RHONJ Recap: Beverly Thrills
Reality television is full of broken, evil people, however, nobody compares to Danielle Staub. This woman is a cracked egg and just like Humpty Dumpty, there's no putting her back together because when you mix psychotic, deranged, sociopaths with fame there's no telling what they'll do. Yes, Danielle was absolutely insane before Bravo cameras came into her life, but her thirst and desperation to remain relevant on the show just makes her all the more dangerous.
A team of Navy SEALs need to go to Danielle's New Jersey compound in the middle of the night, drag her from her home and transfer her to a padded cell where she can be examined by world-class scientists because this woman is more fucked up than Jennifer's back after she had the fat sucked out of it. Everybody with eyes and ears can tell Danielle is bad news, except for Teresa who for some reason is under the Prostitution Whore's spell. I don't know if Danielle has a treasure trove of secrets on the table flipper or if she hypnotized her with Jafar's staff from Aladdin, but Teresa has swallowed the Beverly Merrill kool-aid, which I can only imagine tastes like stale cigarettes, sewerage, and corruption.
Either Jennifer never watched the first two seasons of the show or she is just pretended like she didn't because anyone with a cable subscription knows about Danielle Staub's sketchy history from her time in the Colombian cartel to when she kidnapped and pistol-whipped a kid with a 9mm. This bitch is a fucking wack job and if there weren't Bravo cameras around, half this cast's internal organs would be in coolers waiting to be shipped out to the black market. Vicki Gunvalson is a bad person, we all know this, but Danielle Staub is downright dangerous and if I'm ever alone in the same room as her, I'm going to need someone to contact the authorities. As conniving, evil and terrifying as Danielle is, I'm just happy I can spend my recap hating on her instead of discussing Juicy Joe's stale deportation storyline.
Little Miss 16 Bathrooms pissed off Danielle after she referred to her as Beverly. In case you've been living under a rock the size of New Jersey, Danielle was born Beverly Merrill but changed her name once she got arrested back in her cartel days. This woman has a criminal history, 21 fiances, a reality TV career and a name change under her belt, if anyone needs a Lifetime movie made about themselves, it's Bev. Referring to Danielle as Beverly would turn out as well as a Jewish person introducing themselves to Hitler. Oops, don't tell Siggy Flicker I made that joke. As soon as the word Beverly left Jen's mouth, Danielle's eyes deemed, her botox twitched and Jennifer went to the top of her shit list. There are two things I would never do in life, take a shit in a public bathroom and call Danielle Staub by her real name.
As a result of their altercation, Jennifer decided not to invite Danielle to her husband's work party, however, when Dolores hosted a sports day for Teresa, the table flipper immediately asked if Bev could tag along. I know Teresa's an idiot, but she must have four brain cells left if she doesn't see what a vile human being Danielle is. The sports day looked sad, depressing and gloomy mixed with the fact these women had to perform an obstacle course in cold, rainy weather. Not even Teresa herself wanted to be there, but the ladies (and Danielle) put on a smile and made it happen. If you're an avid Good Tea reader you know I despise watching Housewives perform physical exercise, so let's skip along to the ladies' lunch at Dolores' house.
Jennifer's daughter is being bullied at school after her old friend's got their boyfriend's to throw food at her. What the actual fuck? I know high school is full of bullies but what kids throw their leftover lunch on another human being? That's nothing short of disgusting and although Jennifer isn't my favorite person, it made me sympathize with her daughter. Hopefully seeing what her daughter went through forces Jen to change her behavior because her mocking Jackie on Teresa's Instagram, at a table of women who hate her, is the social media equivalent of throwing food at the unpopular girl at school.
Jackie also didn't score an invite to Teresa's sports day because the table flipper doesn't like her. New Jersey's resident jailbird is scared of Jackie's intelligence which is the main reason she doesn't want her around and banning her from an all cast event is just mean spirited. If I hear Teresa and her fourth-grade education ramble on about Jackie "spreading rumors" that she's cheating one more time I'm going to hand myself into ICE custody. Is this bitch serious? Her holding hands with that little boy who wears a backpack is all over the media and every single person on the show has had their own round table discussion about it, so her singling out Jackie is just fucking stupid, but stupid has basically become a synonym for Teresa Giudice at this point.
Five minutes into the lunch, Bev couldn't help herself and finally threw in a jab about not being invited to any events. This woman physically, mentally and emotionally can't go an hour without being messy or else she'll self destruct. As soon as Beverly decided to jump into the conversation she got pretend amnesia about whether or not Jennifer sent her an apology for referring to her by her real name. Danielle knew Jen sent her a message and lied about it, however, as soon she was confronted with proof, she backpedaled faster than you can say COP WITHOUT A BADGE. This was when Margaret decided it was the perfect time to accuse Danielle of stealing her friend's boyfriend. In case you haven't heard, the Duchess of Dicks, is engaged to a Duke, whom she stole from her friend Gina.
The Duke was in the relationship so it's not solely Danielle's fault, however, Bev betrayed her friend which just proves she will do anything she has to in order to jump on a dick that shoots out money. Danielle would cut off her arm if it meant she could get her grubby hands onto a rich man's money and just because she was friends with this guy's girlfriend doesn't mean anything. Since when has commitment stopped the Prostitution Whore? Bev's only ammunition she has against Margaret is bringing up her affair, so of course, we heard her scream about Marge being a homewrecker and a whore for the 45th time. Danielle made a living off of being a prostitute, sleeping with married men and wrecking homes, so she needs to direct those insults to her mirror every night before bed, instead of at Marge. We get it, Margaret had an affair, she owns her behavior and has never lied about it, Bev, on the other hand, is still running from the truth.
The two arch-enemies then engaged in a lovely screaming match calling each other whores, prostitutes and everything else in the book which caused New Jersey's resident yeast infection to walk out of Dolores' house and have a breakdown in her car. I'm so confused. Danielle's main goal in life is to cause drama to stay on this show, which she does spectacularly, however, as soon as the fight started she scurried out the door like the rat she is. Beverly looks like the Grinch dressed her drag and she needs to tone down on whatever the fuck she's putting into her face because her head looks puffy and boney all at the same time. Like clockwork, Teresa rushed out of the house to comfort Danielle, then yelled at Margaret for calling her a prostitute.
Um. Does Teresa need us to put her in a time machine back to 2009 when she got famous for calling Beverly a prostitution whore? This woman's career has been built off slut-shaming Danielle, so I'm confused why now she's deciding to yell at Marge for doing the exact same thing she did. Thank god the editors managed to throw in that shady flashback to remind us all of where we came from. I don't understand how Teresa can be present in a room when a fight is going on but only hear the things Margaret is saying. Does the kool-aid also make her deaf to everything that comes out of Danielle's mouth? Bev was running through Dolores' house screaming about the pigtailed Housewife being a whore, but I guess that flew over Teresa's head, just like her signature on those documents.
Danielle said she doesn't want to be around trash but if that's the case, she needs to set herself on fire and jump out the window because she is a walking dumpster. Even though it's wrong, seeing these women slut-shame Bev is hilarious and Margaret's comment about the Prostitution Whore getting her pussy ring stuck on an obstacle was superb shade. Was it messy of Marge to film a scene with the ex-girlfriend of the guy Danielle had an affair with? Of course. Is Margaret also doing the lord's work on her justice mission to take Beverly Merrill down once and for all? Abso-fucking-lutely.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.