Hannah all season, June June left the boat. I understand yachting is all about business but it's bullshit that June was let go instead of Anastasia. The third stew who can't cook decided to take the chef position, no one put a gun to her head, so as soon as she took that new job role, she shouldn't have been allowed to go back to her old one whenever she pleases. If Anastasia didn't want to be the chef anymore then her ass should've been on dry land faster than you can say June June, Hannah.
This poor girl and her clogged ears flew halfway across the world at a moments notice only to be fired three weeks later when Princess Anastasia decides she's done playing chef and wants to go back to her old job. It's wrong, it's cruel, it's disrespectful and it's pathetic that we are stuck watching an annoying, self-righteous asshole named Anastasia for the next few weeks when June was just starting to grow on me. Was she sleeping with her eyes open? Absolutely. Was she good at her job? Fuck no, but June knew how to set a great Mardi Gras table and gave us the most iconic quote of the season and that's all that really matters. You can't have June June Hannah without June.
To make matters worse, Anastasia didn't even try to feel bad that someone was losing their job because she's an indecisive fuck who failed as the chef for three charters in a row. If you're the reason someone is no longer employed, won't you give them a sympathetic hug or suggest you go instead? Anastasia sucks harder than an industrial vacuum and she's just as bad at being a third stew as she was at being a chef. For the short time Mila 2.0 was in charge of the galley, she belittled everyone and acted like a condescending cunt saying her job required actual brainpower, so it is more than satisfying seeing her suck in a role that she herself declared was for idiots. Luckily for us, karmas a bitch and she knows where exactly where Anastasia lives. '
Oh, Colin also tried to save June's job but telling Captain Sandy he should be fired instead but the conversation lasted five seconds before she told him to stay on the boat. It was nice and generous for Colin to sacrifice his position for June but he still acts like a 13-year-old nerd who sleeps with the lights on and wets the bed.
This week's charter guests were a bunch of middle-aged divorcee cougars who only wanted two things the entire time: cocktails and cock. My favorite kind of people. They brought two cars of luggage with them along with an unquenched thirst for penis. These women were rich as fuck, had the perfect amount of plastic surgery and drank like they had livers of steel, so in other words, it was like watching a Housewives vacation on a boat. Every man that walked past them turned into a piece of meat and those bitches were ready to claw each other's eyes out over who could give the first blowjob to anyone on deck with a penis, they probably would've even settled for a night with Captain Sandy in the bridge. I can't stress it enough, these women were literally handing their vaginas to Ben when he came out to greet them and I loved every second of it.
Fuck I almost forgot, Ben came back to replace Anastasia in the galley and this seasoned reality star knows exactly how to please not only the guests but his audience on the other side of the TV. Ben is an absolute character who comes out with more one-liners than a dictionary and isn't afraid to yell at anyone nearby when he's pissed off, a quality I can really appreciate. In case you haven't kept up with your Below Deck history, Ben appeared on the initial series four times and managed to bang Kate Chastain before he jumped over to the Mediterranean spinoff in season one where it seemed Hannah also wanted a piece of the British hunk. Is Ben a hunk? A daddy? Fuck, I don't know what he is but he's definitely a drunken mistake I wouldn't be mad about. Even with the loss of June, thank fuck for Ben because he is going to ensure we have more than enough drama to last us the season.
Aside from Ben's arrival and the charter guests trying to get their muffins wet, nothing really happened. Travis got kicked out of his room and forced to share with Ben so that Aesha could move in with her boyfriend (?) Jack. Naturally, the drunk Australian was sad about the move considering he and the professional slacker could no longer have late-night chats together or look at each other's cocks. Travis said you aren't true friends until you've seen each other naked and that's a fact I completely back up. Sorry to break it to you but if you haven't seen your female friend's nipples or know if your male friend's dick curves to the right, then you're not really friends. Meanwhile, while Aesha still isn't allowing Jack to enter her vagina, she did give him a cheeky wank, which was a sweet gesture. Or maybe he was fingering her? Either way, it was more romantic than a Jennifer Aniston movie.
There was also an invasion of jellyfish around the boat which I'm sure these ladies were fine with because they would've loved to have one of the deck crew whip their dick out and pee on them to help with the jellyfish sting and their libido. Speaking of the guests, the head cheerleader AKA the primary asked for her clothes to be steamed and instead of asking what to do when she was unsure, Anastasia threw all the clothes straight into the washing machine. It's actually embarrassing watching this girl be so dumb. If you saw a pile of rich people clothes in the crew laundry, why the fuck would your instinct be to wash them? Especially when the dress was obviously made out of some kind of fabric that should never see the inside of a washing machine.
Anastasia is irresponsibly confident and even when Aesha told her the guest's clothes were supposed to be steamed, she didn't even seem to care that she fucked up. Instead, she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. This bitch is more insufferable than a migraine and seeing her complain about being "rusty" in the third stew position made me want to gouge my eyes out with a dull teaspoon. You chose to be a chef, you thought you were above everyone else, you failed miserably and now you can't even do your old job right, so shut the fuck up and go make someone's bed. I don't want to hear this whiny wench complain about anything, especially not about helping in the galley when she had Travis' help the ENTIRE time. The only thing this girl does more than brag about herself is complain about her job.
To end the episode, Ben served the drunk guests their dinner and a few of them didn't eat the tuna sashimi which he got insecure and annoyed about. However, these women aren't refusing to eat because the food is bad, they're refusing to eat because they want to look hot in their bikinis. They are also too busy drinking a Divorcees Cocktail which is just any kind of alcohol and a shit tonne of Xanax. I don't know what it says about me but I have an infinity for watching drunk women have a deep conversation about their divorces, proclaim their love for each other, mildly sexually harass the crew and bond over dating asshole men. These charter guests were the best casting choice ever and they definitely need a Housewives franchise in whatever city they come from.
Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!