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RHONJ Recap: Jersey 4-0

Melissa Gorga not wanting her cast members to fight at her party is like going to the zoo and trying not to see a monkey. It's just not going to happen. These women are going to argue wherever they need to, whether it's an elegant party, in the back of a bus or at a greasy gas station near the turnpike, so if Melissa doesn't want any brawls at her party, then she really shouldn't have it on camera. Sorry not sorry.

I love Jersey's answer to JLo, but she's following the usual Housewives tradition of making her storyline her age because she doesn't have anything else going on. Cynthia has done it, Ramona has done it and now Melissa is having her turn of reminding everyone she's 40. Teresa's sister-in-law looks better than she ever has and her new look is a far cry from her jet black extensions and aggressive fake tan from circa 2011. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Melissa is the hottest Housewife across any franchise, however, if I had a Bravo paycheck and a good plastic surgeon, I'm sure I'd look great at 40 too. If Melissa is the hottest Housewife, then Joe Gorga is the hottest husband, which makes them the hottest couple on Bravo. Does anyone want to fight me on that? Who even comes close?

Mauricio's time as the hottest husband is officially up because Joe Gorga could make me choke on Tarzan any day of the week. He's got a great body, a bald head really suits him, he's sexy, he's flirty, he's funny and where Melissa lacks in being a Housewife, Joe more than makes up for it. Seriously, somedays Joe is more of a cast member than his wife and they may as well give him a rotten tomato, or whatever the fuck they hold in Jersey, at this point. In addition to being Bravo's hottest couple, they're also just my favorite, because I've never seen two people so completely in love with each other after 15 years of marriage, plus, you can tell they still fuck all the time. Can Joe and Melissa just release a sex tape already because that would be hotter than an open flame?

Before Melissa's party, we had to catch up with everyone's storylines which in other words means nothing really happened this week. Marge Sr is still living it up in the city, while Margaret is stuck in Jersey missing her cocktailing queen of a mother. Marge Sr is my favorite Housewife mama across any franchise, I love her wicked sexual energy and young spirit, however, we're seeing a selfish side of Mrs. Marge that I don't really like. Margaret's mother is definitely feeling herself and trying to relive her youth through weekday parties in Manhattan, however, it's coming at a cost to her relationship with her daughter. Margaret and her pigtails don't just miss her mother, she misses hanging out with her best friend and it would hurt to be left alone in Jersey while your mother doesn't seem to give a fuck about seeing you or not.

Marge Sr could've at least tried to act like she missed Margaret, instead of ditching her at the drop of a hat and forcing her daughter's childhood memories to come bubbling back up. According to The Marge, she'd be left at home with her grandparents so her mother could go out and party, and although we all knew Margaret didn't have the most convention childhood, it's sad to know Marge Sr has such a selfish bone in her body. I really hope these two can get back to where they once were because at the end of the day Marge just wants her friend back. Also, Marge Sr does not need a three-bedroom apartment, that's more ridiculous than Danielle Staub's latest face.

Speaking of parents, we met Dolores' father who used to be a police officer in Paterson. Can you imagine the shit you'd see being a cop in Paterson of all places? That would make you earn your stripes, just from being apart of all those mafia shootouts alone. However, something tells me Dolores' dad would've been the guy on the inside for any organized crime group in Jersey, I've seen The Sopranos, I know how this works. He definitely wasn't in the mafia, but that doesn't mean they didn't give him free meals at their restaurants and fix the tires on his car to create a little peace when they needed it.

I don't understand how Dolores is so dark when both her parents are more pale than Snow White. How the fuck did this happen, because her skin tone is more than fake tan? You'd think she was swapped at birth, but she looks like her father's twin in those flashbacks photos. Just like her mother, Dolores' dad isn't taking care of his health either. Old Italians are so stubborn with their health and don't want to believe anything is wrong, so they'd rather eat spaghetti and prosciutto until they die, instead of accepting they need to make some changes.

In other Jersey news, Teresa and her two-head are still building that pool, and her contractor is definitely laying more than just the pipes. If your husband cheated on you during your entire marriage, was an arrogant pig, sent you to prison and could be getting deported from the country, wouldn't you fuck the pool boy too? If Teresa isn't already fucking the hot contractor then she needs to because he definitely knows how to unclog the table flipper's pipes. Juicy Joe is still calling Teresa from ICE complaining and yes, it must suck being locked up in a disgusting immigration detention center, I've seen Orange Is The New Black and it is no joke. However, you broke the law, so as much as it sucks, it's your consequence. If Joe just became a citizen years ago, none of this would be happening and the only person he can blame is himself.

Joe doesn't need to give Teresa shit over the phone, she's got enough going on and those abusive, aggressive calls aren't helping. I don't even like the table thrower, but I know an asshole of a husband when I see one. Teresa's brother stopped over to give her advice about being wary of the Prostitution Whore and to get some more extra camera time. Joe Gorga rocked up just as Teresa was talking to her contractor/ lover about the pool and he started going in on her about her latest purchase. Of course, Teresa shouldn't get this pool, it's more stupid than her limited vocabulary, however, Joe can't say that in front of the guy who's building it when it's already in the fucking ground. What does he want Teresa to do? Rip it out herself?

Finally, the ladies attended Melissa's 40th birthday party and to everyone's surprise, no one got in a fight, which may be a first for this group. I'm confused about what Melissa decided to spend all this money on because the party was just a bunch of gold people running around and causing a scene in the background. What is with Housewives parties having live actors putting on a show? It's not appealing, it's not entertaining, it's just awkward and I feel sorry for both the guests and the actors involved. Due to it being a Melissa Gorga party, the usual suspects rolled out, from her sisters with her old nose, her gorgeous mother Donna and surprisingly Ramona Singer. When I turned on my TV to watch this episode I didn't expect to see the Ramona Coaster pop up and start bragging about her age. Instead of watching these women talk about nothing, I would've much preferred to see how many people Ramona verbally accosted in one night.

Following her daughter making her realize the video she created was borderline bullying towards Jackie, Jennifer decided to apologize to the Jewish cast member, however, that was after she required apology training from Dolores, Margaret, and her very own daughter. How is one woman so apology challenged? You apologize for hurting your friend's feelings, you say it was never your intention and you move on, you don't have to try and justify your behavior with a dumb excuse because all that does is make you look like an asshole. After Jennifer was fed several tequila shots from Joe Gorga, she approached Jackie and took her on a roller coaster of an apology, but finally managed to land the plane and the two made up. I think this truce will last about two episodes, mainly because Teresa's hand is all the way up Jennifer's asshole, however, it's nice to see them getting along.

Jackie and Jennifer seem to have a more authentic relationship than Teresa and Jennifer, due to their families genuinely being friends, but the lipo addicted Housewife will definitely fuck that up just to get into the table thrower's good graces. During Melissa's birthday party, Jennifer thought it would be the perfect time to invite all the ladies on a trip to Jamaica for her own birthday. I'm confused why the ladies are taking their big international trip so early in the season, however, at least their excuses are getting better. A birthday trip is much more plausible than the ladies following Margaret to Milan to look at shoes. Of course, Danielle won't be in attendance on this trip because she's the devil's spawn, however, there's enough hatred between these women to get the drama going in international waters.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

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